Social query

We have a basket of spa slipper ( very cheap on eBay) and regular visitors use a marker pen to write their name on them for future visits. One visits can take them home!

I've already said what I've planned to do. It will have to be during the actual Christmas break because she has absolutely flung herself into a flurry of new classes and activities. Possibly too many but that's not for me to say. Apart from asking her round to ours there's a possibility of a group of us ladies getting together for a posh afternoon tea. We've done this in the past and are hoping she can fit us in! She's a lovely lady, very artistic and involved in all sorts of classes and clubs some of which she runs.
The input from Grans has been invaluable (as ever!)

Please still ask her round. You can raise a glass to her late husband.
I have a friend who
Had a great social life with her husband and many friends. The invites quickly dried up
When he died and it really hurt her so much

ExaltedWombat please read Aveline's post again in order to understand what she meant regarding her widowed friend. There is absolutely no indication of 'freezing out' her friend. Quite the opposite.

I don’t think for one moment that Aveline suggested ‘freezing’ out her friend. She merely sought advice on how best to handle a sensitive and sad situation from those who know.

'Now I'm on my own, all our friends seem embarrassed to know me and the invitations have completely dried up! What can i do?'

Are you REALLY suggesting you freeze out this friend, just because she's lost her husband?

Very thoughtful of you Aveline to seek the opinion of grans who have sadly been in your friend’s position.
Gransnet teaches us so much about walking in others shoes.
Your friend is lucky to have you.
Enjoy your evening.

When my partner died all his friends said they’d keep in touch. I never even got a Christmas card, haven’t seen or heard from any of them since ! Not a great loss really … but still. Hmm.

yes do invite her so that the continuity is still there. She will be missing her husband very much of course, and facing first time doing things alone is very hard, as I know myself. But the longer you put it off the harder it gets, and so it will do two things. Firstly she is still your friend and is not being ignored or left out, and secondly at least she will have the comfort of facing those hard efforts of going alone for the first time with people she knows care for her. Then later , in the early part of january or february could you think of something that you could do together, in a situation that is not something that was connected with her husband. So it could be something like trying out a new activity , perhaps going swimming together, or to a quiz one evening, or does she enjoy something but rarely did it with her husband? So perhaps you might ask her round to play cards, bridge or whist or anything you can enjoy or a game of dominos, but making the invitation something for you all by saying something like "Oh we are fed up on these dark evenings thought we might play bridge (or whatever) do you fancy joining us? so that it is not seen as a pitying sort of an effort, just a genuine chance to share an evening together. It can be easy to do things over the holiday period and then there is that dark and miserable weather time where we often stay at home and do things and this is when it would be great if you could invite her on her own merit, rather than it being seen as making a special effort because of her circumstances. Keep being a good friend. They are like gold dust. I have a friend that I have known for 76 years now as we met when I was 2. I have lived abroad and done lots of things but always kept in touch and made sure to meet up when I was in England. It has been a great joy to have her in my life and when my husband died the fact that she had known him well meant a lot to me . May you have a happy christmas and may the new year bring you both pleasure in each others company

I was in your friends position last Christmas so please ring her and invite her but give her a few days to think about it before she gives you her answer and let her know that you'd love to see her but totally understand if she doesn't feel up to it this time. If she doesn't come then perhaps you could invite her round a few weeks later and start another tradition.

When my husband died, that was the inky time I was glad he had been an antisocial person. Because we hardly went anywhere in a couple I still had lots of friends and work colleagues to go out with. I would have been so upset to be dropped by people just because I was no longer part if a couple. I think the OP is a very kind considerate person. Well done you.

The worst has already happened to her. Invite her; she could do with the connection, even if she refuses.

AreWeThereYet

It's so nice that you're thinking of her. I would put it to her - she may be grateful to be just with a couple of friends that can talk about her husband with her, or she may not feel up to being sociable. On the other hand she may prefer having something to take her mind off her loss for a short time.

I would just say something like "Can you make it to ours on (whatever date)? We are looking forward to having a nice chat. We were thinking of inviting (so and so) at the same time, but didn't know if you would prefer it to be just the three of us"

Exactly right! I think you've covered all bases here.

Please, please invite her.

Just ask her. If you leave her out, it will surely rub it in that she is not welcome now she's alone.

AreWeThereYet - excellent advice and Aveline good solution. As someone whose husband died in summer 2021, being given the option of going on my own or with a mutual friend would have been exactly what I wanted. Aveline you are a kind and thoughtful friend and I hope your meeting goes well.

Aveline

I've decided to invite her as usual and ask if she thinks X (her neighbour and a mutual friend) would like to come too. Whatever suits her suits me.

Wonderful!

Aveline

I've decided to invite her as usual and ask if she thinks X (her neighbour and a mutual friend) would like to come too. Whatever suits her suits me.

Perfect!

Excellent Aveline 😊

I've decided to invite her as usual and ask if she thinks X (her neighbour and a mutual friend) would like to come too. Whatever suits her suits me.

Ask her round and ask if she would like it if you asked your mutual friend as well.

I must be very lucky in my friends, because when I was widowed, at 41, they all treated me just as they had always done. I was invited to everything, and although I didn’t always want to go, I was glad to have the option.

RosiesMaw

I can’t believe you have to ask!
It would emphasis her bereavement all the more to be “ghosted” by not being included/ invited and believe me, there are many widows on here who will bear out the decline in invitations when they no longer make up an even number.
The “couples” thing should belong in the dark ages of formal dinner parties but all too often doesn’t.
By all means include another friend or two but most of all do not ignore your friend by leaving her out. She needs invitations and company more than ever now.
It would indeed be crass to leave her out and be seen to ignore her.

You have completely misunderstood the OP's very kind and thoughtful intentions.

That would make me feel I wasn't valued for myself but had been invited as my husband's wife, rather than because you wanted to see me! - indeed!!

Yet another new widow saying Invite her!

She may decline the invitation saying she is not up to company right now, or, she might like me, feel it is better to plunge into this new world as soon as possible.

And please don't ask someone else if you have never included others in her and her husband's pre-Christmas visit.

That would make me feel I wasn't valued for myself but had been invited as my husband's wife, rather than because you wanted to see me!