Funerals and number of Attendees

When DH died he had left no instructions except that he wanted to be buried not cremated. We had a private woodland burial for the family, led by my vicar. It was in a beautiful setting, with lovely peaceful words and music. I will be buried there as well.
A month later, we had a service of thanksgiving in church, attended by only some of the family, but lots of friends from near and far, including former pupils and colleagues, with spoken and digital tributes, including a flute solo and hymns. It was a fitting occasion. About 80 attended in person, but 25+ devices tuned into the live stream and others watched later.

If I die whilst I am still singing in my church choir, I hope there will be a church service and good music, but it will be up to my children, who do not attend church. A funeral is for those left behind. I suppose it depends how old I am when I die and how active I still am as to what form it takes and who attends.

This is an interesting thread. Our problem is that we are in a rural area, about an hour away from the crematorium. If we have a funeral in church with lots of people we know there, then close family go to the crem and back before the wake, lots of attendees will have gone home rather than wait. We had this problem with my parents. There were lots of people at the funerals I hadn't seen for ages and would like to have spoken with but the 'afterwards' was at my brother's house and most had gone by the time we got back. A friend whose husband died recently went to the crematorium first, with close family, then had a memorial service in church and an afternoon tea in the village hall. It was really lovely but seemed odd that there was no coffin in church. Any ideas for a solution? My late F-i-l said 'you can put me in the dustbin'. (We didn't.) We had the funeral in church, followed by a wake at DH's brother's. The actual cremation didn't happen for a couple of weeks and none of us were there. That didn't seem ideal.

When my Dad died in 2015 he left strictly instructions he was to have no funeral, just him to the Crem at 8.30 am
This was to spare my Mum the ordeal of attending, however it distressed other family members that there was 'no closure'. In the e d when Mum died this January I gave her the most beautiful funeral imaginable. The Crem was packed with family and friends and we made it a celebration of both their lives with poems, a thead of music -which followed her whole life which gave everyone peace at last.

No Joseann I don't mean that I am worried other people won't think I was a nice person. It is more about the fact that there won't be many people attending as unfortunately I know more people who are dead than alive, so there will be few people to mourn my loss.

While my heart has always yearned for a Viking funeral with the theme from the film blasting out ...
Mine will be a low key cremation with immediate family and close friends only, if they want to be there.
Afterwards, hopefully people can do what they choose to do.

We wanted the no fuss private cremation, my children didn’t, so two cremations, including cars etc are fully paid up.

Yes gloryannie talk with your children

Personally I would probably go for the no-fuss private cremation, but I do realise that my funeral isn't just about me. I was proud to write and read a eulogy for my mum. It gave me a chance to remember all the things she had done and told some of those who met her in later life more about her. It was part of the grieving process. And planning the music, the hymns and the eulogy gave me something to focus on . I'm not sure I'm entitled to make the decisions for my DSs, or indeed for my GCs as they grow older. Perhaps I should talk to them about it.

We are Jewish and my mother’s body was collected by the Burial Society (for which we had contributed forever) within an hour of her death. The funeral took place 24 hours later. We have no choice of coffin and have no flowers. Those who can attend do. Those who can’t, will visit them at home during the following week. There is a short service at home in the evening after the funeral. However mourners sit Shiva for a week after the death. That is, immediate family do not go to work or do any housework and friends visit them and there is a short service every evening. The speed of burial can be problematic - it can sometimes be delayed 24 hours if close family are out of the country. But it is how our community operates and we have all learnt to cope with it. Perhaps not my boss who once asked if I could give two weeks notice of attending a funeral.

martinthebandit

I wish people would be aware that funerals aren’t for the dead, they are for the living.

There purpose is really to help those left behind to grieve, begin to move on and hopefully celebrate the life of the departed.

You may want no fuss etc etc but do those left behind feel the same?

I agree with this, and if the deceased person’s wishes about service, venue etc are followed, that can be a great comfort to those left behind.
Although the Bodach was not Catholic, our priest was happy to conduct the service, because, as he said, he had conducted ‘ all our business’ ( wedding, baptisms etc) in the church, so it was only fair to do his funeral also!
Full Catholic service for me, with much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. I had wanted the full Mozart Requiem, though my musical friends are, like me, getting a bit long in the tooth, so I’ve cancelled that.

I couldn’t sleep well last night, woke about 3.15 and awake until 5.45.

Lay there thinking about my and DH’s funeral.

We have decided on cremation, but think perhaps just a very private one, only our children and grandchildren present at the crematorium. Just music and a few words. Then we could all go to lunch somewhere.

Then next day maybe, a memorial service at our little village church, with appropriate hymns, music, readings and prayers, followed by a buffet in the village hall.

A chance for other relatives, friends, associates to get together and have a chat, which let’s face it is why many go to a funeral anyway.

All this passed through my insomnia laden mind last night, as apart from the definite decision on cremation, made ages ago, the rest has always been difficult to plan.

Whether this is what we finally decide upon….

Hope we are still here for many more years, but appreciate if you die in your 90’s say, there may not be many people to miss you anyway.

I wish people would be aware that funerals aren’t for the dead, they are for the living.

There purpose is really to help those left behind to grieve, begin to move on and hopefully celebrate the life of the departed.

You may want no fuss etc etc but do those left behind feel the same?

I see some of you don't like the sadness and weeping of funerals and some said upthread they were upsetting. Well yes, and uplifting too.
I think that is partly the purpose of a funeral as it is so cathartic.

I will "happily" weep and wail - and do hope there is weeping and wailing when I go. I don't want a "celebration of life" I'm afraid.

Of course, my family will do what suits them. And it won't be my concern... I sometimes wonder if I've been born into the wrong culture!

I think there won't be many at my funeral. It doesn't matter to me obviously but as we have a large immediate family I think they will support each other.

My parents had full churches at their funerals though - for my fathers funeral the whole back of the church and aisle had people standing too.

The singing was overwhelming and glorious.

I suppose there are many sorts of funerals but the numbers at Dad's funeral certainly was a comfort to mum.
They were both very involved in the community, in business and in charities so even though they were in a "new" area after a house move, they were already well loved and people came from far and wide too. Friends from their teens/20s onwards.

I went to the funeral of one of mum's friends shortly after mum died. I really didn't want to go went because I knew she would want me to. I think, other than her only daughter and husband and their 2 children, there were 2 representatives from her care home - and then me.
It was so very sad.
She was always a negative and difficult person but mum said that happened after her (amazing and fabulous) husband died and she was bereft. I sometimes think of her daughter at that lonely service.

They tend to be quite big here, sometimes over a hundred. If a member of Probus dies I always go to the funeral as a mark of respect and to share memories with other friends. Some are better than others and most these days have slide shows of the person as they were in life. It is amazing how much we learn about each other and we often say it is a shame we didn’t know those things when they were living. Who’d have thought Bill
once won a marathon or that Marg was a well known scientist in her day ?

My parents died within a week of each other, my father with dementia and my mother to cancer. It was an awful time but I took comfort in that they were cremated together, privately one early morning and I collected their ashes a few days later. As they wished, there was no service, no mourners, and no flowers, donations instead to the RNLI. I told my daughter her father and I wanted the same and she was horrified. In her book there must be a lot of fuss and weeping and I can't stand the thought of it so it's anyone's guess as to what the last one of us will get. At least I won't know about it. !

I don't want a funeral. They are so expensive and just upset people.
And I've very few people who would come anyway. Hardly any relatives and most of my friends are dead.

My funeral service is already planned, complete with favourite hymns, all in a file on my PC. The funeral is already paid for in advance, so that my loved ones do not have to worry.

I was at a funeral last week in my church, which holds 700 people.
It was standing room only, because the deceased was only fifty years old and her family were well known in the community. She had five children and many of their friends also attended, some in school uniform.
It was an amazing sight, a true celebration of her life.

Leaving your body for medical research is a really good idea. Both my parents did that, but when the time came only my father was accepted, which was why we had the very unsatisfactory funeral for my mother.

Direct cremation for me I do not even want a notice in the local paper . I do not think my children would be unhappy with that. I would hate to think of people wondering if they should attend my funeral because I kind of knew them or they knew my DH . So many funerals are conducted by clergy who have no idea who this person in the coffin is . We do not go to church so that rules a church out for a service. An aund used to scold my mother because she did not go to church and she would ask who was going to bury her then . When she died two close members of the family stood up and spoke about her life and their memories of her and that was lovely .

My husband’s funeral was meaningful for his loved ones, friends and colleagues. It was at our village Church as this was what our adult children wanted. Church full, singing good, vicar a friend who knows us well . Reception included an exhibition of his books and art work. Good food, music and photographs. An important get together to remember someone well loved
Woodland burial

My dd recently went to a funeral with over 350 mourners! I’m not sure I’ve ever known 350 people in my life.

I’ve attended too many funerals this past five years, both in person and virtually, and for the first time have thought about a private do for myself. Though I hope it won’t be needed for many a long year, as I’m only in my 60’s.

My mother’s funeral was attended by over 100 people and the service taken by a bishop. My mum was 70 when she died and my brothers and I followed Greek mourning and funeral traditions. My MiL on the other hand was 99 when she died in February 2020 and only a few people came to her funeral, 8 of which were our friends. My MiL had many friends and was a churchgoer but she had outlived a lot of her friends and family. I was very sad at how few people were there.
I’ve told my son (and husband) that I don’t mind what he decides on as any decision he makes will be for his benefit. I wouldn’t mind a bit of a party tho’!

I have very few close relations and friends so I want just a short service in the Church in whose churchyard I will be buried, prayers but no hymns as just a few people singing is very sad for those present, I wish it to be over and done with as quickly as possible for my son’s sake.

Daddima, would that it could be next day. ASAP is the answer. Recent contact with Crem indicated three days but somewhat depends on necessary paperwork being in order and, the way things are going with government, who knows?!!