Hen/Stag dos

nandad

Friend’s daughter had a hen do in Switzerland earlier this year, will be having another one next year in Barcelona 2 months before the wedding which is in Italy. She’s thinking she might have one here as well for those that can’t get to Barcelona! I know you can say no but if you are a bridesmaid you are expected to go and also contribute to the hen’s costs. Then there are the t-shirts or other outfits for the obligatory ‘theme’ and the bits and pieces for the games, the bottomless brunch etc. Not sure if it’s a privilege to be invited or not. Think it can cause a lot of resentment. Just have a look over on MN.

To heck with that! If these brides want all this then THEY should be expected to pay for them!!
When I was chief bridesmaid in around 1984, the bride chose what she wanted dress-wise etc and her mother made them!
There was no big hen do, but I was given a lovely St. Christopher necklace as a thank you for being there and being her chief bridesmaid - I've never seen another like it, either!
My DS & DDiL are going to a wedding abroad next year, and have taken out a loan for it! Why don't the couples-to-be just marry at home THEN go abroad for their honeymoons, instead of expecting their friends and families to get into debt for them?!
Then, of course, we get the bridezillas these days, who demand everything to be their way at their prices regardless of who pays, as long as it isn't themselves, of course!
I do love to read about these, but I'd not last 5 minutes before telling them where to put their demands!!

Callistemon21

Why are women's bridal parties called hen parties and men's called stag parties?

Stags - magnificent, haughty, in charge

Hens, clucking busily around the farmyard then being hustled along by the cockerel!

Time the name was changed 😁

Cock parties, then? 🙂

baby showers!! 🥺😱😬😮🤣

Totally OTT and don't start me off on baby showers!!

My niece’s wedding last month was in France. Her now husband is French (although he has Australian citizenship now) and they wanted to marry on his parent’s estate in France. Around half the family attended. Some from Australia and some from UK. They are having another celebration back in Sydney next month for those who couldn’t go to France. My niece had a hen do in Sydney. A variety of activities were held over one day - drawing class, dinner, karaoke.

The wedding "abroad" is inevitable if you marry someone from overseas. At least half the family is going to be travelling somewhere.

Totally ott! Expensive hen/stag do (often abroad) followed by a wedding abroad followed by a wedding celebration party back home. Dd was bridesmaid at her best friends “dos” which financially alone was ott.

Whilst I agree that some think it's all about the wedding and others that it's all about the marriage there are obviously some who feel that whilst it's all about the marriage they want to have the as perfect as possible wedding too.... with or without a hen/stag do.

I know my daughters both thought that.. and probably my daughters-in-law too.
Maybe I've been lucky here.
They have spent what they could afford.

Monica-
Looking back to all the weddings I have been to, the ones that have been home made, or done on a shoe string or just unmaterialistic have resulted in the marriages that are all still in existence and clearly working well.

Yes, I feel that is what I have seen too, some people want to be married and others want a wedding day!

Going back to this slightly old thread, apropos of reading an AIBU over on MN regarding a "friend's dream wedding" the poster confessed to stumping up to join in three Hen dos (one isn't enough? it seems) one in Tenerife, one at home and a further UK trip, bottomless brunches, dress try ons with more lunches. The hotel for the wedding, stay overnight £450 plus every other expense to go to the do itself, outfit,shoes, bag, make up, drinks the poster reckons all of that took her over a few thousand pounds! that alone left me with a "what the.........." whatever expletive comes to mind! The killer blow, the marriage lasted TWO WEEKS. The poster is now very annoyed with her friend, having spent all this money, particularly as she, the friend, is allegedly completely blase about the whole thing. On reading through some of the comments many were "well more fool you stumping up all that money at the behest of someone else" My thoughts exactly! Excessive doesn't even begin to describe such ridiculous expectations, nothing to do with a commitment and a life together whatsoever.

leeds22

My hairdresser tells me about the Hen & Stag do's her and her partner get invited to plus the wedding. They are not having much of a holiday this year with their little girl, due 2 weddings and all the extras involved. I think it has put them off getting married. My Hen do was a night out with friends at Cinderella Rockerfella's night club in Leeds, back in 1972 when Pete Stringellow was the DJ.

They are not having much of a holiday this year with their little girl, due 2 weddings and all the extras involved.

If these events are costing so much that your hairdresser and her partner can't afford a family holiday, I think they need to examine their priorities.

I could never put my friends in that position, I think it's completely selfish and self-centred to expect your friends to be out of pocket, and possibly eat into their holiday entitlement if they are working.

What with hen/stag dos, weddings, baby-showers, gender-reveal parties...

I have a broad rule of thumb. The more that is spent on the wedding (that includes hen/stag dos) the shorter the marriage.

Looking back to all the weddings I have been to, the ones that have been home made, or done on a shoe string or just unmaterialistic have resulted in the marriages that are all still in existence and clearly working well.

My nephew and his wife to be both had 3 such "dos" One overseas, one a weekend away in the U.K and then a day at the races followed by a meal and night out. Absolutely ridiculous amount of money they didn't have and they split up very soon after the wedding. Seems to me the parties are far more important than the actual marriage.

People with exotic, bloviated ideas on how to celebrate what they think is The Most Special Wedding of the Year are simply delusional and don’t have a reality check on how people cannot afford to fly off to a destination bachelorette (Hen) party.

And then there’s the wedding to contend with! Unless the bride is paying for all of it (actually some do!) it almost forces people to choose one or the other - go on a drunken partying spree or the wedding itself. Which is more important?
USA Gundy

I have heard of people not getting married because "We can't afford it", and of others who are still paying off the celebrations a year later, and wondering how to pay for the cot and the pram.

Exactly how much does it cost to go to a registry office with parents and a few good friends and promise to love each other for ever? That is all it takes to get married. All the rest is optional. If you can afford it, enjoy it. If you can't, then just enjoy being married to someone you love.

Some interesting posts and stories!

Each to his / her own. I'm not into this culture at all, but I'm sure some of these events can be fun and interesting for all the friends and family.

However, I would never allow myself to be railroaded into spending money I couldn't afford or giving time I didn't have, to facilitate someone else's lifestyle choices. If I had a 'spare' few hundred pounds, it would go into my grandchildren's bank accounts.

The only 'do' I was ever invited to was back in the late 60s. The culminating event was to be what was then referred to as a "blue" movie in someone's sitting-room where we were invited to gather after a crawl around a few east London pubs. I bailed.

Leeds, if I was that hairdresser and sure the man she was marrying was the one. I would do it my way, true friends would understand the rest do not matter. In fact, if it got out of hand I would just have it with her little girl, parents and best friend. It's a lot about keeping up or outdoing each other now, like children's parties where the host gave £20 gift vouchers to guests.

I've heard a few complaints from twenty and thirty somethings about not being able to afford to go on an extremely expensive hen night .

Ican, some friends they were! I find a lot of the hen nights/holidays in particular raucous and cringing, so I'm out of step. However, if they mix with a crowd and it their values, thats up to them , just hope I'm not in the vicinity, they need to be far away.

I often think that weddings too often get in the way of the marriage, and weddings should be saved for the 10th wedding anniversary as a celebration of the commitment of the couple to each other.

I decided when i was about 8 that big white weddings were not for me, and when I did marry, followed through with a quiet wedding with only my nearest and dearest present. I was determined not to influence my daughter (not that weddings were ever discussed at home), but I was delighted when at much the same age, she, too, rejected big white weddings. In her case she later chose not to marry, co-habit, or have children.

I am definitely in the group thinking it is all a lot of money, and very OTT. I also think that the amount spent on the wedding dress seems to have grown to ridiculous levels. Somehow the actual wedding no longer seems to be the centre and focus . Possibly as many people have already lived together it is different but when I married and when my son married , the wedding day was the important thing and whilst we had small local get togethers with friends, before the day , the important thing was the wedding day itself and we were conscious of what we spent as we were saving for our own place and certainly didnt want to get into debt in a big way.

Callistemon21

Sounds as if his drink was spiked, icanhandthemback.
Unfortunately, some people find this kind of thing funny as long as it's happening to someone else.

It's possible to have fun with trying to humiliate someone.

I never thought of that and neither did he. I think he just assumed that as he hadn't been out for years for a drinking session, he had just become rather a lightweight. He's a lovely lad who was a very young parent but a good one and I was really sorry to hear that someone's idea of entertainment (even without the misogynistic tone) could cause so much damage.

icanhandthemback, I'm sorry to hear the situation that your son's friend was put in and the ramifications that followed. Those who set up such sordid events for unwilling participants and that's the thing, many men and women who are put in embarrassing situations at the behest of really nasty people who regard it as a bit of a laugh, don't want it. Shame on them or indeed that mindset of you must have a "last fling before tying the knot" it makes a mockery of making the commitment.

Sounds as if his drink was spiked, icanhandthemback.
Unfortunately, some people find this kind of thing funny as long as it's happening to someone else.

It's possible to have fun with trying to humiliate someone.

One of my son's friends had his Stag do in Amsterdam. He isn't a drinker and was quickly completely out of it. His best man had arranged some time in a strip club (which the friend didn't really want) and his boss arranged for a "private" dance. He virtually had to be carried in to a back room and the woman undid his trousers with the intention of performing a sexual act. He came to his senses sufficiently enough to push her away and stagger out back to his mates to tell them what had happened. The next morning he had no memory of it at all but was being teased. My son, who was not privy to any of this as he was in the toilet at the time, told him what had happened and suggested that he would be better off not telling his future wife what had happened by the chap felt so guilty, he couldn't keep quiet. He'd been with her for many years and they had 2 lovely children but she really struggled with this and they nearly didn't get married. They tried to put it behind them, had marriage counselling and he stopped working for the boss because he was so upset that he would do such a thing, but after a year, she told him she wanted a divorce. He was absolutely devastated and disgusted with himself. He was suicidal and my son spent many an hour with him to help him get through it. I am pleased to say that eventually after a year apart, the couple did get back together and he has decided that he will never put himself in that position again.
My husband and I both wondered if a Stag weekend was worth it and I know my DIL was sobbing on my shoulder after 24 hours wanting to go home when she had her Hen weekend.
I think they are something that everybody seems to want but the reality is somewhat different to the dream.