Towards More Picturesque Speech

When I lived in Scotland during the 1970s I had a neighbour (with a husband and two sons) who, regarding the amount of laundry she had to deal with, would often say she had enough ironing to frighten the French.

I door left open, ‘you weren’t born in a barn’.

On leaving the house and being asked where you were off to the sarky and evasive reply was often "I'm going there and back again to see how far it is"

Clawdy

My mum would say "She sat there like Piffy on a rock bun".
Never found out who Piffy was!

She sat like Patience on a monument?

My mum would say "She sat there like Piffy on a rock bun".
Never found out who Piffy was!

Am old aunt of mine when observing someone whom she thought was trying to act the ‘big I am’ would say ‘put a monkey on a horse and it thinks it’s a bloody general.’

My MiL used to describe arrogant men as all mouth and trousers.

My late MiL sometimes described other women as "all fur coat and no knickers".
I never knew exactly what she meant, but it was definitely not a compliment!

As much use as a chocolate fireguard (or sometimes teapot)

He/she couldn't organise a feast of pigeons in a cornfield.

Apparently I always looked like the wreck of the Hesperus too, or as if I'd been pulled through a hedge backwards.

If I asked what's for tea Mum? The answer was "three kicks at the pantry door"

A friend of mine years ago always referred to odd people as ' mad as cheese '.

My mother when seeing young girls wearing skimpy clothes “it’s only their pride keeping them warm”.

When asking what was for tea, my mum would say ‘bread and slap it’.

GrandmaKT

If my gran thought someone was trying to get one over on her "I'm not as green as I'm cabbage looking".

My lovely Yorkshire Aunty used to say that. I can hear her now saying looookin’!

I have a friend from the north west who has a couple of wonderful sayings.
Of something or someone that is totally useless; "She's as much use as a chocolate ashtray on a motor bike"
When feeling miserable; "I feel so low I could do a limbo dance wearing a top hat."
I think she got these from her grandfather.

My old dad when seeing someone looking cheesed off would say ‘he’s had his egg and chips with a dash of HP.’
And commenting on someone thin ‘thin as a lat’ or ‘like a matchstick with the wood scraped off.’

A man I used to work with used to say ‘He’s like a fart in a colander’ if someone wasn’t up to scratch.

If my gran thought someone was trying to get one over on her "I'm not as green as I'm cabbage looking".

When asked what’s for dinner my OH would say ‘bread and pullit’.
If asked how much something was my mother said ‘money in good words’ if she didnt want you to know.

Enugh brass on her face to make a kettle.

Hollysteers, my mother always used the term "the wreck of the Hesperus" to mean looking windswept or unkempt. I arrived at work one morning having got caught in a storm and announced to my colleagues that I felt like "the wreck of the Hesperus". There were all the same age as me and from the same city but not one of them had ever heard the expression. They looked at me as though I was speaking Japanese!

My mum used to say someone was as 'black as Newgate's knocker' - as well as several already mentioned. She also came out with, 'you mean the one with a face like a slapped arse?' for anyone she considered po faced, or, 'her mouth's like a hens' arse' if someone was looking down their nose at someone else.
She'd be locked up for hate speech nowadays.

My lovely West Country mum always said I looked like the wreck of the ‘Esperus when I came home from school. It was years before I realised ‘Esperus started with an H …

When I was going out on a date my mum would say. “Mind you keep your hand on your ha,penny “.

The only time I ever ever heard my very posh and proper twin set and pearls granny slip was when someone had upset her and she said “who’s pissed on his chips then?”

My colleague was annoyed when some noisy teenagers came into the library. She told them "They can hear your noise over two fields. Sheffield and Huddersfield."