People that will not help themselves.

I agree with previous comments on this.......buy her a calendar for Christmas and a notebook in which you can enter phone numbers for people she can call on ...... eg plumber - tv repairer - electrician etc. As for the medication, explain that not everyone suffers side effects and she would be best to read the enclosed information sheet (it is alarming how many people don't do that)

After doing all that just take a step back, she is a friend not a client in you care.

I'm afraid Sarnia, that I agree with a previous poster that you should keep a list of people with the relevant skills for her to contact as and when she needs help. If you enjoy her company then go out on trips with her so she can wear her various combinations of clothes.. It sounds as though she has been rather indulged in her life but now she needs to know that you also need to use your skills and time carefully.. You are obviously a very caring person but if you are finding this situation onerous then put a halt to helping her. You can still be friendly..

A friend and I have a mutual friend who lives in total chaos. As a tidy person I can never fathom why she lives the way she does. Periodically my friend and I go round, fully braced, to attempt the kitchen. Every surface is piled high with dirty crockery and cutlery, packets of food, paperwork, clothes that need washing, all under a layer of cat fur. We work hard for a couple of hours to clean it but within a week it's as bad as ever. Her excuse is that she is sitting with the cats and hasn't had time. The remainder of the house is awful but there is only so much we can do as we are both older than her and in my case less mobile. We have downed tools now as nothing improves. She employed a cleaner who advertised herself as saying no job was too bad but she walked out during her first morning, never to be seen again. I have to accept that she likes the way she lives and let her get on with it.

Sago

I have a lovely friend and neighbour, she is widowed and 10+ years older than me.

She lurches from one crisis to another and we of course help.

I am now getting frustrated as she does zero to maintain things after we have intervened.

She refuses to learn how to use a tablet/computer, she is perfectly capable, I found her a free course locally but she wouldn’t go.
She doesn’t have a calendar/diary so forgets to MOT car etc, she has a medical problem but won’t take the tablets as someone told her they have side effects, her finances are in a bad way but she won’t do a reconciliation to see her in/out so she lays awake at night worrying.
So it goes on, I could write a book on it!
She once had no TV for 10 days, we were away on holiday so she waited until we were home, no effort to sort it herself, she hadn’t even checked the fuse😡.

She is very dear to me but I have decided to stop helping her until she at least makes some effort.

It’s going to be hard!

I had an acquaintance just like that and I slowly cut ties with her. I got fed up of her always asking me to do things for her, show her how to do this, that and the other and she slowly but surely got the message. Some people don't try to learn or do things for themselves because it is easier to ask someone else to do it for them.

No wonder so many people decide to have zero contact with their neighbours, which is a pity. It can be for exactly this reason, finding themselves in this sort of situation.

You have your own life to lead, I would be leaving her to it.

What does it matter in the scheme of things.
She probably won't change now whatever you do or don't do for her. Do as much for her as you feel comfortable doing or want/have spare time to do.
I have just heard about someone very similar. One of life's takers. Just do what you can, but step back more frequently and put yourself and your husband first. Try and laugh at her and with her about her lack of ability to get anything done.
If she has children hopefully she can involve them more.
She is not your responsibility, but I expect you want to help your friend. Be a friend. But not a martyr.

We have one lady on the WI committee who refuses to learn how to use a computer or even a mobile phone. Her daughter has offered to teach her, but to no avail. So, I have to print off committee minutes etc., and pop them through her door. But, we had a problem recently which involved quite a flurry of emails and reports. I’m afraid I didn’t print anything off for her so she missed the whole exchange. Even though she lives two minutes away sometimes it is all a bit silly. During Covid she obviously couldn’t attend any of our zoom meetings.

Another friend who refused to learn how to use a computer finally capitulated during the Covid lockdowns. The only way she could engage with her only grandchild was on zoom. She could be described as computer literate now!

MissAdventure

The thing with some of these people is that if you are unavailable, they'll not only manage, but will keep a safe distance in case you need help.

No unfortunately she doesn’t try if we are not available.

She is very kind and patient, rarely says a bad word of anyone and has been a great listener.

I do think she is intrinsically lazy.

I wish you luck Sago it’s a tough lesson to learn - for you both

The thing with some of these people is that if you are unavailable, they'll not only manage, but will keep a safe distance in case you need help.

It is just laziness. I know because I am perfectly capable of retuning my new thermostat but it will be annoying and time consuming, if I wait my daughter will do it for me. Will galvanise myself NOW!

I think there is some psychological trauma there.

I don't know what the answer is except just let her be who she is. We can all criticize the way others live their lives but she is free to make her own decisions.

It is up to you whether you 'help' her or not but I have a saying that 'doing is not always caring' maybe she needs some space to think this through.

I am doing the same thing with a family member just now but for different reasons.

I wish both you and your friend well. Take her out for coffee- go for walks but don't offer to 'do' for her, sometimes just being with people is better.

GrandmaBatty She is getting worse, she is highly intelligent but seems to have little common sense!

She once told me she had spent the WHOLE day trying her clothes to create different combinations (she has a lot of clothes) but she was feeling low because her home needed cleaning.

I am not as intelligent but very practical and face things head on, I do appreciate I have a husband and she doesn’t.

Not quite so lovely. I expect she had a husband who did everything for her. I have a friend who is like that with his wife, and she sits back and expects him to do everything for her despite his increasing ill-health.
The refusal to learn how to access computer/phone means she can't then contact anyone. ie cope with simple problems herself, and 'forgetting' dates means someone else will organise it for her. The refusal to take prescribed medication is criminally stupid; a relative has recently died an unpleasant death because he wilfully ignored two serious conditions and treatments until it was too late.
Unfortunately, you are sympathetic and kind-hearted; she is getting older, more dependant and less able, and these 'can't copers' are very tenacious when it comes to their needs.

She lurches from crisis to crisis because she relies on you to fix things. Has she always been like that or has she got worse over the years? I would tell her that she has to manage things herself and you are no longer prepared to step in and definitely stick to it.

How annoying.
Yes. Next time she wants something maybe try to just give her a phone number of "someone to help".

Maybe a calendar for Christmas?

😬