Reading daughter’s diary 25 years on and the consequences

I thought I was reading my own post then, exactly the same situation. My daughter wrote a diary which I came across a couple of years ago. It wasn't a diary diary but a school exercise book so I had a real shock when I came across all the vitriol, the swearing and name calling, the evil things she wrote about me and other members of the family. I will never forget them, but I haven't said anything to her, she has two children of her own and I believe in karma, a few years time and she might have nightmare teenagers. There is nothing that can be done or said, hormones and teenage girls have always caused problems, and for some it goes well beyond the door slamming and answering back that I subjected my own parents to.

So sorry MadeinYorkshire. How dreadful for you to have to wait for the inquest on your daughter. I hope it won’t be as long as 12 weeks, and that her phone might give you some sort of explanation.

JaneJudge

I'm so sorry MadeInYorkshire you must be reeling x

Thank you Jane, yes I really am ... after nearly 11 months I'll be starting some counselling on Monday, not via the NHS I hasten to add - they took until 6 months to the day she died before they called, went to one appointment to 'make a plan' and agreed a follow up call on 15th August - I'm still waiting for that! Thank the Lord for charities, eh?

I recently found a diary that I kept during my last year at school and first year at university, now 50 years ago. Apart from jogging my memory on some names it was boring and repetitive. Washing my hair seemed to be a big part of my life, as were exams and assignments. I would hate any of family reading it, so has been burned.

I'm so sorry MadeInYorkshire you must be reeling x

If your trust is so easily broken by reading some rants written by someone in their teens (who’s brain wasn’t properly developed), and was never meant to be read, I think you and she have bigger issues.

It doesn’t matter what the content is, or ruminate on how much the vacuum cost etc. it’s completely beside the point.

Really, it’s beyond foolish to look for the truth in a diary… after all, Oscar Wilde used to read his diary on the train as it was the best fiction he could get his hands on!

I suggest you close the book on this one and move on.

It's a shame that you read the diary .
What ever you do -don't tell her !
The danger would be during a row when things escalate out of control and exchanges get heated .
I remember feeling deeply resentful towards my mother.
She was so cold ,distant and unapproachable .
My friends seemed to have such great relationships with their mothers .
They took them to contraceptive clinics .
A couple arranged abortions .
I was constantly told off and lectured about boys ,drugs and bringing dishonour to our family.
I never recorded my thoughts , because she wasn't adverse to checking my room .
I certainly thought them !

I was determined to have a better relationship with my children and I thought that I did until I overheard my elder daughter telling her American friend that I was a horrible , strict English mother who didn't like being disturbed !
I was seriously ill and in bed .

A couple of years later , she stood in our hall on the phone and told another friend that she was a modern day Cinderella forced to babysit her brother against her will .
It was occasional and I used to pay her very generously .
I had wondered why when introduced to her friend's mother -the woman couldn't have been cooler !

JaneJudge

Mine always threatened me with childline

Ha, ha, so did mine!

About 6 weeks before she died in November last year, my daughter appeared from her bedroom (not a very common occurrence), holding a large brown leather notebook absolutely sobbing her heart out ... I asked her what on earth had happened and she handed me the book. I lifted the cover, and without reading any of it, I could see that it as a suicide note. I closed the book and said that I didn't want to read it, and handed it back. She said that she had found it in the loft, and that she had written notes to me, her sister and her best friend when her mental health was at it's worst, and just before she had made an attempt on her life. Had she not been found on that day she would have died in January last year. She had no idea that she could actually be so vile, and it broke her heart.

When the police were here on the day she died, they had that brown notebook in their hands - it was undated, and they obviously believed that it was her suicide note, but it wasn't - this time there was no note, and I believe that this was accidental, (especially as ASDA turned up with her food shopping) she was just trying to get some sleep and get away from the voices in her head telling her that she wasn't worthy of life. If something did trigger her to do it then it is on her phone - the police took it that day, and didn't send it for download until the 7th August just gone, and there is a backlog of at least 12 weeks. In the meantime, we are left just hanging, waiting for an inquest date - disgusting ....

We have been advised not to read them, and we won't.

Actually I've found all of this very interesting, as it does explain some things that my sister has said at times through the years when we used to quarrel.
Things - and feelings - I never understood.

I knew they were exaggerated, but now I can see that they came from a time in her early teens when our parents separated, and she had to live with Mum while I was a student up north.
They are just the things she felt at the time and never said.

Our relationship is now much better than at the beginning of Covid, when we weren't speaking! I made a decision not to try and sort out what happened back then. Now we are better friends.

(And a diary is an outlet for such feelings, isn't it. The things you have to get out, and can't say!)

I haven't had time to read through every reply, so I apologise if this has been said before………
@ 123ish, you say you're distrustful of your daughter now.
How would she feel knowing that you saw fit to read her personal, private diary.
She'd have every right to feel distrustful of you!

You're correct, you should not have read it. That was a massive betrayal of trust. You say you now don't trust her, but it seems she shouldn't trust you either? Onto her "rants"; she was a teenager! All teenagers rail against their parents, usually the mother, and a diary 'should' be a safe, non-judgemental, place to do it. As for the false accusations; many people have what's called 'false memory syndrome', this is when the brain recalls an event happening which never actually happened, or didn't happen in the way they think it did, but the person insists it did. It's not done on purpose, and trying to dissuade the person of their belief is extremely difficult. Plus, teenagers like to exaggerate anyway! I do understand your upset, really I do. I have an adult child who insists they had the worst childhood in the world and that I treated them dreadfully. And they have false memory syndrome, relating events which never happened and embellishing events they weren't privy too, but had been told about. They've gone as far as to tell me they hate me and that they wish me dead. Their sibling thinks they had a great childhood and that I treated them both well. I think I did, though much like most parents, I know I made mistakes. Yes, it hurts, badly, and it's hard to get past, but I've found that the best thing to do, for me at least, is to just be pleasant to them, concentrate my time and efforts on the DGC, and let the adult child be. It's not easy, and I feel for you.

One life’s rites of passage is to separate from parents and become independent adults. I wonder if that’s easier to do from a position of temporarily ‘hating’ one’s parents and everything they stand for whilst teens work out who they are.

Bella23

Callistemon21

JaneJudge

Mine always threatened me with childline

Oh an one of mine did that
😂😂😂

Mainly for turfing her unceremoniously out of bed and getting her to school on time.

Mine did the same because I made them wear proper uniform and warned them about smoking in the Cemetry at lunchtime.
They quoted the number at me and I said I would phone Mum's line. When asked what the number was I gave my mothers they were terrified of her finding out.

😂😂😂

I wouldn't have done this, it is such a huge violation of trust and privacy.

However, there are some things you need to consider as painful as it is...

This is how your daughter genuinely felt 25 years ago. She wrote it in secret and vented her feelings and frustrations.

Of course those feelings will be coloured by her age, level of maturity and her hormones in delicate years.

The way to make amends here for breaking trust would be to understand that that is how she felt back then and that is what is driving her comments now. You could use it as an opportunity to reflect on the past and present and improve the relationship

Remember this diary was never written as an attack on you but for your daughter to privately vent feelings and frustrations. You still have the relationship and the chance to grow closer

MarathonRunner

My mother was a very difficult woman , she had mental health issues and there were 4 teenage daughters in the house all pushing her buttons and boundaries . I hated her as a teenager , but she died when I was 39 and raising my 3 made me aware of how difficult life must have been for her back then .
Recalling some of the nasty things I said to her makes me want to cut out my own tongue out sometimes because I realise now she loved us deeply and was trying to raise us properly and protect us whilst we just wanted to be free , have fun and do what we liked . What did we know .
Teenagers are horrible creatures 😫 especially girls .
You sound like a fantastic mum who tried her best for her children . Throw the diary on the bonfire and when you feel upset , look at the children you raised and the fantastic people they have become , that's down to you and you alone . You weren't a horrible mum , you were the best and they'll realise that when their teenagers come stamping through the door hurling insults.
I've moved forward with love in my heart for my Mum and regret for being so difficult and selfish . She tried her best and so did you @GrannyVen .

Sorry GrannyVen , this was meant also for 123ish .

My mother was a very difficult woman , she had mental health issues and there were 4 teenage daughters in the house all pushing her buttons and boundaries . I hated her as a teenager , but she died when I was 39 and raising my 3 made me aware of how difficult life must have been for her back then .
Recalling some of the nasty things I said to her makes me want to cut out my own tongue out sometimes because I realise now she loved us deeply and was trying to raise us properly and protect us whilst we just wanted to be free , have fun and do what we liked . What did we know .
Teenagers are horrible creatures 😫 especially girls .
You sound like a fantastic mum who tried her best for her children . Throw the diary on the bonfire and when you feel upset , look at the children you raised and the fantastic people they have become , that's down to you and you alone . You weren't a horrible mum , you were the best and they'll realise that when their teenagers come stamping through the door hurling insults.
I've moved forward with love in my heart for my Mum and regret for being so difficult and selfish . She tried her best and so did you @GrannyVen .

Lemsip and just remember that in turn, one day her kids will probably be criticising her parenting style :-). I think it's the circle of life!

Don't say anything to your daughter. I read recently that 'A mother's place is in the wrong'.

I didn't have a good relationship with my mother because she was brought up by an elderly father (born in Victorian times) and had very narrow ideas about how I should behave. Given I was a teenager in the 60's this was difficult. She did not approve of me and never gave me praise, although she did help me in some ways - for instance she taught me to sew. I was not happy living in my childhood house as a teenager as I never felt I was welcome there. I left home, got married and spent many years not seeing a lot of my parents as we didn't live close to them. However, when they were 80 they moved up to be near us (on the same street in fact) and I then had a different relationship with them because they needed my help. I grew close to my father but could never get through to my mother. She had ill health in her later years (died at 87) . I feel guilty that I didn't make more effort to help her. However, I have two wonderful daughters-in-law and I do have a really good relationship with them both. One of them gave me a huge hug the other day and told me she loved me.

Please do not tell your daughter that you read her diary. It remains hers as do the thoughts in it. Take comfort in the fact that every teenager hates their parents and loves drama. Nothing - absolutely nothing good can come from telling her you read her diary. How would you feel if you found out someone had invaded YOUR privacy??

I always said I wouldn’t read my dc diaries as my mum read mine when I was a teenager . Mine was about boys I fancied and my first sexual experiences. I was mortified that she’d read it and 50 years later I can still recall her handing me my diary and calling me names . Luckily we now have a good relationship and I’m her carer .
I was seriously worried about my sons mental health when he was 15/16 and whilst changing his bed found his diary . I made the decision to read it because he had run away from home to a friends house and read that he was in a turmoil regarding his sexuality. I went to the friends house and told my DS I’d read his diary and that I loved him no matter what. This was like a switch in his behaviour and he came out to us when he was 18. He later told me that he wanted me to find the dairy because that was the pivot to being open about his sexuality.
However in your position I’d not say anything to your dd. And as others have said it’s teenage angst. And best forgotten.

Sorry you feel devastated but you could've shut it after the first nasty entry, right?

Present her with it: found this in the loft, thought you'd like it. Maybe she'll read it and cringe. Maybe it will help her with her children.

By all means read old diaries for historical research (!) but not those of people who are alive!

Sorry, I don’t really agree. If nobody read old diaries there would be no history!
She was only a teenager and was using the diary to express all her frustration. What’s the nearest, easiest target for her pent up aggression? Mum, of course. It doesn’t mean she didn’t or does not love you.
Actually the diary should be in her possession. Wrap it up in clingfilm so you aren’t tempted to open it again. Next time you see her say you found it in the loft and hand it over without another word.
If she explodes with “have you been reading my diary???” It would be lovely if you were honest and said,” yes, my curiosity got the better of me - besides, if you didn’t want me to read it, why did you leave it in my house? It’s yours, and if you’d like to talk about the things in it one day, I’d be willing to have that conversation.”

I destroyed my teenage diaries a couple of years ago - of no historical or family significance and very dull as well. I have kept quite a lot of letters though, because they do conjure up the times in which they were written and may one day interest my grand daughter. Or may not, of course!