A new inquiry re ex-DIL re holidays and honesty

Nanamar I think many of us thought you were all 3 contributing to the house. I'm sure I read that somehow..
I had no idea that you were financing the other two and the child..

If they are not contributing then if the mum moves out with your grandchild I suppose it will actually be cheaper for you and maybe allow you to keep the property.

When they all have been primarily living on my dime for the past three years...

Get your son to get some legal advice , so he at least knows his rights in relation to custody. While things have been friendly till now (and hopefully into the future) things are going to change .
Never ask child where he wants to live - what a awful choice for a child who loves both his parents.

pascal30 while I feel I’m being a bit lectured to I understand all of your points and it is good and sound advice. When they all have been primarily living on my dime for the past three years and when we’ve been functioning as a unit of three adults and one child it is a little harder to step away, but the $$ I’ve spent has never had strings attached in my mind. This whole idea may have been a mistake from the beginning but it was financially necessary

No one will move on with the current arrangement.
Allow your DIL to take the lead, it is amazing she has tolerated the living arrangements for so long.
I think if you can all move on the situation will become easier.

I would get a proper legal arrangement for custody and access. I imagine your exDL is thinking of having another relationship in the future and then you would need to deal with another male figure in your GS's life.. Just be open and honest with your GS.. It is not normal to expect to spend family time together if your DIL wants to rebuild her life. and there is no reason why you need to be making decisions on your sons behalf.. I think you are much too over involved in their lives and should step back

Germanshepherdsmum

It really doesn’t seem normal for divorced couples to be spending their holidays together. They have just been postponing the time when reality hits for their child. That time does, unfortunately, have to come.

This is exactly what I was going to post

I am not divorced but don't believe having "divorced family Christmas" for example is at all a good idea and I'd go as far as to say that it sounds unreasonable once the households are split.

I think she has been very tolerant so far as she is still in such close proximity to your son (and you).

I think if the stumbling block for your son is "shared Christmas " as a mother I'd be wanting to explain to him how unlikely and unusual that would be so that he doesn't focus on such a thing and stress himself out about it.

Good luck

So what does the boy usually do over the weekend? Nothing?

It really doesn’t seem normal for divorced couples to be spending their holidays together. They have just been postponing the time when reality hits for their child. That time does, unfortunately, have to come.

Well, he could always make himself busy on that day, then it isn't a lie.

The thing is that the divorce has been amicable all along. They’ve been divorced since 2020 and when DH passed in 2021 we three adults made an active decision to buy one home with a separate dwelling for either ex-DIL or DS and it ended up making more sense for her to reside in the addition especially since she works from home. Nor do they argue now. The biggest disagreement seems to be their difference in how holidays or trips should be conducted. And this shift in her thinking is, as I have said, only recently shared though she’s likely been thinking of it for awhile. I agree it’s not right to ask DGS- way too young and inappropriate. I just meant that he’d probably like us all together as we have been doing all this time but divorce brings huge changes. This one just postponed a lot of them. I don’t know why this is a big issue with DS but I think it sticks in his craw to do what he considers lie to his son.

Very sound advice MissA.

I don't think its sensible to imagine what might happen, and what your daughter in law may or may not do in the future.
Best to deal with any situations as and if they arise

I also think your daughter in law is right to start loosening the ties that come with being part of a couple.

The fact that they are getting divorced means that it seems entirely right that the mum should move out and, given the child's age, that he should go with her. At present it seems as if he spends a reasonable amount of time both with her alone and with you and/or his dad. I realise that you are understandably on your son's 'side', but I can't honestly see that the mum is doing anything wrong. Yes, you are doubting her motive in keeping her son in her 'quarters', but surely if you weren't all living in one building, that would be the case anyway. Also, if she were to write into GN, couldn't she make the same deduction - i.e. that you were keeping her son to yourself when he spends time with you or his dad. My suggestion is that you should do as your ex-DIL has said and leave things to her and your son.

I don't think it's healthy to expect to do 'family' occasions once separated. It will confuse your dgs. It might be different if the separation was very amicable but this doesn't sound like that. It seems that your son has opted out of parenting at the weekend so I don't blame your exdil for doing her own thing. I appreciate he isn't well, but you make a lot of excuses for him. There's a lot of "my son believes she will" when actually nothing has been said or discussed between them. My advice would be to tell your son that you are keeping out of it.

Oh and yes your DIL may well dictate things when the child is small, but children grow up and things can change. It does mean your DS will have to stick at things though. It is a very difficult time and his health problems will make things harder for him. I hope he manages to cope with everything.

I think the OP is in the USA -I suppose it’s different there. Over here, I don’t think they ask the child’s opinion. I think it’s unfair to put the child in that position.

Sorry but your son just has to keep quiet and let things proceed. It isn't fair to inflict on a child anything which creates conflict for them between their parents. And yes your DIL may be doing exactly that, but that doesn't make it right. My divorce many years ago was entirely my exes fault, but I didn't tell my kids that. My DS was in a similar position to yours, but he has never told the children it was all their mum's doing. Children may work things out when they get older but it should never come from their parent. It's hard enough for them to accept that the people who love them most don't love each other, attributing blame just makes things harder.

It would be very unfair to ask your GS who he wants to live with, he is of an age when his mother would probably get custody and he is unlikely to be asked his opinion in court.

I think that your son definitely should ‘lawyer up’ or at least have a chat to a lawyer to see where he stands with custody if your DIL moves away.

Sorry for typo I meant easily swayed by his mum.