WhatsApp group communication

Oh Emelie321that is so hard. Some just cannot deal with bad news is all I can say. Just how they are, probably not a personal thing against you. Hope you can stay cheerful in the face of this and not lose your friendships.

I have several WhatsApp groups but when I wanted to tell a particular group of friends recently about something more personal and scary I wrote to one and copied and pasted to the others, one by one. I wrote something like "just wanted you to know that ... xxx ". This way was easier for me and keept personal things separate from "group" ones. It also meant that I got fuller and more personal replies.

Maybe this is a way to say things in future?

Firstly, my sympathies on your SIL’s illness, Emilie.

The friend with memory problems has possibly not fully understood your message, so I wouldn’t be upset with her. The other one is a different matter imho. Though you say it’s not like her, she seems very insensitive. I wouldn’t blame WhatsApp for this - in my experience people behave no differently on there than they do in person. So yes, I’d still use the group chat for passing on whatever news you have, if this is easier for you. But I’m afraid I’d be looking at this particular friend in a different light.

I’m sorry you are going through this, Emelie. I think that a lot of people can be a bit hopeless with what are, to them, new-fangled communication methods, and this might explain what seems like your friends’ tactlessness.

One solution might be to set up a separate group for your updates on your SIL? You could explain that this is intended to keep the original group more social.

I think, however kind and sympathetic others are, everyone has their own lives to lead and in a group communication, people will share what is uppermost in their lives, be it sadness or cheerfulness. I belong to an email group and each month we each contribute. Sympathy for someone’s loss or sadness is followed by good news of some sort. It is natural. Life is a mixture. What is overwhelming to one person is a momentary sadness to another. Sorry if this sounds unfeeling. I speak from experience. I am cheered by good news even if it is superseded by my own problems.

That's sad for you Emelie321. I have had something similar happen this week so I understand how you feel. All I can do is try and put it out of my mind. Hope you can as well and steer clear of the group for the time being. Maybe she had a rethink as well, but too late.

Emelie321

Firstly, I’m so so sorry and saddened about your situation and hope you find the strength to get through all of this.

Secondly, please don’t be upset by insensitive friends, I’m sure they didn’t mean it.

I wish you well

Cabbie21

I think, however kind and sympathetic others are, everyone has their own lives to lead and in a group communication, people will share what is uppermost in their lives, be it sadness or cheerfulness. I belong to an email group and each month we each contribute. Sympathy for someone’s loss or sadness is followed by good news of some sort. It is natural. Life is a mixture. What is overwhelming to one person is a momentary sadness to another. Sorry if this sounds unfeeling. I speak from experience. I am cheered by good news even if it is superseded by my own problems.

I completely agree and don’t think you sound insensitive at all.

Some people when receiving sad news change the subject, either they cannot cope with it or they think it benefits the person giving the news.

With the devastation that is happening in your family this is really not that important, you are already focusing on telling the Whattsapp group about the death.

The Whattsapp group are not important , supportive friends will be.Try to live in the moment.

Thank you all for your sympathetic and helpful comments, which are helping me get things into proportion.Cabbie21, I can see you are right in many ways - though I believe if our WhatsApp messages had been exchanged via email ( as indeed was our preferred method at the beginning) our news items would have been longer and more balanced
Thank you, HelterSkelter1 and Maggiemaybe for your empathy and nanna8 for your wise words.Indeed all,of you have enabled me to cope better with my feelings and present difficulties; it would have been so easy to overreact and damage friendships going back a long way - and which have been supportive in the past.I probably do overthink things.Living in the moment is not something I find easy to do just now - but I will make an effort!

You feel her good news should have been separated from your sad news? Perhaps in a separate message, or should a ‘decent interval’ have been left? I understand that. But she meant no disrespect by structuring her message that way.
I don’t know the details of your illness. But why does your SIL’s situation mean you have to put your life ‘on hold’ for a year?

...that is one of the reasons I do not use group chats much, except here and a couple of other paces. Some people are clueless, and so it does not even occur to them to hold the good news, or start a new thread. Hugs.

It is really hard to accept that life goes on for others when we are living a nightmare. I have been there several times, and just want the world to stop, sadly it does not.
Personally I would never use What's App for such personal information nor any other group message, I do think that is very much one to one information to be shared face to face and only with ones closest friend as things develop.

I am so sorry for your sadness, but totally agree you should try to live in the now.

I have to add that I would be gutted if my family shared my medical situation with their friends, particularly in a group message. It is as far as I am concerned not their story to tell, I will share it myself when I am ready and with whom I wish. What does your family think about you spreading their unfortunate circumstances to everyone?

I too am so sorry to hear your sad news, Emelie.

Unfortunately, many of those you know will react as these insensitive friends have done. People just do not know how to deal with serious and terminal illness or bereavement.

I lost my husband last November after what mercifully proved to be a very short time from the original diagnosis and I have been on the receiving end of the kind of reactions you mention.

Try to ignore them and regard them as the unthinking reactions of those who have not yet been in your place.

Gransnet and especially the Bereavement thread is a good place for letting off steam when you are ready to blow your top or dissolve in tears due to somebody's crass and unkind comments. Those who contribute are or have been through what you are coping with now.

I hope you get as much support there as I did and I feel sure you will.

PM me if you think it will help.

win, it is only a small group; we have all known and trusted each other for half a century; and sharing face to face is difficult as we now live hundreds of miles apart in different directions,
and only meet once a year Since Covid and the onset of mobility problems for several, not as often.
My SIL's illness is of long standing,and there is no one who does not already know about it in our circle of family and friends.Because of good treatment it has only recently been diagnosed as terminal.
But I think next time I will pick up the phone to one of the group to impart any personal info I am happy to share, and rely on this to be spread to the others in a similar way..

Thank you, grandetanteJE65, that was a very kind and helpful post, and I very much appreciate your suggestion. Will take time to consider doing this

One of my neighbours has recently posted on our local group to let us know that she has cancer, a brave thing to do but it saves her telling people individually which I'm guessing would be hard.

Emelie321

win, it is only a small group; we have all known and trusted each other for half a century; and sharing face to face is difficult as we now live hundreds of miles apart in different directions,
and only meet once a year Since Covid and the onset of mobility problems for several, not as often.
My SIL's illness is of long standing,and there is no one who does not already know about it in our circle of family and friends.Because of good treatment it has only recently been diagnosed as terminal.
But I think next time I will pick up the phone to one of the group to impart any personal info I am happy to share, and rely on this to be spread to the others in a similar way..

I think you will find that will work much better and hopefully be much easier for yourself too.
I lost my partner to cancer in October and I too have been at the end of difficult comments, people do not mean to be unkind, they just don't know how to deal with such sadness and quickly change the subject. Some even say what a relief it must have been or oh well he had a good life and others much worse.
I do hope you all find the strength to get through this very difficult time ahead and that you eventually feel comfortable and strong enough to join your group of friends again

Even our little WhatsApp group, just me and my 4 adult children, can appear insensitive at times.
Yesterday I posted a link to an old friend's obituary and it was followed by an unrelated jokey video off the internet from one of my DS.

I video call them individually about once a week which I find more satisfactory.

You see, I have already forgotten to give you my condolences for your sad news.
I am sorry.

I am having a difficult time due to my DHs health and being in a nursing home.

I have found that the few aquaintances I have just seem to delight in telling me about their wonderful lives and do not even ask after DH or me.

I have made a point of not boring anyone stiff with any medical information and only say no change or the situation is the same if they bother to ask.

I do not really have any close friends and no relatives.

I am sorry for your sad situation,FindingNemo15.Your post struck a chord.I am thinking now about the saying' Friendship is based upon shared weaknesses'.

Was it easier to build and maintain human relationships in a slower, less technological world where we weren't all having to whizz around for the latest, often expensive, experiences in order to 'make memories' before the light closes in? Is the doing and the having more important now than being - as in being a good friend?Recognising each other's pain even when we can do little about
it?
I never chose to join Facebook as I always felt it was too 'showy- offy'. I knew both from my paid work at the time as well as volunteering over the years for various organisations that a great many people do not lead happy and fulfilling lives - for the most part through no fault of their own.They did not need to be made to feel even more inferior..

Your acquaintances sound very insensitive,too.

I don't know how difficult it might be from the nursing home to find other people who share any particular interests you might have and might still pursue? During my own illness I have had kind friends take me to see the sort of films we both enjoy.And another who, in spite of her own busy and stressful life, has spared the time to travel over and play a board game of which we are both fans...But other people on this thread might have better ideas...
I do hope things improve for you

Emelie321 thank you for your kind words.

Unfortunately a lot of the residents in my DHs nursing home have dementia and a lot do not have any visitors which is so sad.

I have looked into various groups, but they all seem very established and women often pair off making it a closed book.

I lived in a village where it is also very cliquey and isolating. I made the mistake of initially joining a tea club where a lot of the members could be my mother, do not go out, do not seem to want visitors and others cannot drive so I could feel used for my car.

I can honestly say I have never felt so alone and lonely, dealing with everything and knowing I need to move which is another big step.