The wittiest put-downs ever?

I always liked this..'check your face, please. I think I just found your nose in my business'

Churchill was reputed to have returned a communication from the Inland Revenue with the following written in the margin:

"This is the sort of beaucratic incomprehensible language up with which I will not put!"

And a put-down that wasn't intended as such:

As a child of ten, my father nervously approached his English master and said, "Excuse me, sir, I cannot read what you wrote in the margin of this exercise:"

He remembered with respect that the master after looking at the comment laughed and said, "I seem to have written: I cannot read your handwriting!"

In the pub a particularly unpleasant man was bragging about the new girlfriend he had “pulled”. My comment “ I know her, had she got her guide dog with her”.

Brilliant

These are so funny just wish I could remember them when needed.

My dad used to use the 'nothing trivial I hope' one ... as do I on occasion. He did have many others but sadly I don't remember them now.

Thanks for the laugh! Good thread ...

Liverpool humour is like gorilla warfare. Often we dont actually intend to be funny. It just comes out that way.

Many years ago I lived in a block of flats on the very edge of the city and invisible from the road. I was getting off a bus late one evening and the driver asked (in best scouse accent)

"Hey luv why you gettin off in the middle of a field?"

Me (thinking to be humorous) "Well you see that line of trees over there? Well I'm from another planet and my shiip is parked behind those trees."

"With a gob like that I knew you couldnt be human!"

I laughed so much I almost wet myself.

I had a friend who used to be a flight attendant on Concorde, and had a particularly unpleasant female passenger. When served her lunch she called my friend over and said “take this plate away, it’s not fit for a pig.” My friend called another attendant and said “take madam’s lunch away, it’s not fit for a pig. And bring her one that is.” Surprisingly she didn’t complain.

I have quick reply I am still proud of.

DH and I had taken a young, 19 year old, very attractive girl from where I was working to a mess do, full mess dress and long frocks :-)

She'd danced with some of DH's (20 something) students and was having a nice time.

Then one of the other instructor's (late 40's, unpopular with other instructors and legend in his own lunch time) came up to our table and instead of asking her to dance ...

Said "come with me and I will take you to paradise".

Quick as a flash I said "What before or after she's sick".

Exit said instructor :-) DH was in stitches and my the young lady was 1) relived I'd saved her from having to deal with the situation and 2) so impressed she told the others I worked with how quick I was.

Got to be a first time for everything, usually I think of something two days later :-)

I think I was able to say it so quickly because he was a person who had always made my skin craw and left me with a slightly sick feeling

Love these, especially Groucho Marx.

Another from Dorothy Parker, a young man held the door for her and said, ' age before beauty.'
She replied, 'I think you mean 'pearls before swine!''

A local story when I lived on Royal Deeside…….the then Prince Charles was visiting the RAF nursing home. Charles seeing the confusion on an old veterans face said ‘do you know who I am’
The old chap paused then said ‘ No, but if you ask matron, she’ll tell you’

Peter Cook invited to an evening with Andrew and Fergie - I will be busy watching television that night.

On a naval report: Keeping this man in the Navy is depriving a village of its idiot

My Dh couldn't always stop himself and in a waiting room of people when he called someone's name the reply came "Can I see someone else? "With pleasure ", was his reply.

I remember Arthur Marshall on Call my Bluff recalling his school report by his geography teacher:
"This boy would do well if he found his own way home"

Wonderful - wish I could memorise many for my use…I used to have a great memory, but sadly nowadays my brain seems to be pretty full!

JenniferEccles

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

A famous quote of course but there seems to be a lot of uncertainty about who actually said it.

It was said that Dennis Thatcher said that.

My favourite is, man says to wife, ‘you have no taste.’ Wife replies, ‘and you’re the living proof of that.’

Bazza

I had a friend who used to be a flight attendant on Concorde, and had a particularly unpleasant female passenger. When served her lunch she called my friend over and said “take this plate away, it’s not fit for a pig.” My friend called another attendant and said “take madam’s lunch away, it’s not fit for a pig. And bring her one that is.” Surprisingly she didn’t complain.

I've read this quote somewhere else. Can't think where, off the top of my head, but from the 40's or 50's, I think. I'll have to Google a bit 🤔 It's very funny though, and quick of her to remember it!

Tears of laughter! Thank you I needed that

One of my favourite insults is one heard only recently.

"At this point, if I wanted to off myself, I would climb up your ego, and jump down to your IQ level!"

Is there no beginning to all of your talents.

Speaking as an outsider,what do you think of the human race.

Don't you wish you could think of something like these when needed .

They’re brilliant, Foxy!

Great thread, although it reminded me of being on the receiving end of a catty put down from an unpleasant girl at High School. We were allowed to wear our own summer dresses, with school blazer, in good weather. She looked at my dress and commented, ' That's a nice dress, for a home made one.'
I was a sensitive soul and that hurt!