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Depressed husband

(32 Posts)
Cid24 Wed 02-Aug-23 18:59:49

Hello, me again! My husband is very down , has been for about a year now. He’s under occupied , under stimulated , bored basically. Everything I suggest that he might like to do, he says no to.
Any suggestions for activities for 77 year old , very clever , man. ? He likes gardening and passionate about WW2

fancythat Wed 02-Aug-23 19:22:05

But I think he may have to figure it out for himself?

It took about 18 months for my DH to get so bored that he came up with some answers.
In a nutshell, he went back to work. Self employed, so he could come and go easier.

coco12 Wed 02-Aug-23 19:54:04

Would he consider a history group - WW2 for instance

Greenfinch Wed 02-Aug-23 20:01:13

Or could he research his own family history?A link with previous family members is very uplifting.

BlueBelle Wed 02-Aug-23 20:17:11

Do they have a man’s shed in your town we have one here and it’s so good for bored guys they get together weekly and make things needed and usually for charity

Theexwife Wed 02-Aug-23 20:20:24

Do you have any museums in your area, my brother volunteered at one, and it almost became a full-time job he enjoyed it so much.

ronib Thu 03-Aug-23 04:10:34

Has your husband had any blood tests recently? There might be a medical reason for being down - pernicious anaemia for one. Just a thought.

BlueBelle Thu 03-Aug-23 06:37:39

Another idea we have walking tennis and walking football groups here and a lot of guys enjoy them ….also every fortnight we have a man’s ‘walk and talk’ trying to encourage guys to let their feelings out a bit more to each other
As he’s passionate about WW2 I’d think theexwife s idea of helping in a museum is a great idea But however many ideas we give you unless he is willing to try something it won’t be any use
A visit to the doctor to see if he’s depressed might be on the books

loopyloo Thu 03-Aug-23 06:51:00

Try to get him out of the house every day, little jaunts
Perhaps for coffee and a look at the books WW2 in charity shops.
Or a garden centre, or garden open scheme. Also some churches need volunteer Gardeners.
Am in very much the same situation.
Give him some vit d daily and yes try to persuade him to see Dr or at least get his bloods checked.

BigBertha1 Thu 03-Aug-23 06:55:12

My husband was just the same. I eventually found the underlying by reason which was that he regretted our house move and wanted to move back to where we were where he was very busy. I am not suggesting that is your problem but that there may be an underlying unsaid issue. Can you get him to talk about his lack of motivation?

Juliet27 Thu 03-Aug-23 06:58:30

Greenfinch’s idea of researching his family history sounds a good idea or sending off his DNA to Ancestry. Would owning a dog help him to get out and about and meet people.

Calipso Thu 03-Aug-23 07:35:24

Was he previously well motivated and occupied? What has changed in the last year? The thing about clinical depression is that it just sucks any motivation out of you and any attempts to chivvy him to do things, no matter how well meaning, will make him feel even worse. A kindly chat about seeing his GP to get some help and investigations would be a good starting point.

Gingster Thu 03-Aug-23 07:48:59

My Dh is the same. During lock down he had a TIA and hasn’t been the same since.
Before, he played golf 3 times a week, and tennis once a week.
Now he does nothing. He doesn’t read and rarely does sudoku now. No interest in anything.
He won’t entertain any groups or outings and won’t go to the docs. I’ve given up ‘nagging’ as he calls it.
The only thing he likes is going to a footie match . Thank goodness the season is starting up again 🙏

He’s 73!

Liz46 Thu 03-Aug-23 08:02:36

My OH took up bowling and made lots of friends. He does crown green bowling in the summer but didn’t like the winter indoor bowling very much.

inishowen Thu 03-Aug-23 14:02:23

Mine is bored as well. Every day he asks if there's something I need to do. I can only suggest shopping now and again. I like charity shops and he begrudgingly takes me. However its all an act. He is desperate to be doing something. He is still very popular and his phone never stops ringing but compared to working its not enough. He would not consider men's sheds.

GoldenAge Thu 03-Aug-23 14:09:06

Cif 24 - are you near a big city where there are military museums? Are there any local
Clubs of Spitfire enthusiasts or similar? He could maybe start a WW2 film group or book club of a handful of local interested folk. He needs to achieve something, increase his connectivity and enjoy what he’s doing - In the therapy world we refer to
This is as ACE / a prescription for depression - achieve, connect, enjoy - good luck

humptydumpty Thu 03-Aug-23 14:14:26

If you think he may be clinically depressed, see if you can persuade him to see his GP - unfortunately one symptom is lack of motivation to do anything, so it's a vicious circle.

grandtanteJE65 Thu 03-Aug-23 14:40:31

Frankly, I doubt he will show more interest in our suggestions than in yours!

How long has he been retired? If he is fit and well, I would by now have told him to get off his backside and DO something instead of moaning all the time. Or supplied him with a mile-long list of things that need doing in the house or garden.

If he is not fit and well and by depressed you mean clinically depressed and not just bored, then dear lady, you are faced with any wife's most thankless task: Getting her husband to make an appointment with HIS DOCTOR.

It has taken me three months to get mine to do so, so if you start now you might just get your husband to his before New Year.

And the best of British luck - you are going to need it!

rowyn Thu 03-Aug-23 14:54:20

Have you thought of trying to reverse things and suggest that he shares his knowledge of WW2"with others. Your local U3A might even have a history group that would welcome him as a speaker, or just as another interested member. It will probably have a garden related group too. My U3A has a group which organises visits to well known gardens.

Shazmo24 Thu 03-Aug-23 15:42:13

We have a WW2 U3A group which is great. If there isn't one then he may be able to start a group and go out to visit places too?
Maybe he could use his gatdening skills in a local school with planters where they could grow their own veg and he can speak to the children about why its so important. Lots of schools are doing this

Lizbethann55 Thu 03-Aug-23 15:51:15

I am another one to suggest U3A. We are blessed with a hugely active U3A where I live. They have groups for just about anything you could think of.

Greciangirl Thu 03-Aug-23 17:00:59

U3A.I think they have a history group.

Cid24 Thu 03-Aug-23 17:09:15

Thank you everyone. He’s been to Dr today who has arranged some blood tests for him. We will take it from there. All your suggestions are good , most have been tried or dismissed by him. Nothing seems to appeal at the moment, which is a sign of depression in itself I believe.
I like the ACE point- very true. 🌻

Lucyd Thu 03-Aug-23 19:45:34

Maybe he could Google open university openings courses. They are free and there are lots of history ones. I have done several including art history, philosophy, criminology and history. No exams or assignments and you work at your own pace.

VioletSky Thu 03-Aug-23 20:00:41

He should really be checked out by a doctor, make sure his levels all ok