DS and DiL "babying" 3yo GD

Hetty58

Amy71452, yet another (so familiar) post where a grandparent wants to impose their own (superior?) parenting style - rather than just following the parent's wishes. It's a sure way to cause resentment, upset - even possible distancing - so why even think about it?

I should really make another post, as this makes me sound really cynical. I suppose I don't use forums to shout about all the great things. Had I had to do parenting again, there's things I'd have learnt off both of them. I think the most important thing is the time they manage to dedicate to her, despite them both working in very busy jobs. They are so caring to her and perhaps the time they spend engaging, playing and being great role models to her means things like this fall to the wayside. I make sure I tell them all the good things they do and it's my bad I wrote the post to not convey this properly

My daughter had a dummy and when she was three her brother was born. I explained that she was now too old for a dummy and she was happy to throw it away because she wasn't a baby (I was amazed that it was so easy!) Her brother refused to have a dummy at all and sucked his thumb instead, which affected the growth of his teeth for a long time.

GS1 had a dummy but I tactfully put it on one side if we were doing something interesting. There were several attempts to potty train him but after a couple of days he would lose interest and forget all about it. Then one day he woke up and said he wasn't going to wear nappies anymore.

I think that disposable nappies are too comfortable. The terry towelling nappies I used on my babies and toddlers seemed very uncomfortable when wet and so both of my children were keen to be "a big boy/girl" and use the potty.

I remember a Primary school teacher telling me that in all her years of teaching she never thought that a child would go to school with a dummy and not potty trained. She said some parents think it is down to the teacher??

Hetty58

Amy71452, yet another (so familiar) post where a grandparent wants to impose their own (superior?) parenting style - rather than just following the parent's wishes. It's a sure way to cause resentment, upset - even possible distancing - so why even think about it?

That seems a bit harsh really. The OP is genuinely worried about the potential impact on her grandchild as opposed to "wanting to impose their "superior" parenting style" She asked for advice and got reassurance! Her update shows that she has thought about the replies too

It was usual to start the process in summer. Play school rules w ere that children had to be out of nappies. Most started playgroup at 18 months/2 years. Rules were Understandable as nappies were not thrown away after use, but soaked in a bucket and washed, so it just couldn't work in those pre disposable days.

PS here in the village takes children from 2, so changing nappies is just a normal part of the school day. There is an "Intimate Care" policy in place.

I expect the preschool will have something to say about the potty training fairly soon.

A colleague of mine left it rather late for her daughter (nearly 4 yrs old) and the nursery had a little word. The colleague had to take annual leave to instigate potty training.

I rather think that with mothers working longer hours these days that getting any level of consistency is tough, and the idea of using precious annual leave is off putting.

My friend retired this summer having worked as an Advanced Teaching Assistant for decades. She says it has definitely got worse in recent years with kids starting school unable to use the toilet, tie their shoelaces, eat with a knife and fork etc. it just causes more work for staff in school.

I regularly meet a young Mum collecting her girl from school who looks about 6. First thing she does is sticks a dummy in the kid’s mouth! She is far too big to use a dummy and looks ridiculous. It’s just lazy parenting.

My late MIL was German and it was the norm then (50s) to sit the child on a pot from about 8 months and they would be completely trained very soon after.

Amy71452, yet another (so familiar) post where a grandparent wants to impose their own (superior?) parenting style - rather than just following the parent's wishes. It's a sure way to cause resentment, upset - even possible distancing - so why even think about it?

Children are so different as ri when they are ready. My son was 3.5 years old and cracked potty training in a day or 2. In general the latest you leave it the quicker it happens and the fewer accidents . But all are different, at just turned 2 my daughter decided she was fed up with nappies, and potty trained herself there and then after a taking her nappy off herself. She was dry at night too, several years before her brother was who was nearly 4 years older. Different but both normal.
Support the parents by when it happens doing what is needed.

Thanks again all for the kind messages, the messaging makes total sense, and I'm not saying a thing about it. The baking (my internal apology) went down very well!

I think with these comments I can see potty training is hard and knew it was difficult. How do you know they're not ready if you haven't tried. I'll always worry they heard that the GP isn't concerned until 4 year visit as that they shouldn't start until then but hopefully GD will decide out of nowhere to say no.

She's lovely but a very chatty madam. I've been found out for putting the dummies away when she said to her parents and was proud she only wanted it a few times when she didn't have it. So I'm very cautious haha.

I can't believe this is becoming such a problem in preschoolers. But I'm relieved I'm not the only one in this boat

Sennelier1

Like every other grandmother is saying here, when with your grandbanies never do anything your children and their partners wouldn't want you to do. About the pacifier : mine ánd my grandchildren only had one for sleeping and in "difficult moments". Not for playing in the garden or helping you in the kitchen. So here is my idea : you could explain to your GD her pacifier could get dirty, so let's put it in a safe place - where she can see it and get to it by herself. Maybe she forgets about it while doing an activity and then you can praise her - but you did nót keep her pacifier from her!

Good idea re the dummy, putting it in a safe place but handy.

She's old enough to know how to help make cakes, smoothies (do make sure the lid is on or it's turned off at the mains before she presses the switch!) or help with planting cress etc on cottonwool etc.

Like every other grandmother is saying here, when with your grandbanies never do anything your children and their partners wouldn't want you to do. About the pacifier : mine ánd my grandchildren only had one for sleeping and in "difficult moments". Not for playing in the garden or helping you in the kitchen. So here is my idea : you could explain to your GD her pacifier could get dirty, so let's put it in a safe place - where she can see it and get to it by herself. Maybe she forgets about it while doing an activity and then you can praise her - but you did nót keep her pacifier from her!

I really wouldn't say anything .
Children don't appreciate criticism however well meaning .

She is their child not your child .
If she is loved and cared for I wouldn't be
concerned .

One of my children had a dummy for a long time . Eventually it was her idea to give it up .
Her sister sucked her thumb and had an orthodontic problem as a result .

Two of mine were very easy to potty train and one wasn't .
She used to have accidents until she was eight .

Er all the school nurseries I know are full of 3 year olds it's not compulsory but it's certainly what a lot of parents want

I'm not actually a GP, and from what my 2 DSs have told me, I probably never will be, but if I were in the OP's position, I'd stick with distracting from the dummy (my own DSs had decided they were 'big boys' and didn't need babyish dummies before they were 2yrs old.
As for potty training, my partner would leave the toilet door open, so if the DC wandered in and asked what he was doing, he could say that big boys don't wear nappies, and of course, they wanted to be big boys, so they wanted out of nappies ASAP, and were completely dry (even overnight) by about 3yrs old.
So, if OP is looking after the child in their home, the parents can't stop them from just having a potty sitting around in the house, and if the GC is inquisitive, they might start asking about it.
Yes, it's the parents' job to potty train, but just seeing one at granny's house does no harm in my opinion.

NotSpaghetti

^The compulsory school starting age in Wales is age 5.^

As Callistemon21 says.
Most children go to school in the UK "rising 5" and some go to nursery or pre-school but, legally, 5 is the age at which children must receive an education - "suitable to their age ability and aptitude" and "any special need they may have".
3½, 3 etc... no!

If you think a child is too young to start school eg at 4 years and a couple of days and ask that they defer a year they put them into Y1 anyway so they miss reception year!
At least that is what they do here.

The compulsory school starting age in Wales is age 5.

As Callistemon21 says.
Most children go to school in the UK "rising 5" and some go to nursery or pre-school but, legally, 5 is the age at which children must receive an education - "suitable to their age ability and aptitude" and "any special need they may have".
3½, 3 etc... no!

‘Relationship is good with DiL as well.’ This! Don’t risk this. It’s so precious to have a DIL you get along with. To this day, 48 years later, I can still hear my mother in law telling me how my 4 week old baby was ‘too pale’ and needed iron injections 🙄. He was ginger for heavens sake! Relax and leave it all to them. As many comments note, things are done so differently now. We had our time as young parents, now it’s their time. You do sound a very caring granny.

I wouldn’t say a thing as she’s not your child Amy! I don’t like dummies myself none of mine had them but lots of babies have them for a very long time, as for potty training it will happen when she’s ready. And keep my opinions to myself just enjoy your time with her

Not for grandparents to interfere: you'll only alienate DS and DiL if you do.
There's a lot to be said for waiting until a child is ready to 'potty train' in my experience, whenever that might as it is sorted so quickly that way. I have had one hypermobile child who who didn't walk til 2 1/2 years and a hypermobile granddaughter who walked at 2 years. Neither could manage using a potty or toilet until they walked but when they did, they learned within a couple of weeks.
Dummies, I think do more harm with making a child's speech unclear than they do cause dental problems. Probably best to see if you can distract during the day but sleep time is different. Thumbs sucked cause as many dental problems as dummies!

Saggi

My SIL. Is a primary teacher ….unbelievable amount of kids starting school not being able to toilet themselves and a couple even turned up in nappies!! There is another side to this nonesense …… my daughter, a child psychologist left her two kids ‘late’ to potty train , I thought …but she started it at 2-2.5 and kids all di E and dusted by 3… 3 is far too late to start.

It really isn't fair on teachers.

My SIL. Is a primary teacher ….unbelievable amount of kids starting school not being able to toilet themselves and a couple even turned up in nappies!! There is another side to this nonesense …… my daughter, a child psychologist left her two kids ‘late’ to potty train , I thought …but she started it at 2-2.5 and kids all di E and dusted by 3… 3 is far too late to start.

I agree with Agaa4 their child, their rules. My son & daughter in law did 1 or 2 things with their daughters I was concerned about. Tantrums were just left to ' get over them' put on what ever clothes they wanted to wear. [shock} sometimes it was so funny but they were happy.
Had quite steep steps down to the garden and went up and down on their own when just toddlers (which made me so nervous) but never had any accidents. They are now 13 & 16 and such lovely, polite, confident and beautiful girls that they are so proud of. As far as I'm concerned they have done an amazing job.