Unable to fall asleep and I’m so so tired

My sincerest condolonces on your loss.

I am assuming your DH died recently. Mine did too, and like yours, my sleep pattern was shot to pieces, as it indeed had been during his last illness.

Here is what I found helpful.

For the first three-four weeks I went to bed at nine p.m. which for a night-owl like me is the middle of the afternoon normally! But it was when I felt completely exhausted. I slept for three or four hours then woke.

If I couldn't fall asleep again, I got up, popped on some warm clothes (this was in November of this year) went downstairs and did something practical. For the first days, tidying up so the house was presentable for the funeral. Afterwards I sorted through paper for Probate, as I assumed that the thought of this was contributing to my sleeplessness.

When I began to feel tired again, I went back to bed and stayed there, whether I could sleep or not, being convinced that just lying there resting did nearly as much good as sleeping.

This may not work for you, but if you haven't tried it, it might do some good.

Another point, and I hope you don't find it too intrusive or hurtful: are you still sleeping in the bed you and your husband shared?

I am, having considered soberly whether I wanted to or not, and decided that I simply am not ready, and probably never will be to dispose of "our" bed. I have tried to accustom myself to lying in the middle of it, but that hasn't worked. I waken up on "my" side of it all the same.

To me, DH, isn't as far away if I still sleep in our bed, but you may be the opposite and if so - go out and buy yourself a new bed and consider whether you want to use another room as your bedroom as well.

I cut off my long hair that DH had always loved on the evening of the day we buried him, and am now, for the first time since I was seven, I am 72 now, short-haired. It was a deliberate symbolic act to demonstrate to myself that a new chapter of my life had begun and that I have to move forward.

Perhaps you need to consider finding a similar forward-looking symbolic act? But only if you feel it would be liberating.

My husband died on November 1 and was buried on the 8th. It has been a long hard month, as you will know, only too well.

I am still tired by early evening, although my bed-time is moving slightly later, and I am sleeping a bit better, especially after sending Probate all the documents required.

I hope some of my suggestions help. If you need to "talk" send me a private message any time you like. I have found other widows both on Gransnet and amongst friends in the world rather than in cyberspace extremelly helpful, as they know exactly what we are going through, so I hope I can help others, as I am being helped.

I've discovered Just Bee Sleep Time honey and find it helps me. It's a mixture of honey with valerian and lavender. It's available by mail order. In view of the valerian it would be best to check with pharmacist that it’s ok to take if you are on other medication.

I wish i could stay awake. Fall asleep during a meal and never see a whole TV programme.

Yoga Nidra - This is not a yoga but mind, relaxing yoga. You can download it from the Internet. It takes a little bit of practice but you will go off to sleep once you’ve mastered it and not wake up until the following morning. It’s fantastic and drug-free

💐
Magnesium(375mg x1 or 2) helps me get to sleep and also go back to sleep if I wake in the night.

I also have chronic insomnia. It arrived with all symptoms of Fibromyalgia and is very disheartening. You go to bed and try not to get more wound up as the Fibro muscle pain now joined by osteo arthritis pain takes over.

What helps: Magnesium definitely. also Melatonin which I can request from my GP on the NHS. It works best for falling asleep staying asleep is another thing so I take some mild Calm tablets made from herbs.

If the insomnia is determined to win then as others say best to read or listen to a book or music. Never fight it. best to stay relaxed.

having had cancer treatment and then lost my husband my sleep pattern, which was never very good is worse.So firstly I have a pad and pen by the bed, so that if I suddenly remember something I should have done, or have a worrying thought I write it dow , and that lets me know that I wont forget it, but can put it aside until the next morning. Then have always been a very keen reader but if I am very worried about something it keeps resurfacing under the reading. so I count back in 3's from 1000. You have to concentrate and it is not as easy as 2 or 4 . The idea is to count back to 0 and if you forget you have to go back to 1000. It takes enough concentration to block the thoughts you dont want. now I have just started playing chess and also I am learning makaton sign language. Both of those can allow you to revise the lastest things you have learnt and do not need light but you have enough to think of to stop the mind wandering back to the worries .If I feel very wide awake I sort of give in, put the light on and read. I do find the counting in 3's helpful in anxious moments and no one knows you are doing it if you say it silently to yourself!!

I concur that listening to a "gentle" audiobook does the job for me. I listen on Apple books audio, as you don't have to take out a big subscription with Apple, just pay for what you want. In fact I now have several "gentle" audiobooks on my phone, which I rotate. And actually the ones I've heard several times send me off to sleep the quickest! I use the cheapest possible earbuds, just in one ear, not to disturb my husband. Having been a lifelong non-sleeper, I now sleep better than I ever have. I can recommend this.

Serendipity22

Could Night Nurse help at all? 💐

Isn't Night Nurse now considered to contain a dangerous component? I can't buy it here in France and, might be wrong, but I think it has been banned by the EU.

Juliet27

Does magnesium help anyone…or melatonin?

I have taken melatonin for many years and it works wonderfully for me. I started taking it for insomnia during the menopause and have continued taking it every night since then. The only issue is that over time I have needed to increase the dose (because our natural melatonin levels deteriorate with age) and the only country I've found selling effective dosages is the US. So I get it from a US business called iHerb. I live in France now and here it's possible to buy melatonin 1mg, which is a starter level dose, but I'm not sure about the UK. It might be necessary to buy it overseas - but definitely worth it IMO.

I put my phone next to the pillow with BBC Sounds app playing a history podcast - You're Dead to Me or The Rest is History, I find the voices of the male presenters very soporific, and I'm picking up a few interesting facts along the way! I set the Zzzz timer for 30 minutes, and I've always drifted off before it cuts out.

i read, if that doesn't work,i go through a body relaxation.if that doesn't work, i try and stay awake, what they call paradoxical intervention, if that doesn't work ,melatonin.I found if you fight the insomnia thing you can make it worse, I accept that i can have periods of poor sleeping patterns.......

If sleep pillow sprays worked for me I would stockpile them.

I am a chronic insomniac and need something much stronger than a spray or music to put me out.
Hence the reason I’m on prescribed medication.

When my husband died it got worse, so I consulted a hypnotherapist. I can’t remember if it worked as was such a long time ago. But it might be useful for others on here to give it a try.

Bonnybanko
You have a very interesting use of terminology 🤔

Anyway I hope you have been helped by all the kind suggestions offered.

I've found that having an electric blanket on all night (set low) really helps my sleep..also a walk during the day..

Audio books are very helpful, I usually find I’ve missed quite a bit 😴

I listën to a travel book on borrowbox so theres no story to follow and set the timer to go off after 30mins or the rest is politics podcast and do the same. Magnesium helps my husband to get into a deeper sleep .

I found it very hard to get to sleep too after losing my DH. As soon as I laid there in the quiet my mind would start whirring thinking about everything . I started reading my Kindle every night just to take my mind off all the important stuff and found I would start dropping off that way. This did work for quite a few months and meant 3/4 hours sleep before waking at maybe 4am - not ideal but it helped. 18 mths later I have more good nights than bad and don't need to use the Kindle anymore. I hope you soon find a solution that suits you, you need the sleep to get through this dreadful time.

Totally agree and I use my Fitbit mindfulness sleep stories. Never got to the end yet! 45 mins long..If notgot Fitbit use You tube sleep meditations

Some years ago I went to a sleep therapist because my sleep pattern was so bad.
In a nutshell it’s retraining your brain. With insomnia your brain is wired not to go to sleep. It has to be re-wired to sleep.

This article explains it in more detail.

scitechdaily.com/insomnia-how-to-rewire-your-brain-for-sleep/#:~:text=Rather%20than%20put%20pressure%20on,the%20new%20habit%20of%20sleeping.

Another regular insomniac here! yes definitely seem to function on less sleep as age but it is the cursed early morn appointment that really is trouble. I have radio with one earphone and also podcasts. I dont like to have wifi devices incl phone switched on near bed so download a podcast and set timer. Some are more soporific than others! If still awake c 6 am, I get up and have breakfast (toast/tea). That usually works and can get good quality block of hour or two and am good for the day even tho might have had only 5 hours over all.

I find Pukka Sleep tea helps.Try having a cup about two hours before going to bed.

I go to bed around 1-1.30am and just play a game on my phone or read until I'm really tired. This is usually around 2.30. If I'm stressed or worried about anything it could be as late as 4am. Wake between 9 and 11am every day. It's not a great sleep pattern but it works for me. Tried so many times to sleep earlier but just end up awake most of the night so given up now. If I have less than 6 hours sleep I fall sleep on the sofa for a few hours. Been like this since working shifts in my 40s and 50s where the most busy time was between midnight and 2am.
OP find your 'normal' time to feel really tired and stick with it regardless of how late it is. Hth xx

I am so sorry to hear you lost your husband.
All I can tell you is what works for me. I listen to an audiobook on audible through my headphones. I can set it to run for so many minutes. Just helps to focus my thoughts on one thing.

I go to bed around 9.30 but start switching lights off in the lounge c 9pm, one by one every 5 mins or so. I dont do big ceiling lights, just little wall lights and a standing lamp. Switch on electric blanket, change into my night gear and brush teeth etc. Then just read till i feel sleepy and go to bed immediately. Lights off head down and sleep. Sometimes i read a few pages in bed but all lights off and just my kindle back-light on low.
If i wake in the night, get up after 15mins, light level very low again, make a cup of tea with a dig biscuit, wait till i feel sleepy and back into bed. Sometimes 2 or even 3x a night. It's the only method which (usually) works for me and my brain is now convinced too!! Good luck all of you insomniacs..