Reading daughter’s diary 25 years on and the consequences

What an interesting thread, thanks for posting this, it was very brave of you!
Personally, I probably wouldn’t have read the diary, as I would expect to find somethings I liked, and some I didn’t, and being human, we can tend to focus on the negatives. Did she say some good things too?
None of us are fans of our parents all the time, but once it’s written down it is difficult to forget. Personally, I know that we both did our best for all four of our children, but they have all turned out very differently.
One just became a new mum in June, and one is expecting a baby this week, and I will be very interested to see how they find parenting! I think it is a difficult job, and none of us do it perfectly. We all generally just do our best with the resources and wisdom that we have at the time.
Personally, I would destroy the diary and try to forget about it, it’s just a snapshot of a time in the past, don’t let it spoil the present or the future. xx

I wrote all my feelings and err "activities" concerning my boyfriends in my diary and was very upset when my sister and her daughter told me they found it at our mums house and read it. I still can't forgive her I think it was an awful thing to do. Don't tell her you read it things will only get worse between you both.

It often distresses me how many people post such judgemental, self-righteous replies to someone who is obviously upset! I, for one, might well have read the diary, and would have felt just the same as 123ish. However, teenage girls are a different breed and so many are utterly vile! (I had all boys so I'm just going by what I've heard, boys often have different preoccupations) It also seems to me that the more people do for their children the less they are appreciated - or perhaps I should say the less they are perceived, i.e. as beings in their own right. OK, strictly speaking the diary should not have been read, but hey! what is it doing still in Mum's loft? Try to think of this as teenage craziness. You might just as well hold two-year old tantrums as a criticism! You did your best, you've raised a successful, fulfilled adult with whom you have a good relationship. You've done a great job - try to focus on positives and move on.

If I asked my AC now what they thought of us and their upbringing I think their responses would be largely positive. But, if I found and read their teenage diaries I suspect they’d be something similar to your daughter’s! Teenagers are programmed to see the worst in things, especially their parents, it’s how they start to find their own way, so what you’ve read is a glimpse into the perceptions of an average teenager.

Better not to have read it, but now, forget it - it’s in the past and no longer relevant.

Don't say anything I hated my mum as a teenager don't a lot of us ?

I had a lovely childhood and didn't really have a teenage period where I hated my parents or fell out with them, other than the odd argument or tantrum. However, I kept a diary every year from the start of senior school (and still do!), and one day when I was in my early 30's and a mum myself, my mum told me she had read my diary - lucky for her there were no rants about my parents, at least very few. Instead I seemed to have talked about the boys I fancied etc, and later my first sexual experiences. She actually recited some of the things I'd written, and although I didn't really remember any of it, she clearly still remembered, and the wording certainly would have been the sort of wording I'd have used. It was quite detailed and I have no idea why she told me, but it was excrutiatingly humiliating and I've never forgiven her. Mum never kept a diary herself, but a few years ago, I was going through a really bad patch (divorce, etc) and I later found a document mum wrote on the computer (it was on a memory stick she asked me to check over, years after the event, to see if there was anything worth keeping on it, and this document gave no idea what it was). She had documented how horrible I was and all her critisisms of me, some things certainly not true, but without any mention of why I was so utterly distressed and 'difficult'. It brought back the memory of her telling about my diaries years earlier, and I since lost all trust and respect for her. She is very elderly now, I love her, and I do everything I can for her ..... but I can never forgive her. Strangely, when asked by a friend recently what happy memories I have from my childhood, regarding my parents, I can relay many of my dad, but none at all of my mum, yet I know I had a happy childhood! Isn't it strange how the brain works, as I can only assume that these events have subconciously faded any happy memories of her.

Even 25 years later the contents of a diary are still private. I think you should have returned it to her unread to get it out of temptations’ way. But what’s done is done, and I don’t think you have any choice but to keep it to yourself and try to forget it. The only thing of concern is that your daughter has criticised your parenting since becoming a mum herself. If that continues you’ll inevitably be tempted to defend yourself by telling her what you now know. Please don’t. If so, try to remember that she was a lot younger when all of this was written and has matured since then. You’ve done your best and they seem to be thriving from what you’ve said.

My mother read my diary and I used to say things about her which I would never have dared to say to her face. In a way I found it amusing that she couldn't say anything because I'd know what I'd been up to.
I wouldn't read my daughter's diary because I know she would have written hurtful things because she was a teenager with angst. I'd find that really difficulty. It's best never to have to forget.

If it helps any I found a diary l had wrote when I was 13, 50 years ago. My Mum was a lovely person and did her best. But in my diary l wrote frequent rants on how my Mum did not understand me and she was so slow to buy me a bra. I would not take it seriously. I have lovely childhood memories but the diary did not show that.

Chuck if out and forget it !

CornflowerBlue

I had a lovely childhood and didn't really have a teenage period where I hated my parents or fell out with them, other than the odd argument or tantrum. However, I kept a diary every year from the start of senior school (and still do!), and one day when I was in my early 30's and a mum myself, my mum told me she had read my diary - lucky for her there were no rants about my parents, at least very few. Instead I seemed to have talked about the boys I fancied etc, and later my first sexual experiences. She actually recited some of the things I'd written, and although I didn't really remember any of it, she clearly still remembered, and the wording certainly would have been the sort of wording I'd have used. It was quite detailed and I have no idea why she told me, but it was excrutiatingly humiliating and I've never forgiven her. Mum never kept a diary herself, but a few years ago, I was going through a really bad patch (divorce, etc) and I later found a document mum wrote on the computer (it was on a memory stick she asked me to check over, years after the event, to see if there was anything worth keeping on it, and this document gave no idea what it was). She had documented how horrible I was and all her critisisms of me, some things certainly not true, but without any mention of why I was so utterly distressed and 'difficult'. It brought back the memory of her telling about my diaries years earlier, and I since lost all trust and respect for her. She is very elderly now, I love her, and I do everything I can for her ..... but I can never forgive her. Strangely, when asked by a friend recently what happy memories I have from my childhood, regarding my parents, I can relay many of my dad, but none at all of my mum, yet I know I had a happy childhood! Isn't it strange how the brain works, as I can only assume that these events have subconciously faded any happy memories of her.

At the age of 17 I walked in on my mum going through my personal things in a dressing table drawer. My diary was on the bed and she had obviously been leafing through it. She stuttered some excuse about looking for something of hers that she thought I’d borrowed and scurried out of the room.

There was nothing of particular interest to her in the diary, but the invasion of my privacy really affected me, along with the fact that she couldn’t even admit to what she’d done, but made an excuse. Like your own mum, mine is now very elderly and lives with me. She has dementia and every day a little bit of who she is slips away and it’s heartbreaking because I do love her. But I don’t know what it says about me that I still can’t forgive her for what I considered a huge betrayal of trust.

Teenagers are not people - forget it

If teenagers are not people, what are they?

Air elements?
Water? Fire? Spirits?

Good you read her diary I feel its important if we can to talk to our children openly and gently and discuss emotional issues in a non judgemental way. This can help mental health. Memories from the past can be aired and healing and understanding might take place with any luck.

Being dependent on Yr parents to get you to anywhere as a teenager for sports and social life is very frustrating, teenagers are longing for more independence, its part of growing up..don't let it worry you, the diary was a place to let off steam!

My mother was what we in Liverpool call a "nosyhole" and believed she had the right to read "any letter that comes to this house". For that reason I had all my private letters/bank statements etc sent to an accommodation address in a local shop and wrote my diary in shorthand. I actually enjoyed the intellectual game I played with her as a teenager.

My grandmother left me the contents of her house and it felt really intrusive to have to sort through her intimate things. I did come across some correspondance between her and a very dear friend of hers. I knew about the relationship so I destroyed the letters so my aunts (who had inherited the actual property) never got to read them.

I never had a teenage daughter, but I had teenage stepdaughters. The ex wife truly hated me. I could tell that the girls were using me to get back at their mother. The very first two words of response here to this question was - teenage angst - so succinct! Describes the teen phase to a tee.

Mothers and daughters do have fraught relationships. But when you’ve grown, daughters do forget a lot of that and carry on with their own life, often times even seeking your help/approval.

There are exceptions where the mother is so cruel to her children, that the mother was an unfit person to begin with. THAT would have lifelong consequences.

You’re not alone, you’ll be fine. Don’t say anything, in time you should get over all this. It’s still fresh for you.
USA Gundy

I hated my mum when was a teenager. She neglected me quite a lot and only seemed to notice me when I did something wrong. But we had a good relationship later on. I’m sure she would have been really upset if I had kept a diary back then and later read it! And for what it’s worth I did keep a diary later on where I wrote about how much I disliked my son’s girlfriend. We grew close after they got married and I completely changed my mind about her. If she read what I had written back then she would be mortified. My point is that it’s the present relationship that counts, not the past.

I destroyed my teenage diaries a couple of years ago - of no historical or family significance and very dull as well. I have kept quite a lot of letters though, because they do conjure up the times in which they were written and may one day interest my grand daughter. Or may not, of course!

Sorry, I don’t really agree. If nobody read old diaries there would be no history!
She was only a teenager and was using the diary to express all her frustration. What’s the nearest, easiest target for her pent up aggression? Mum, of course. It doesn’t mean she didn’t or does not love you.
Actually the diary should be in her possession. Wrap it up in clingfilm so you aren’t tempted to open it again. Next time you see her say you found it in the loft and hand it over without another word.
If she explodes with “have you been reading my diary???” It would be lovely if you were honest and said,” yes, my curiosity got the better of me - besides, if you didn’t want me to read it, why did you leave it in my house? It’s yours, and if you’d like to talk about the things in it one day, I’d be willing to have that conversation.”

By all means read old diaries for historical research (!) but not those of people who are alive!

Sorry you feel devastated but you could've shut it after the first nasty entry, right?

Present her with it: found this in the loft, thought you'd like it. Maybe she'll read it and cringe. Maybe it will help her with her children.

I always said I wouldn’t read my dc diaries as my mum read mine when I was a teenager . Mine was about boys I fancied and my first sexual experiences. I was mortified that she’d read it and 50 years later I can still recall her handing me my diary and calling me names . Luckily we now have a good relationship and I’m her carer .
I was seriously worried about my sons mental health when he was 15/16 and whilst changing his bed found his diary . I made the decision to read it because he had run away from home to a friends house and read that he was in a turmoil regarding his sexuality. I went to the friends house and told my DS I’d read his diary and that I loved him no matter what. This was like a switch in his behaviour and he came out to us when he was 18. He later told me that he wanted me to find the dairy because that was the pivot to being open about his sexuality.
However in your position I’d not say anything to your dd. And as others have said it’s teenage angst. And best forgotten.

Please do not tell your daughter that you read her diary. It remains hers as do the thoughts in it. Take comfort in the fact that every teenager hates their parents and loves drama. Nothing - absolutely nothing good can come from telling her you read her diary. How would you feel if you found out someone had invaded YOUR privacy??

I didn't have a good relationship with my mother because she was brought up by an elderly father (born in Victorian times) and had very narrow ideas about how I should behave. Given I was a teenager in the 60's this was difficult. She did not approve of me and never gave me praise, although she did help me in some ways - for instance she taught me to sew. I was not happy living in my childhood house as a teenager as I never felt I was welcome there. I left home, got married and spent many years not seeing a lot of my parents as we didn't live close to them. However, when they were 80 they moved up to be near us (on the same street in fact) and I then had a different relationship with them because they needed my help. I grew close to my father but could never get through to my mother. She had ill health in her later years (died at 87) . I feel guilty that I didn't make more effort to help her. However, I have two wonderful daughters-in-law and I do have a really good relationship with them both. One of them gave me a huge hug the other day and told me she loved me.