People that will not help themselves.

Caleo

It is laziness. My sons help me with 'masculine' jobs like sorting computer problems and understanding politics. They even praise me for being interested in so many things 'at my age' and I lap it all up. But I know old age is no excuse for opting out of responsibilities.

Seriously 🤦🏼‍♀️ Did the 3 female prime ministers pass you by?
Btw my daughter is testing a new computer system that will save the NHS hundreds of millions of pounds.

I think there are still a lot of women around who can't do anything without a husband or father hovering at their elbow ........ I think it works the other way around too.....lots of men who lose their wives become pretty helpless and often seek a new partner (servant) pretty quickly!

I think there are still a lot of women around who can't do anything without a husband or father hovering at their elbow to take away the big nasty chores of life. A lack of computer skills is just one of those things - nobody is born knowing how to operate a PC or mobile phone. But if she wants to learn these (or any other) skills, she will - she'll just have to, or get left behind as technology sweeps away our option to think for ourselves (there are already things out there where you simply must have a textable mobile or you get summarily excluded). I have a friend exactly like this, and she isn't even widowed yet. She simply will not do anything for herself if she can get some other patsy to do it for her. She called me last week, asking me to buy my own Christmas gift and bill her for it, because "I simply can't think what on earth to get anyone this year." I told her to go for a walk, pick up a pretty leaf or pebble and wrap it up in Christmas paper for me. I'd be immeasurably happier with that than knowing she spent zero effort - I'd even prefer no gift at all. But that's her personality and I suppose she's entitled to be the person she wants to be. There it is. Advice: extricate yourself from her network of patsies, if you can. She'll manage - we all have to.

It is difficult to know why this lady behaves as she does without really knowing her. Top of my list would be that she is depressed.

Astitchintime

I agree with previous comments on this.......buy her a calendar for Christmas and a notebook in which you can enter phone numbers for people she can call on ...... eg plumber - tv repairer - electrician etc. As for the medication, explain that not everyone suffers side effects and she would be best to read the enclosed information sheet (it is alarming how many people don't do that)

After doing all that just take a step back, she is a friend not a client in you care.

Excellent advice…except for the medication advice sheet… have you ever read the ‘side effects’ part? On almost every medication I have ever had, they list almost every side effect possible under the sun! I assume this is to cover the manufacturer… if I had taken much notice of that I would never take another med. A good friend has side-effects from taking statins …which he NEEDS, but that is a very rare occurrence,and having discovered his allergy the docs are prescribing alternatives. She needs to try them to see if she has any problems. However perhaps the side effect she has been told about is not one that occurs til later? In which case perhaps you could research the medication and print out any positive and researched articles for her to read?
Just a thought!

To cossy- maybe your husband should change his phone number? Drastic i know but it might be the only way forward.And you may have to say goodbye to the money unfortunately.And if she is getting angry about these things then she may need more help medically or by social srvices means.(there could be underlying reasons for those like the start of dementia or similar?)

I think you need to look at this problem from your angle, rather than hers.

Sorry, that's clumsily put, what I meant is that you are, quite rightly, tired of helping a friend who makes no effort to help herself. So stop helping, as you have decided to, and stick to it.

I had to do this with a neighbour and felt bad about it, but I had noticed too things that really annoyed me-

The first was that like your friend, mine made no effort to deal with things herself, it was obviously easier to get me to deal with them.

Secondly, she never asked me what she could do in return, not even after my husband was diagnosed with an agressive form of cancer - and I honestly could have used help during the last three months of his life. After he died, she told me how sorry she was, but literally has not spoken to me since. Absolutely no offers of help were forthcoming, not so much as an equiry as to how I was getting on.

For your own sake, stick to your decision not to solve this woman's problems for her. If she asks why you have changed, tell her pleasantly but truthfully that you find it too exasperating to try to help someone who makes no effort herself.

At our time of life no-one is likely to change and suddenly become practical and efficient if they have been lacksidasically all their life and things might well get worse as she gets older.

It sounds like she may be developing Alzheimer’s .

Bizarre behaviour. She doesn’t sound rational.

If she needs so much help maybe you could suggest it may be time to move into sheltered accommodation? There they have people to help with such things dont they?, some kind of 'attached carer' or caretaker? Also i would mention at drs surgery about her not taking her pills, maybe she could have an appt with gp or nurse, or a community nurse could visit, to discuss with her those side effects, and the repercussions of just not taking them? Im sure her gp can work with her to find a type of pill that suits her better?The dangers of just not taking them without finding a more suitable one is very serious.

Caleo

It is laziness. My sons help me with 'masculine' jobs like sorting computer problems and understanding politics. They even praise me for being interested in so many things 'at my age' and I lap it all up. But I know old age is no excuse for opting out of responsibilities.

Really, Caleo!! Sorting computer problems and understanding politics are not 'masculine jobs'!

It’s a case of taking advantage of a genuine two way friendship - and now it’s developed into ‘one gives constantly and the other takes constantly’. We’re all getting older and it becomes more important to take good care of ourselves first - and that includes mentally as well as physically. This person’s habits and lifestyle has - quite obviously - now become a thorn in your side. My recommendation would be gracefully exit from the friendship …..it’s certainly not serving you well ……it’s just too one sided!

I feel your pain!

At the very beginning of lockdown my husband started to help a neighbour who lives several houses away.

Over the years this situation has escalated and my husband (foolishly) gave her his mobile number. She rings every day, some days twice or more.

She is an absolute nightmare and now owes us money and becomes quite angry if DH says no to giving her more, or doing her shopping, or all the other things she asks him to do!

I’ve started to really dislike her!

My sister has been averse to using modern technology. Her life could have been so much better if she had learned to use a laptop or ipad.

She very reluctantly got a mobile phone when we insisted and complained to me about the cost of it all. I don’t think she ever uses it now. She lives in Italy and when she used to visit the U.K. she would give some stranger my mobile number and get them to contact me to say where she was. There was an minor emergency one time when she was flying back to Italy and her daughter had been delayed in meeting her. We made numerous calls to her hotel in the U.K. where she was staying in order to pass on the message only to find that hotel had no telephone service in the rooms for visitors.

Another friend is reluctantly learning how to use an iPhone and when I asked her how she was getting on with her lessons from the U3A she gave the impression she had given up!

My 98 year old friend realised she was cut off from communication and got her daughter to teach her Whatsapp. She is now very proficient. 👍

It is laziness. My sons help me with 'masculine' jobs like sorting computer problems and understanding politics. They even praise me for being interested in so many things 'at my age' and I lap it all up. But I know old age is no excuse for opting out of responsibilities.

maybe her hubby did everything and now she is like a child

Hello, Sago.

I believe you have made the correct decision to step back, because if not, your dear friend is going to continue to rely on you for everything she cannot or will not do for herself.
I’d buy her one of those small notebooks with an alphabetical index every few pages. Write in contact details for Plumber, Electrician, Doctor, Dentist, Joiner, Gardiner, Social Services, Minister/Pastor/Priest/Church Elder and anyone else you can think of that she might need and tell her from now on, she needs to use it. Just tell her very kindly that you may not always be around and if she needs help, she MUST get into the habit of ringing whoever she needs, instead of you.

If she gets a bit frosty, tough - she will either get over it or not, but you have done her a service giving her the contacts, whether she realised it or not.

Keepingquiet said: I think there is some psychological trauma there.

I don't know what the answer is except just let her be who she is. We can all criticize the way others live their lives but she is free to make her own decisions.

It is up to you whether you 'help' her or not but I have a saying that 'doing is not always caring' maybe she needs some space to think this through.

I am doing the same thing with a family member just now but for different reasons.

I wish both you and your friend well. Take her out for coffee- go for walks but don't offer to 'do' for her, sometimes just being with people is bette

KeepingQuiet - I agree. Kindness matters and we need to be kind with some wisdom too. The good intention is really important, plus a pause to reflect and ask "is this really helping? What might be a better way to help?'

Sounds like she is depressed. How long has she been a widow?

Good answer! Sounds as though she may have the now fashionable attribute of ADHD?

Sago

Sarnia pascal30 I’m confused.

I'm sorry Sago I was replying to you but got the name wrong.. seems it applies to Sarnia as well.. You are both very kind..

Sarnia pascal30 I’m confused.

pascal30 Thank you for your reply. She is an only child and was a cherished wife and has rather lost her way. The 3 of us will have a trip out before Christmas. Thank you.

Does She have any family that can help? You should not allow her to be a burden on you. You definitely need to pull back and be less available.

There are people in this world who have high opinions of themselves and are unable to be wrong or take responsibility for their actions
As we get older and memory is not so good learning new things can take longer and there is the risk of making mistakes along the way. And of course that could never be their fault so it is easier not to try.
There is the chance that up to now you have become their supply
Might sound harsh but I speak from experience

Oh, difficult if she's genuinely a nice person.
I suppose a very gentle steering in the right direction is the way to go, maybe a tiny bit at a time.

Good luck, it sounds as if you'll need it.