Social query

kwest

An old friend of mine often remarked on how she dreaded Christmas although she was always invited to a nephew's family celebrations. She is quite a bit older than me and some years ago, I was still working at the time , I persuaded my husband that we should invite her to lunch on boxing Day. We were at our son'd house on Christmas Day. We also invited our elderly neighbour , with her approval, as since his wife died he had been lonely. He was a lovely man. So even though we had little free time we spent ages making sure the house looked lovely, we cooked a beautiful three course meal. On the morning of the lunch my friend phoned and said she didn't feel very well and would not be coming. We were disappointed but had a lovely meal with our neighbour. Some weeks later I met a mutual friend who told me that my old friend had told her that she could not be bothered to come to lunch with us on Boxing Day so she phoned and pretended to be ill. Needless to say she has never been invited since and the friendship between us is almost non-existent now. We have not fallen out but I only go to see her if she has an emergency.

Do you think that 'could not be bothered' might have meant she just didn't have the energy to socialise at what can be quite a pressured time of year? It's sad that she didn't feel able to tell you the truth, and also that your friendship has dwindled.

Aveline

My friend told me once when I was round there shortly after her DH had died that she wished people would've more specific about invitations. She said lots of people said, 'You must come for dinner or to see an exhibition or something' but not exactly when. It would've left to her to contact them to arrange it and that was a bit of a thought.
This thread's responses made me think about that too. I'd forgotten it. Might be relevant for others to think about too?

Yes, we have been guilty of that, made worse by Covid lockdowns and a general reluctance to start socialising again.

Must do better.

Caleo read the whole thread.

If you know she has no partner, why not ask her round as before? I imagine she has much same interests as before her husband died.

Be more specific. Must preview before posting.

My friend told me once when I was round there shortly after her DH had died that she wished people would've more specific about invitations. She said lots of people said, 'You must come for dinner or to see an exhibition or something' but not exactly when. It would've left to her to contact them to arrange it and that was a bit of a thought.
This thread's responses made me think about that too. I'd forgotten it. Might be relevant for others to think about too?

An old friend of mine often remarked on how she dreaded Christmas although she was always invited to a nephew's family celebrations. She is quite a bit older than me and some years ago, I was still working at the time , I persuaded my husband that we should invite her to lunch on boxing Day. We were at our son'd house on Christmas Day. We also invited our elderly neighbour , with her approval, as since his wife died he had been lonely. He was a lovely man. So even though we had little free time we spent ages making sure the house looked lovely, we cooked a beautiful three course meal. On the morning of the lunch my friend phoned and said she didn't feel very well and would not be coming. We were disappointed but had a lovely meal with our neighbour. Some weeks later I met a mutual friend who told me that my old friend had told her that she could not be bothered to come to lunch with us on Boxing Day so she phoned and pretended to be ill. Needless to say she has never been invited since and the friendship between us is almost non-existent now. We have not fallen out but I only go to see her if she has an emergency.

Wish I had a friend as kind as you Aveline. 💖

These posts have certainly been food for thought. Thanks Aveline
Celieanne's post is particularly poignant.

When DH died there was a flurry of kind messages but when things settle to a routine, inevitably the majority go back to how it was. There are still 2 of his many friends who include me so I am not complaining and I have a busy life and lovely DC .
However I now suspect that there are others who I have "dropped" since their circumstances have changed, excusing myself by thinking that their families and closer friends will look out for them.

Christmas comes for a reason. Time to reach out.

Aveline, what a good friend you are, and you also have the patience of a saint to have dealt so calmly with the people on here who have jumped in so unfairly to criticise without reading your posts properly. Whatever the outcome, I’m sure your friend will appreciate your thoughtfulness. How sad that not everyone has loyal and caring people like you around them.

Hopefully you do the right thing and hopefully she'll accept or offer and appreciate your kindness.

Celieann86 I hear your lament. All too often these past friends just evaporate out of our lives when confronted with sad and overwhelming situations. It was an emotional read.

But when you said even your children have not thought of you, it just boggles my mind! I don’t understand these things sometimes.

You may appear to your children as a very strong role model with things under control. That might give them an impression opposite of how you feel - and (even adult) kids being kids find the flimsiest excuses for not supporting and participating. Inexcusable.

I think you should just tell them you miss them and want to see them and be a part of their holiday season - and every week or two! Don’t hold back. They need to know the burden you carry.
USA Gundy

By all means extend an invitation. She will let you know if she is up to it. But something tells me she would love to be with you.

Tell her you’d like to invite a mutual friend (one who is totally aware of her situation.) She will tell you if she is up to that. Something tells me she would not want to be alone this Christmas time.

So very kind of you. That’s what friends are for.
USA Gundy

Celieanne86 your post has brought tears to my eyes, I'm so sorry people who ought to know better have abandoned you.

Unfortunately some people seem to think any bad news is catching.
Not in the same league I know, but when my husband lost his job and we were in really dire straits one Christmas we didn't see some "good friends" for dust.
It was huge shock to be dropped so quickly 🙁
I always try not to do the same to other people, whatever the cause of their circumstances.

My DH died last year and for Christmas I was invited to events we had usually attended as a couple plus a few others as I was on my own. Invite your friend, bearing in mind she may not be ready for doing "the usual" Christmas events. If she refuses your invite express your understanding that this year will not be the same for her and you and your husband too.

Well done Aveline even if she decides not to come on this occasion, she knows you are thinking about her.

Just ask what she would prefer,I have two newly widowed friends ,one just wants to stay at home this year...without her daughters .The other is heading of to stay with her only GD for the week .The offer of Christmas with us was made to both ,has to be their choice .

Please please invite her. Although not widowed i was a divorcee on a military camp, the moment we seperated i was treated like i no longer existed, it was so hurtful to be forgotten by people you had spent a lot of time with.

Celienne86, sending love. My husband died within 6 months of a devastating unexpected stage 4 diagnosis. I have A friend whose husband is still at home but we all wonder how long it will be before residential care is needed. Her daughter has been friends with mine since they were 3, they’ry now heading for 40. Of course we have been devastated by our loss but we often remind ourselves of the long, slow, painful loss our friends are living with.
Your post has promoted me to contact her.

I am not a widow or a divorcee but I am in limbo as my beloved DH is in a nursing home with advanced dementia. He was a very successful business man until his illness and we had a wide and varied group of friends and he was respected or so I thought.When he first went in the home he had flowers and chocolates and offers of visits but now two and a half years have passed and he has been totally forgotten and so have I. All these so called friends have disappeared I have not had an invitation from any one and I was very involved with them yea it hurts very much and when I visit DH he asks where I’ve been and who I’ve seen and I lie, even my children have forgotten me. Dear Aveline I feel sure your kindness in asking your friend to join you will be greatly appreciated I wish I had a friend like you ❤️

Aveline - especial thanks for your post at 13.45. That gives us an impression of your friend and how well you know and like her.
I’m another who was newly widowed last Christmas. We had been in a book group together for 25 years. Mr i always did a quiz as part of our very happy Christmas get together. I was persuaded to go by the group members who suggested one of my daughters acted as companion and driver. Many of our book club had known her for all of her 37 years.
It was another of those significant milestones - I even enjoyed myself. It was so good to feel friends had thought carefully about me at such a tough time in this emotional Christmas time

eazybee

It isn't just bereaved wives, it is divorcees too who are suddenly disinvited form social events with people they have known from schooldays.
Very hurtful.

You're so right eazybee and Bluebelle.

A lovely gesture Aveline and invite a mutual friend (or two) just in case someone can't come at the last minute.

I am in the same boat as your friend, having lost my
Husband in July and am the first of all my friends to be widowed. I was recently invited to dinner with his golf friends and their wives as we had done in the past. I found it a bit hard, but was so glad they had still included me. I think inviting her and asking if she would like you to invite others too, or to be just the three of you, is the way to go.

I've already said that of course we're inviting her.

Please ask her and give her the option of attending or not. Even if she decides not to come it will make her feel that she’s still part of your social circle. When DH died eighteen months ago, our neighbour group still included me in invitations to little get togethers. It’s all about feeling wanted.