AIBU to expect a more polite response?

Sadly, what you described is very common. I have two of my GCs estranged. As grandparents, we have to be the bigger people and do everything in our power to keep the door open.

I know exacting the pressure my GCs are under. They are in their 20s now and I still send cards and money for Christmas and birthdays which is never acknowledged.

There’s always two sides to every story, and it was great you invited both of your GS, it’s their decision whether to attend, it sounds a terribly sad and awful situation all round. Leave your older GS to sort things out for himself if you ever want any kind of future relationship.

No one ever truly knows what happens in people’s marriages other than them be it’s so easy for you to blame your former DiL as you clearly love and cherish your son and GC My advice, back off, there will be other birthdays, Christmases etc etc

Please be gentle with your GS, he is caught up in a very tense situation and is obviously being influenced by his mother.

Be the bigger person, respond by saying 'thank you for letting me know' and leave it at that. As he matures he will hopefully recognise the controlling influence his mother has and be strong enough to make his own decisions.

I agree, it was rude. If that's an outdated opinion then I have another opinion - culturally we are going the wrong way with manners (what manners??). However I would say that a) texts can be very abrupt especially from young people and b) it was to be expected in the circumstances. Well done for trying to keep the 'family' together, grandma - sadly that's not so valued in our culture now. Having said all of this I would say nothing at all in response. He is where he is, poor lad, and time will tell. take care of yourself

Oh it must be so difficult for you. I wonder if next time it might be worth giving plenty of notice and suggesting meeting up for a quick lunch . Perhaps the short notice and pressure of a birthday made it hard. Good luck for persevering and I hope eventually things are resolved.

Hithere

Good grief! You certainly told the OP what's what. I'm sure she feels suitably chastised...

You knew the 13-year-old's position re. his father. His actual message was 'No, and FFS will you stop pressuring me on the subject you interfering old bat!'. On the whole, I feel he was laudably restrained.

ExaltedWombat

You knew the 13-year-old's position re. his father. His actual message was 'No, and FFS will you stop pressuring me on the subject you interfering old bat!'. On the whole, I feel he was laudably restrained.

On the whole, I feel he was laudably restrained

Slightly more so than you I think!

You obviously didn't see the follow-on post from the OP where she explains...

... our family has been told by my son’s mediator to continue to contact the boys with news, invites, and to try and act as normally as possible while the situation is still volatile. It will give them the chance to contact (or not) any one of us if they feel the need to. Obviously if we don’t contact them, they may feel that they are not wanted by us and not bother to instigate any communication.

Bearing in mind that the younger GS decided 6 months ago that he would see his father, it's not beyond the realms of possibility that the older boy might, at some point, also change his mind. At age 13, I doubt his feelings are set in stone for all time. Of course, one never knows, they might be but unless the OP keeps the lines of communication open, she won't know.

have replied to my eldest as a few of you have kindly advised, and just said thank you so much for the reply, maybe another time and as always ‘love you’.

I think that is a good answer.

The OP has explained that our family has been told by my son’s mediator to continue to contact the boys with news, invites, and to try and act as normally as possible while the situation is still volatile. It will give them the chance to contact (or not) any one of us if they feel the need to. Obviously if we don’t contact them, they may feel that they are not wanted by us and not bother to instigate any communication

Perhaps all those who are saying that she is over invested, guilt tripping pressurising etc missed that update?

Presumably the mediator knows what they are talking about!

Mediator's guidelines do not override what a person with his/her own will wants to do

Do you mean counsellor? A mediator listens to all pints of view and tries to help people reach a compromise.

They don’t tell anybody what to do.

Dickens

Hithere

Good grief! You certainly told the OP what's what. I'm sure she feels suitably chastised...

I think hithere was abrupt,rude , and wrong the OP was asking about advice about her reply.

Is this thread about how people prefer their replies now?

Take it or leave it and move on with life

I think that you should reply by saying " thank you for letting me know. Love you"
Carry on keeping in touch with him. We should always keep all doors and lines of communication open. He needs to know that when he is ready you will be there waiting.

Does anyone else wait with baited breath to read Hithere's words of compassion, understanding and empathy?😳

I get fed up with the pile ons because people don't like others way of talking

GN has guidelines for posting - we all free to report anything that we think it breaks those rules

I’m afraid that when a couple split up a parent only hears their child’s view. I know that from experience. Do try not to let the children hear your criticisms of their mother OP. There are always two sides to a story. Try to be supportive of your son and grandchildren but neutral. My ex mil said some awful things about me until the truth came out. By then it was too late.

I would just say OK thanks for replying, and leave it at that.

Lizbethann55

I think that you should reply by saying " thank you for letting me know. Love you"
Carry on keeping in touch with him. We should always keep all doors and lines of communication open. He needs to know that when he is ready you will be there waiting.

Does anyone else wait with baited breath to read Hithere's words of compassion, understanding and empathy?😳

I think that you should reply by saying " thank you for letting me know. Love you"

Simple, short, sweet - and doesn't guilt trip the lad. And keeps the communication 'lines' open if they might ever be needed.

Does anyone else wait with baited breath to read Hithere's words of compassion, understanding and empathy?😳

Hmm... No.

It’s clear things are stressful for everyone involved. At times like these I think prioritizing relationship over manners should prevail.

While it’s understandable you expect more from your grandson whom you’ve spent so much time with and essentially helped raise, he’s in a difficult spot. No child ( and 13 IS a child) should be expected to navigate complex adult relationships over which he has no or little control.

I think that part of this is also bias.

You’ve only heard your son’s version of things, and view things through your relationship with him. Of COURSE you’re going to be on his side, fully and completely, because you see him hurting, and that tends to trigger the protective reaction from most parents.

But relationship breakdowns are rarely all one person’s fault or responsibility, and even without saying anything negative directly about their mother, it’s very likely the kids have picked up on your dislike/blame for her. Kids are incredibly sensitive, far more than many adults give them credit for. Granted, they tend to be self centred about it, but it’s still there. Even if all you’re saying is that their father misses them, or making sure you always talk positively about him while not mentioning their mother, they’re going to catch on. (Those are just examples, not claiming you’ve done either)

At the end of the day, the kids lived through their parents marriage breaking down. That’s painful and all you can do is give them grace.

Him saying no isn’t rude. You’d have preferred a longer response, but no is a perfectly reasonable answer. I’m very glad you simply thanked him for letting you know.

It’s a tough place to be, and you have my sympathy. But perhaps keeping any communication focused on them, without mentioning their dad might help. Example, asking about school, sports/hobbies they’re into, etc. Light topics that steer clear of anything emotional.

Well, I would just reply "ok Sunshine, hope you're ok", and leave it at that.

He's a teen (notoriously rude and moody), and he's got this going on with his parents.

Be loving, supportive Nan and cut him some slack. 🙂

Some absolutely miserable people on here trying to make this poor grandmother feel bad for asking what to say to her GS. I’m glad you found a way OP, I have enormous sympathy for your situation being in a similar situation with a family member who is equally intent on parental alienation. It’s incredibly sad for the children, they are actually 50% of the despised parent so being nasty about the other parent is very detrimental. Keep trying to keep contact, sometimes grandparents can be the bridge and help keep the door open.

Hithere

Mediator's guidelines do not override what a person with his/her own will wants to do

Well no bit the OP is following the advice for good reasons given.

Whether it works or not, I do not see the relevance of her being accused of other motivations that are not suggested by her OP. Her reason is that she is taking the advice given, that is her choice and what she "wants to do" in this difficult situation!