Am I being selfish?

Hithere

Yes and no

No, you are no selfish for choosing the way you want to say bye to this world

However, funerals are for the living, whatever helps them cope with the loss of the loved one

Yes.

Someone dear to us had arranged for Pure Cremation and it still feels strange that we were not able to say our last farewells although there was a memorial gathering later on.

I think you need to discuss this more with your daughter and found out what she would like to do?

Shelflife

You were only thinking of your daughter and not wanting her to experience what you did at your Mums funeral. It was a very positive move to speak to your daughter, so now you know how she feels ( and it was worrying about her feelings that prompted you to think of a direct funeral) However .......you now know her feelings and if I were in your shoes I would re think my plan . Your choice of course , but I am sure that after you have gone you want your daughter to manage her grief with as
little pain as is possible. I would definitely change my plan . Good luck !

Thank you for understanding what I was trying to do . I personally would like a church service followed by the crematorium but I truly suggested it for my daughter's sake and she is an agnostic and thinks church services are gobbly gook! So I honestly thought I was helping her .

NotSpaghetti

Yes. This may be what you would have liked to do when your mum died.

I would have found it unbelievably difficult if that was what my mum had insisted on! Her funeral was deeply cathartic and healing.

Have you asked your daughter what she thinks would help her when you have died?

That is so not what I wanted or had for my darling mother in any respect.

Whiff

Gangan I said to my daughter 2 years ago about just have a cremation no funeral and I would pay for it now. She said no I want a funeral for you mom . I said I will pay for it now. She said no it will be my responsibility when you die and you are not allowed to die for 20 years as I want you to see the boys grow.

So I am letting her have her own way. And to be honest it made me very proud of her that she wanted to do that for me. So let your daughter do want she wants it will make her happy.

My son estranged in 2020 and thought I would save my daughter the responsibility. But she wants it her way . My son will never know when I die anyway .

My husband died 20 years ago next month aged 47 our daughter was 20 and son 16. I was 45. We are atheists so had a non religious funeral at the crem . No wake as I we hated them. No flowers either waste of money but said donations if anyone wanted to give we raised over £5,000 for the cancer ward that treated my husband. There where over 100 people at my husband's funeral and they came from all over the country .

He made me laugh at his last Christmas he said don't burn me in my Jeff Banks suit it cost £350 in the 90's. We picked out a pair of his y fronts, trousers, my favourite shirt of his and Homer Simpson socks.

Went in to a Franz Ferdinand song, Damien Rice for the lowering of the coffin and Mr Blue Sky by ELO on the way out which was ironic as it was pouring with rain.

My husband hated queuing and the funeral ahead of us over ran and I said he would hate this and the kids and me laughed. I am very glad we didn't cry during the funeral as there where so many people to thank for coming.

You thought like I did to save your daughter the worry. But like my daughter she wants it . Be very proud she does.

I am so very proud of my girl in everything she does and adore her with every bone in my body ❤️ I raised her by myself from a fairly young age due to her father finding pastures new and I know I have always tried to protect from pain and heart ache . I think as a parent that's fairly normal. Thank you for understanding my reasons but you are right, it is up to her .

Loosing my husband was hard, but if I hadn't had his funeral to arrange and a beautiful Mass said, then I would have been even more devasted.

You were trying to make things easier for your daughter, and thankfully you told her what you had in mind and why.

If you go ahead with your plans, I am sadly afraid you will make a dificult time even harder for her.

I had much loved aunts and uncles whose funerals I did not attend, and subsequently found it very hard to accept that they were dead.

Talk this over with your daughter again in a while , and see if you cannot find a compromise that will suit you and her.

@Doodle yes I will have the conversation with her again definitely. Its very difficult when someone refuses to take part in that discussion though. It was the same when I wrote my will , she was cross with me for trying to give her a copy and telling her the details. I eventually gave it to her husband to keep, bless him . I totally understand her emotions but I do believe it is a talk everyone should have beforehand.

I wouldn’t want a church service followed by one at the crematorium. That really does prolong the agony. Basic church service followed by burial in the churchyard for me. If you are religious but want to be cremated you could have a service at the crematorium as my father did. Not for me though.

@17NotSpaghetti this wasn't what I arranged for my mother's funeral at all . There was a full church service followed by the crematorium and a wake at a local hotel . There were possibly over 300 people there and they whole day went well if you can describe a funeral as that. I found the church service very comforting as I am fairly religious. Unfortunately my daughter and her husband are total agnostics so I doubt it would bring them any comfort.Also due to various factors I suspect there would only be a handful of people at mine. All I am trying to do is to save her the pain of a grey bleak crematorium.

Without hurting Gangan I personally couldn't do this to my family. For me a funeral is not only to do the obvious but to allow family and friends to say 'goodbye' at whatever pace they can manage.Not allowing this to happen I think would be much harder on them and I don't understand why you want to do that to your daughter is beyond me, sorry. I think it's being quite selfish and not surprised your daughter has taken it so badly.

I have made a plan for a very simple funeral so that nobody has to worry about what I want. It’s rather the opposite of your wishes WonderfulLife as I don’t want anyone viewing my corpse and the Lord won’t worry about my appearance I’m sure (though hopefully I will still have all my teeth!).

I know what you mean, when I made out a DNR (do not resuscitate form with the GP, (now on all hospital files), our sons were really mad at me. I told them that if I got an incurable illness that would mean total care by nurses, I would just want to be looked after and given palliative care so I could die in peace.

I have though, left letters in my will telling them what music to play at my funeral (all 60's music), which flowers to get and told them to ensure my nails were done, my hair done and my teeth in and I was fully made up. I want a good send off. At my age, in her 80's, there won't be many people there anyway as many of my friends have popped their clogs and I will be honest, dying does not bother me as I will be once again with my wonderful late husband of 50 years

Spiral cucumber is always nice in a G & T.

Not sure where spiral came from….

Always having had to watch the pennies I hate the idea of paying thousands of hard earned money on my funeral.
I woukd definitely want the cheapest coffin (cardboard?).
and will tell my dds to go out for a walk somewhere I love which would probably be the coast, have a meal somewhere nice and a large well iced g and t - or two - spiral to toast goodbye.
Would rather like a memorial bench with a view overlooking the sea or the hills.though. Now I am getting older I am always grateful to those who have benches along the proms and always say hello and thanks to those commemorated.
How does one bring this up though, maybe better now than later.
Obviously I won’t be there so it will be up to them if they want something different.

Now you have broached the subject and each knows how the other feels, I think you could revisit the subject and reach a compromise.
Funerals are definitely for the living.
My husband left no instructions except that he wanted to be buried, and not back in the town where his parents and grandparents were buried. I had said I wanted a green burial for myself, so in the absence of any instructions, this is what we had. It was beautiful but just for family. Later we had a memorial service in church to which many people came. It certainly helped me doing it this way.
Doing all the planning and preparation was very important for me. You need to take your daughter’s feelings into account.

A funeral is surely for those left behind.
Though having said that, I didn’t give it much thought until we attended a funeral the other day, a non religious one (except for the Lord’s Prayer right at the end) with a ‘celebrant’ who honestly made me cringe - both his appearance and the way he spoke (and I don’t mean his accent).

I’m not religious but I said to dh, Don’t you ever arrange a funeral like that for me! Give me a good old C of E vicar and a couple of nice hymns any day!
But of course they’ll do whatever they want - I won’t know or care.

One thing I really would like, though, is for them to play a really beautiful recording of Panis Angelicus, solo by niece (a very pure and sweet soprano) with her school choir. We played it at my mother’s funeral, too. It beats any version I’ve ever heard on Classic FM.

No, you were not being selfish. What surprised me in your post was that your daughter was 'devastated'. I find it hard to imagine what there is in your idea that would devastate anyone. She can, after all, do what she likes by way of remembering you and your life.

I have told my family and written in my will that I have let them make the decision after I die . I won’t be there and have no belief in an afterlife so it won’t matter to me but it maybe important to them. My DH had a lovely non religious cremation ceremony with all family and friends there to say goodbye. Leave it to the people left behind.

I don't think you're being selfish but as others have stated, now that you know how your daughter feels it might be a good idea to discuss a compromise with her. A cremation along with a ceremony/celebration of life might be something. My own lovely mother passed two years ago today. I miss her every day and get comfort from knowing what a lovely send off she had. It wasn't fancy but many came on that cold day to pay tribute. We played the music she'd requested including Frank Sinatra's "My Way." We had a photo board and video with pictures of her through the years. Some of the grandchildren gave lovely eulogies. Then we all gathered at a local pub for a festive meal. I shed tears this morning missing her and knowing just two years ago today I felt her warm, soft hands in my own and kissed her cheek for the last time. But now, your post has brought to mind the joyful celebration of her life her loved ones were able to make happen and that thought makes me quite happy. She'd have loved it!

Funerals are for the living and to some extent bring (awful word) closure. A chance to say goodbye. Your daughter doesn’t want a ‘pure cremation’ for you. Nor would I want that for a loved one. You may wish you could have done that for your mother but it isn’t what your daughter wants so yes, you are being selfish. The cost of a funeral doesn’t have to be ‘atrocious’. It can be a very simple affair.

However, funerals are for the living, whatever helps them cope with the loss of a loved one spot on Hithere.

That's what our vicar told me when I was planning my mum's funeral. She wasn't religious and for her husband, my step dad, she had a humanist service. It was lovely, but because of my faith it was important for me for there to be some religious content.

I casually told our son of my wishes the same as yours and he was really irritated and cross with me. I think just talking of death alone upset him at the time I haven’t mentioned the subject since.

You were only thinking of your daughter and not wanting her to experience what you did at your Mums funeral. It was a very positive move to speak to your daughter, so now you know how she feels ( and it was worrying about her feelings that prompted you to think of a direct funeral) However .......you now know her feelings and if I were in your shoes I would re think my plan . Your choice of course , but I am sure that after you have gone you want your daughter to manage her grief with as
little pain as is possible. I would definitely change my plan . Good luck !

Gangan I said to my daughter 2 years ago about just have a cremation no funeral and I would pay for it now. She said no I want a funeral for you mom . I said I will pay for it now. She said no it will be my responsibility when you die and you are not allowed to die for 20 years as I want you to see the boys grow.

So I am letting her have her own way. And to be honest it made me very proud of her that she wanted to do that for me. So let your daughter do want she wants it will make her happy.

My son estranged in 2020 and thought I would save my daughter the responsibility. But she wants it her way . My son will never know when I die anyway .

My husband died 20 years ago next month aged 47 our daughter was 20 and son 16. I was 45. We are atheists so had a non religious funeral at the crem . No wake as I we hated them. No flowers either waste of money but said donations if anyone wanted to give we raised over £5,000 for the cancer ward that treated my husband. There where over 100 people at my husband's funeral and they came from all over the country .

He made me laugh at his last Christmas he said don't burn me in my Jeff Banks suit it cost £350 in the 90's. We picked out a pair of his y fronts, trousers, my favourite shirt of his and Homer Simpson socks.

Went in to a Franz Ferdinand song, Damien Rice for the lowering of the coffin and Mr Blue Sky by ELO on the way out which was ironic as it was pouring with rain.

My husband hated queuing and the funeral ahead of us over ran and I said he would hate this and the kids and me laughed. I am very glad we didn't cry during the funeral as there where so many people to thank for coming.

You thought like I did to save your daughter the worry. But like my daughter she wants it . Be very proud she does.

Yes and no

No, you are no selfish for choosing the way you want to say bye to this world

However, funerals are for the living, whatever helps them cope with the loss of the loved one