Always being on call for my elderly neighbour.

Like one of the posters upthread I too have been on assertiveness courses. However that didnt stop me once being roped in as a virtula PA for one needy neighbour (fortunately not an immediate one) when I did her a good turn. She knew I often worked at home and kept popping in for a coffee which lasted hours. In the meantime my work was still undone.

I began by telling her the uni had changed its policies and I was no longer able to work at home. Fortunately she was one of those people who never set foot out of the door once it went dark so she never came in the evening. I also took to ignoring her calls. Eventually she moved to the other side of the city. As I (conveniently) did not drive I was no longer able to "do" for her.

More recently a pushy neighbour tried to rope me in as an emergency phone contact for another neighbour (who has dementia) but I very firmly said no. She even left a note with her phone number on the gate in case I "changed my mind". I left it there to blow away. My nephew went around to her house intending to give her a good telling off but there was no reply. He had retrieved the note so he tore it into pieces and posted it back through her door. Ive not seen her since and I doubt she will be back.

Do you have a male friend or relative who can call around and tell her very forcefully that his aunt is no longer at her beck and call? Often when a third party appears and intervenes it has the desired effect of scaring off the person who is taking advantage.

you have to change your mindset.
she will not become reasonable or considerate, whatever you say.
it's as if you are trying to get her permission to detach from her.
you won't get it and you don't need it.
you just have to start prioritising your own needs and wishes.
don't parley with her.
you can tell her you have been advised to step back.
which is true. we have advised you thus. all of us.
you don't have to tell her who advised you.
keep your own counsel.
repeat, no can do. and detach.
less said the better.

I think the thing to bear in mind is that unless you start to distance yourself, this situation is only going to get worse, with her demands on you increasing.
Just think what she might be like in a year or two. Her dependence on you will inevitably increase, until the point when she could completely dominate your life.
I don’t think that’s any exaggeration.

Everyone on here has got the measure of this woman, and although I can understand why you might be reluctant to cut her off completely, I do think that is what you must do, for the sake of your own well-being.

I think a good many of us have had a 'friendship' such as this. Some people are better at sussing out situations and are able to put up strong boundaries. Others are easily taken advantage of and are spotted as a soft touch.
Having been through something very similar years ago my 'user alert antenna' is now somewhat better! I doubt this neighbour will ever change, I for one would take all of the advice on this thread and withdraw from her starting asap. She could end up making your life wretched.

Another who agrees with putting your case in writing. I’m far more assertive in print than face to face! A friend has been drawn into helping an elderly neighbour, but has now written to both his sons to say she’ll keep an eye on their Father, but will no longer be going over to visit, as he always has a list of things he wants doing. He now has carers 4x daily and 2 visits a day from a diabetic nurse (he’s diabetic not the nurse!).
Tell her that because on your own limitations ( not a direct lie, just a little fib) and the onset of winter you will no longer be able to help her.
I’d enclose a list of tradespeople and contact numbers she might consider using and add that they are those you, yourself, choose to use.

I’m going to be a bit of a devil’s advocate here OP, but you seem to counter most of the suggestions? I think you’ve got to be cruel to be kind (to yourself). Some of us are givers, some are takers.
It may be you have to be ruthless and block her number.

She has probably been like this all her life. She watches you go out ! This is getting serious, tell her in uncertain terms that you can no longer help her - you are 81 and this is not reasonable. I too am a yes person so I recognize how hard it will be to cut her off - but it must be done. She is behaving badly because she can - ensure she is no longer able to manipulate you. You must take care of yourself mentally and physically, situations like this can drain you mentally and physically! Put her in her place, never tell her where or what you intend to do , Keep her in the dark or she will latch on to whatever it is you have planned. Be brave !! I wish you strength and good luck.

Is she a bit demented I mean that seriously. Usually even the pushiest of people eventually take the hint.
Catch her family when they visit and tell them from now on your answer will always be no,you are too old for the responsibility.

She's got a nerve!

I told her this but she thinks the sun shines out of her family and says they will be there for her when needed. I am not going to get involved with that side of things, I have enough to bother about with her depending on me too much, if I stop always being there for her then perhaps she will ask her family. I once asked her why she does not ask her family to do things for her and her answer was, "why should I when I have you," I told her that I won't always be there when she wants me but she just said that I won't be busy every day.

You've been a wonderful neighbour, but are being taken advantage of now.
So a conversation is needed with her or her family. The art of saying no is vital if you are to get back to normal.
Because I'm a keen driver I've been taken advantage of for lifts but have toughened up now and won't do it any more unless there is some very good reason.
Good luck to you. Lots of good advice here from others above.

I have one next door. I feel very guilty every time I have to say no as they are quite a few years older than me. I shopped for them and it was the wrong supermarket and I was left with their shopping.
Gradually everyone has stopped helping them.
Their trees make such a mess on our drive and we had to buy another council bin, they phoned and asked if they could have the first.
We have a gardener and until I warned her next door came round and had her doing more jobs for them than me.
I now just say no to everything.
DH had to phone his insurance from his last job to make sure it was illegal to help in the way they wanted and I think things finally sunk in.
It's really hard to say no when you want to say yes and be neighbourly. I was told practice makes perfect and it actually does get easier.
Like others say keep them at the door if they come around or have the phone in your hand or pretend to be upstairs and not hear the door.
We call ours Mussolini and DH will say disappear Mussolini is coming it makes it easier somehow.

Why don't you copy out or print off what you have posted and the replies from everyone? Post it through her door. Add a foot note asking not to bother you any more.

The phrase I use is ‘that doesn’t work for me’. Then I ignore all questions about why it doesn’t work.

We live happily in a retirement development of bungalows. It’s a supportive community, generally caring in a distant sort of way. The vast majority of folk live their own lives while being ready to help at times of genuine need. Some examples. We’re currently grounded with covid and have been inundated with offers of shopping. When Mr C was in hospital so many offers of lifts. We happily offer lifts should folk not be able to take themselves to important appointments or add to our on line grocery order for those who can’t get out. I also reach things from high shelves for one tiny lady - I’m definitely not tiny!

There are, however, a couple of folk who are the exception to friendly neighbourly rules. They behave in a very similar way to your neighbour. Intrusive and demanding. Having extricated ourselves from one we now simply smile and after saying the stock phrase offer to call their family for them. So far we’ve not been taken up on the suggestion and gradually we’re not being asked.

Hold firm grannyg. It’s not easy and takes nerve but can be done. No need to hide behind the sofa.

From what you say about her family's behaviour when she was in hospital, she's potentially a victim of elder abuse and/or financial abuse

I agree. Age UK has good advice if worried about someone under the heading Protection from Abuse.

From what you say about her family's behaviour when she was in hospital, she's potentially a victim of elder abuse and/or financial abuse.
It might sound drastic but I would seriously advise you to ring your social services adult care team and tell them what has been going on.
Don't soldier on trying to help her, or not, on your own.
Her situation is a bigger problem brewing and I think she needs professional support.

She is not a friend, she is a hanger on and user. That is why she has been alienated by her own family. Her continued harassment can’t be good for you, it must be very stressful, as it is impacting on what you want to do and interfering with your day to day life. You really must tell her and the sooner the better, so you get your life back. 💐

Become deaf and walk quickly!

Thank you both, I totally know what you mean, I would not mind one day a week with her but even then I am like her carer and bank as she is really tight with her money. She once told me that I had more money than her, how does she know I have more money than her, is it because I pay for everything.

I will do what you say, stop answering her calls and make excuses not to meet up. But when passing her house she is a curtain twitcher.

If she were a loving, giving person she would have more friends and a caring family. Maybe she used them the way she uses you.

I was in a similar position and had to cut the lady off completely even though I wouldn’t have minded a weekly outing but this was never enough.

You have to be firm about what you are prepared to do or cut her off completely.

Your neighbour sounds the sort of person who uses everyone without compunction which is probably why her family avoid her. Can you obtain the telephone number of one of them in case there is a real emergency?
For the rest you simply have to say no, and refuse repeatedly as she obviously won't take no for an answer. Don't offer excuses as she will outwit you.
In time she will become more dependent and you simply cannot risk being at her beck and call. Start now.

Thank you all so very much, some great ideas but my problem is that I am a YES person, it is not that I don't like saying NO to anyone it is the fact that I don't want to cause an argument as I cannot do with confrontation.

I know her family never take her out anywhere, never invite her to their homes and they have four of them where each member of the family live so she is not short of places to go (if she was invited). Part of me feels sorry for her and the other part makes me want to pick up the phone and ring her sons and daughters in law and tell them off but I know what they are also like, they are all about themselves. When she was in hospital. All her family went to her home and sorted through her belongings and paperwork. When they left they turned off the central heating so she came home to a freezing cold house in January. I know this because another neighbour came round and told me about it so I went to see if she was okay and she told me that all her private papers were mixed up and her family had turned off the heating. I do feel sorry for her and if I stopped helping her she would have no-one. If I had known she was coming out of hospital that night I would have gone to the hospital and come home with her but I thought her family would be there, unfortunately I have found out what kind of a family they are.

I will leave it until after the Ndw Year then start to cut back on what I do. She does not have a computer etc. so if she wants anything ordering I do it online (I am computer literate), and then she pays me in cash, I don't mind doing that but if there is something she does not like about what she has ordered, I am the one having to organise the return.

I will have to get a backbone and sort things out.

Thank you all again.

And walking quickly!

It's awkward that she sees you when you go out, and she probably looks for you.. I think you have to be very honest with her and tell her that you have your own life and don't wish her to continue using you.. also tell her not to phone any more.. it shouldn't surprise her as she has alienated her own family but she'll probably be very persistant. Just keep saying NO

I asked her what she wanted and she asked me when I could shorten her skirts for her. I played dumb and asked her why she didn't take them to an alterations store but she said that they charge too much for doing it and because she had me I could do them for nothing.

For me this says it all. She is a user, and will never change. You need to learn to say No, this doesn't work for me/cannot do it etc

The phrase you are looking for is..' No, it doesn't suit.'
And if she asks what you mean... 'It doesn't suit ME'.
You don't give a reason ... you just keep repeating... 'It doesn't suit me'.

She is a user.
Perhaps you could block her number on your phone?
If she comes to the gate... you are busy/on the phone... just have it in your hand, wave and turn your back on her.
If she approaches you in the street... you are en route to an appointment... and walk faster!