Trying to find a way to say no to get together

Very good ideas here, apart from the abrupt non explanatory texts or messages…
For myself, I run a mile from any barbecue, even if the new King invited me😁. Can’t stand them.
But seriously, 71 and 64 are not ancient. I’m 76, usual health irritants, and make myself go to things as afeared I will become timid and a stay at home.
If you decide not to go, the suggestions of sending flowers or a gift sounds good.
Hope you had a nice birthday 🎂

See I’m of a different opinion I think it would do you both the world of good especially your DH. It sounds to me like you’ve talked yourself out of it when in fact it’s not such an ordeal as it is in your head. Go the company etc will be uplifting.

I think it's lovely that you only live an hour away from family and can occasionally get together. So seems a shame to not go. But just leave early. You could say DH needs to sleep in his own bed as you have an orthopedic mattress, and he will struggle to sleep otherwise. Be lovely and gracious and take a thoughtful gift. I'm sure your family will understand.

I agree with Casdon and would say in your reply that you will be leaving at 7pm explaining your very valid reasons. Your Brother in Law will probably understand perfectly, and it also gives them a spare room to offer to someone else. I would also be a bit wary of constantly turning down invitations in case you feel differently in the future if invitations to events stop altogether and you start to feel left out and cut off from family and friends.

Be honest and say, thank you so much, your health sadly prevents you both from attending and wish them a great time.

I was once in a similar situation. I was invited to a 70th birthday party in the evening but it was taking place in the countryside down narrow Devon lanes. I felt I had to go, because I had known the couple for fifty years. They had forgotten that I never drive at night because I have a mild problem with my eyesight.

So, I paid a fortune to hire a taxi to take me. The taxi got lost in the depths of the countryside, as the satnav wasn't completely accurate. I arrived really late and shaken up by the experience. My friends greeted me and then I was left to sort myself out. I didn't enjoy the party at all and was glad when the return taxi (which did know the way) arrived early.
So, I do agree with others who have said it's worth making the effort while you can, but I HAD made the effort and, looking back, I think declining the invitation would have saved me stress and expense.
I now think really carefully about social invitations - especially in the evenings- and make decisions based on whether it is important to make the effort, or whether I should put myself first.

Time is precious you should do whatever feels right for you..

It’s family, so why not ask if you can go a bit earlier as you would prefer to get home at a reasonable time? When it gets to evening, you may feel like staying a bit longer! I do find that it’s all too easy to to say no to such events, which you might actually enjoy!

If your husband is ill, tell the truth.

Worried about you, that should be….

Many happy returns for your birthday. When a kindly invitation starts to make you both anxious it’s time to decline. I don’t think ‘thank you but we are not coming’ is very nice, and as family, I think would expect, and deserve a reason, they’ll be worried about for one and also you don’t want to offend them (unnecessarily). The fact both of you can’t face the travel is sufficient and needs no further explanation. Somebody’s suggestion of arranging a lunch together at a later date, time limited and perhaps nearer your location than theirs if they are fitter, is a good plan.

Nothing new to add other than just find a really diplomatic way of saying thank you, but no thank you and Happy Birthday to you xx

Always a difficult one with family, but they should understand - and others have said, ill health is not an excuse, it is a reason.
Also, and I don't want to sound harsh here, but sometimes we all overestimate how an event will be if we decline; people will get on with socialising, drinking and eating, and some may say it's a pity you aren't there, but they won't be sobbing face down on the bed. I would certainly cite your DH's health, express regret, wish them a happy time and then relax.

We have 2 sets of relatives who are about 2 hrs away. We are all getting on a bit so have now started to meet up for lunch about half way. No cooking involved and a nice sea front cafe - perfect!

Being ill is not an excuse at all it's a perfectly valid reason for not driving a 100 miles round trip. Thank them for the invitation but tell them that your husband isn't in the best of health and unfortunately you will not be attending, full stop.

Well I am going to say I think if DH is not in the best health it might do you both good to get out and socialise. Often we end up enjoying what we aren’t looking forward to. Even if there is nowhere to stay near to them how about staying somewhere 20 mins away or on your way home? I think for them to show the kindness of the invitation and the offer of staying over night is extremely thoughtful of them. You may not get an invite next time.

Moonwatcher1904 -good, you've noticed that you're treated differently (the 20 questions) but you just accept being let down with good grace. So there's an imbalance here. You're being summoned (the cheek) not invited - and your attendance is expected. It's about time to stop playing.

An older sister did just that - made a big fuss if I didn't fall in with their plans. It's an attitude retained from childhood. My suggested alternative arrangements were swiftly dismissed. She would just 'pop in' anytime, as well - yet when we did that (just the once) was most put out. (How dare we?)

Is it basically that you don’t really get on with these folk and would rather not go? Nothing wrong with that but are your health issues so bad that you never leave the house? Or would you ever drive for an hour for some other purpose? I’d just go if at all possible, get there at 3.30 , have a sit down in the garden and chat to everyone and leave at 6.30. Then you’d be home by 7.30. You might enjoy it and be pleased that you’ve got out of your flat for an afternoon. You are not so ancient that you should be housebound , unless your health issues are much worse than you have alluded to.

What am I going to tell the others?

Well, the truth. ‘They were invited, but didn’t feel up to coming. They hope we have a lovely time’.

Well my DH said what most of you did and told him that we weren't up to it but have a lovely time anyway. Then came the 20 questions. (Are you both ok) (What am I going to tell the others). I was f*****g fuming. Why do we have to explain ourselves to other people? We have made arrangements many a time to be let down at the last minute but we just accept it as one of those things but when it's us that say no there is almost an inquest. Grrrr

FarNorth

^I know we sound miserable but he's not in the best of health and don't want to use this as an excuse as we've used this before.^

So what if you've used it before?
It's still true so just say it.

Agree. Better to be honest, its a reason, not an excuse, and one you can use again.

I, too would just keep it simple and say thanks for the invitation but we don’t think we’re up to it at the moment, but hope that you all have a lovely time.
We have to do something very similar sometimes. It gets easier, and have found that people do accept it and don’t take offence.

Once you have given your reasons for not meeting in person, maybe set up a zoom call for all the siblings?

Zoom was an excellent compensation during Lockdown when we couldn't meet in person. It's still useful occasionally.

V3ra

On another occasion if your husband and his brother would like to meet up still, and it's not possible for you to host them in your flat, could they travel to you and all have lunch in a local restaurant instead?

This.

Tell the truth about why you cannot come, and suggest what IS do-able.

That is, if you do really want to keep up with them. But unless there are good reasons, it's probably best in many families to keep in touch in do-able ways.

I've just gone on a "bite of more than I can chew" family visit and will simply have to be honest next time.

(and) I suspect a relative regularly invites me out of 'duty', I go because she expects me to - and neither of us enjoys it!