Retired but not retired.

I am sorry to hear how low you are MaeMae.

Many of on here have helped/ help look after our grandchildren.

We looked after our granddaughter three days a week, until she started school. Now we only are needed occasionally, as DIL fits work around caring for her.

We are currently looking after our other granddaughter only one day a fortnight, due to my failing health. DS and DIL made the decision to put her in a nursery, despite us offering to do more. They are very caring.

Mae Mae, I think you need to speak to your son and DIL and explain how you feel. It won't be easy, but if you continue like this, you may be too unwell to help at all. You certainly aren't well enough to look after another baby.

However, I am confused, if they are divorced, why is there another baby coming or I have I misread that?
You need to look after your own mental and physical wellbeing.

Yes. However, my involvement wasn't as full on as yours seems to be. I'm now busy doing other things as, sadly, I'm just not needed much any more. The DGSs have grown up and are fully involved at school and sports (as they should be). The ACs have their own busy lives.
I suppose my thoughts for you is that this phase will pass but sounds like that won't be for quite a while.
Of course you could, occasionally, just say no.

I would suggest that you say no to the new baby. I'm assuming it's the other adult child's baby - but have you been asked to look after this one?

If so you must say no I think. Say you are too exhausted already. Tell them you feel weepy and just as you have told us. Don't make excuses for saying no. Say you feel you can't do it anymore ...and maybe look at reducing your childcare with the other 2?

Does the university have childcare for example?

You are already burning out.

Thinking of you

Hi MaeMea, I'm so sorry your feeling down and I imagine your feeling exhausted too?
One thing I have finally come to understand with my own body is when I am physically tired my mental health suffers.
I'm in my late 60's and work in the early childhood sector, I am now working in an on call casual capacity and love my job.
I also have 3 grandchildren who I care for occasionally and I find it's important that I don't take shifts if I have babysitting duties on the horizon. As you say your days off are spent in recovery, it is both physically and mentally taxing looking after children.
I think you need to speak to your son about your feelings, and needs, explain that you want to be around in the long term and don't want to burn out.
Your efforts to this point are commendable, he should understand and appreciate the enormous effort and contribution you make.
Good luck and best wishes.

You sound exhausted and definitely need a break. I did this for my son's only child when his relationship broke down. My almost full-time help enabled him to earn an income to maintain his son. This was a while ago and I wasn't arthritic as I am now.

Then I looked after my granddaughter from my other son's family for several days a week to enable the mum to work part-time. This was from a baby to school age. Eventually I had to stop because I became unwell. I was gutted at letting them down but amazingly my ex-husband and his partner stepped in, a solution I wouldn't have dreamt of. This is going to sound awful but if you were suddenly not around they would have to find a solution. There are two parents who you need to be honest with and see what they can come up with to give you some freedom. I wish you well, it tugs at the heartstrings, I know only too well.

I do think you need to set some rules.

I did this. I limited the number of days I could do, and also said that regular care would be one child at a time. Of course there were times when I had more than one child in my care, but not as a regular arrangement.

It has worked out fine. My DDs all understood the need for me to set some limits (my health not great and ill late OH). They have never expressed any resentment of these limits and have on the contrary been very grateful for the help and said so.

You have done so much and your AC have come to rely on you. It is time to tell them how you are feeling and for them to recognise that you are getting older and can no longer do everything you might wish. Until ageing creeps up on us, it is hard to realise how we do slow down.

Time for a conversation with them - it is already making you depressed. That is far from ideal and is not what they would wish.

I echo everyone’s sentiments.

Sit down with your children and work out a plan for childcare which works for you.

You’re their Grandmother, not an unpainted childminder

First and foremost you must say no to childcare for the new baby. If the parents had no other plan for childcare except you, they had no business having a baby.

With regards to the other children, if your health collapses then rest assured the parents will find a way through. There is no doubt of that. You are the easy and unpaid option. Tell them you can no longer cope and give them time to make alternative plans, which they will have to do sooner or later anyway.

Some great advice here. Universities provide childcare, although the cost I don't know. I guess it depends on the uni.

You are entitled to your own life. Working a full time job would be easier than this!

Maybe tell your kids you are going back to work for a rest!

So many other grans in your situation though- it is hard to speak up but you must.

As others have suggested start to call your own shots. They clearly need you so use that power to get the life you want.

Cossy

I echo everyone’s sentiments.

Sit down with your children and work out a plan for childcare which works for you.

You’re their Grandmother, not an unpainted childminder

Unpaid! Not unpainted

Why can’t you say no to childcare? There is nothing wrong with saying that you are too tired to do this anymore.

If they couldn’t afford childcare then it was not the right time to study at night, a second job would have been a better idea.

Theexwife

Why can’t you say no to childcare? There is nothing wrong with saying that you are too tired to do this anymore.

If they couldn’t afford childcare then it was not the right time to study at night, a second job would have been a better idea.

In my thirties I went to Uni as a mature student and came out with a very good degree. I continued to work nights as a nurse in the holidays and at weekends. I had two school-age kids at the time and employed a child minder to take them and collect them from school when I couldn't. My husband was supportive but he also worked full-time. In school holidays when Uni was still open my kids went to holiday play schemes provided by Uni. They made friends there they still know now. Through one of those my son met his future wife!

In all those years I never asked my mum (my dad was no longer with us) or my in-laws, to care for my children.

Going to Uni was my choice. I got through it. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Its not selfish for grandparents to step back from child care when their own health no longer permits it. This includes mental as well as physical health. You need to have that difficult conversation with your adult children that you have done your share and need a bit of "me" time.

You are not raising your grandchildren - you are babysitting them - huge difference

Please set limits to this agreement. Say no and take your life back

sounds like she is raising them if it is a joint custody agreement and she is having them 3 days a week, 12 hours a day tbh but yes to setting boundaries and saying no

why is there another baby on the way though?

You are sacrificing yourself for the sake of your son and his ex wife. The children are their responsibilty, not yours. I appreciate that you need to look after your GCs but you need to look after yourself first and foremost.

No doubt you made sacrifices when your own children were young and did your very best for them. It is now time that your GCs parents took more charge.

I’m probably not going to word this well, but hope you get the gist.

It will be a relief for you when the elder child starts school - you’ll still have the younger and I take it you’ll be doing the school pick up? I know you’re not in the UK(?) so are there breakfast and afterschool clubs where you are? Would you be able to help your son financially, so the other child could have a day at a Nursery/Daycare Facility?

My concern is how to deal with the arrival of the new baby and whether you’ll be asked to help out with him or her as often.

I don’t do much childcare these days for my DDs, but I was always careful in splitting my time fairly evenly - still am. Not easy as DGS1 was 4 and we had him most weekends, before DGS2 came along, by which time DH had died and I was 4 years older! However, despite being 73, I consider it a privilege and pleasure to help out and will re-arrange my commitments to fit them in, if I can.

A friend minds her DS1’s dog 5 days a week while he’s at work (long story) but is under pressure to have her other son’s dog at times and this has caused considerable friction between her and her DS2, as she says it can’t be done, except in an emergency. Her DS2 often gets digs in about how much she does to help her other son and there is now some resentment between them.

I think you are going to have to have a difficult conversation with your son, that even though you are only 60, your own employment and health is going to have to put limitations on what you can do. I’m sure both your sons would want a happy, healthy Grandma who has time and energy to play with her grandchildren, rather than a knackered women worn out by caring for their ‘babes’.

If you continue with this amount of stress and exhaustion you will inevitably become ill.. Please tell both your children what you have told us.. and that you deserve a life...

I appreciate your kind a suggestions, thoughts and sharing your own experiences. Thank you. I love and enjoy my grand children. I am helping to raise them not just watching. The new baby is from a different mother/girlfriend and she has custody, my son only has visits at this time. It’s hard to give you the full picture. I’ll just say this. We have spoken with our son and I have written to him also about how I feel more than once. I drew some boundaries for the weekends when he’s off work. We’re not fortunate enough to pay for care. Our university has a pre-K program. It runs for university employees and the rest have to enter a lottery. It’s connected to the city school district. We don’t live inside of the district so no enrollment there. I was feeling low and exhausted when I posted. In a couple of years our son won’t need my care giving as much. I will probably pick them up after school.
The arrangement is to have them every other week when school starts in August. We get to have them every three days for now.
Thank you grandmothers who took time to reply with kindness and support.

I was feeling low and exhausted when I posted.

Yes, no shame in that! You are doing a lot.

Please look after yourself. As they say in the safety talk on aircraft "put your own oxygen mask on first".

Good luck.

We retired 8 years ago, when my daughter had a baby 4 years ago she asked us to help with childcare 2 days a week and occasional ad hoc days. We agreed to this but saying they would have to make other arrangements if we wanted a holiday.
Unfortunately my husband died 22 months ago so have been looking after her on my own since then. She starts school in September so thought I would have my time back. But daughter just had a second baby so from next April back to 2 days a week. My daughters MIL shares the childcare and also does 2 days a week but unlike me she won’t refuse to do more ad hoc care or sleepovers.
I love both my grandchildren but I definitely could do no more than this, it’s exhausting.

Thank you for coming back Mae Mae. No doubt you’ve read here how fast these early years fly by - I’m sure in years to come you’ll look back and see how lucky you and your family were to be involved in their little lives.

I remember when my dad decided he was going to take early retirement and that he and my mum were going to move to the Essex Suffolk border. They were going to buy a smaller house and he specifically said that there wouldn't be room for grandchildren to stay for holidays.

There was a back story to this - my mother had encephalitis in her late twenties and was not in good health. Also my sister and her young daughter lived with them for the first 18 months of my niece's life.

The sad thing was that before this could happen he died from cancer and my mum developed Alzheimer's disease. He didn't actually mean it but, after bringing up 4 children they wanted some time to themselves and they deserved it.

That's so sad Dinahmo.