False Memories

In my family, my DD does this too, usually laughing while saying things that I have no recollection of. Or saying things through the eyes of a child, like 'making' her wear smart clothes at a casual event. I only have positive memories growing up

My next sister is precisely 1 year and 11 months younger than me (she hated being called 2 years younger!) We were together for much of our childhood, and had the same upbringing, going to the same school and daily life at home. We have of course a lot of memories in common, yet we also have memories that we are convinced are true, that the other sister says never happened , or that we had misremembered the same occasion. It is partly, I think, because you have your own special interests, so you remember something that appealed or affected you more , so stands out in your mind. Another person would remember a different part of the same occasion. So I have always liked coffee in cakes or anything and she liked marzipan . So we would remember the same party together but the cakes that we liked would not be remembered by the other one. In the same way if the police ask for details from witnesses they remember different things. So when you talk to another person and they remember different details of the same time, you see each other as either liars or wrong, and then you want to convince them that you are right, so you can put more and more emphasis on that thing and it can become a battle to win., so you keep reliving the battle and going round and round and getting now where
I was quite bright, but as the eldest I was expected to take my sister with me , and I was always told to take care of her etc. You are the eldest, dont let her go in the road , scuff her new shoes, or whatever. If we did anything wrong or came home late etc. it was always "you are the eldest, it is your responsibility. Someone of your intelligence should know better" So that responsibility made me feel anxious about things and feel I had to make sure everyone was safe and ok and so my sister and I can agree about everything that happened at a party or an occasion, but she felt comfortable and laid back and hadnt got that attitude . That can show that two people can experience all the same things but react in a differnt way.
I think you will really not get far trying to stop her way of thinking and she will believe her own version. So there seems to me to be a choice of which way you go. If you feel this is beginning to wreck your total relationship, as she will keep saying her version is true and you will feel so upset and angry at the way you are portrayed. Then maybe you might either try to speak to a counsellor, either on your own, who you could explain how this is making you feel , or if your daughter is willing to have some joint sessions, if she prepared to try and look at things with someone who is outside the situation, Or, a couple of other suggestions, when she starts to talk like this ,choose some non judgemental reply. So you might just say "well we have different memories of this" where you are clearly not agreeing with her , but you are not telling her she is wrong either. If you then change the subject or close that conversation in reality by saying something like Im just going to put the kettle on etc etc. . If she insists on going on trying to get you to accept her version, I think you could also consider just not replying to any comment on her words and literally move away, going into another room or just remember you need to get something or go to the bathroom. Hopefully you might have a close friend who knew you she she was young, who you could go to , to be able to speak to someone who could confirm your version. Then for a physical thing, when she has left and you are on your own with no one about, then think about what she said and thump a cushion to let some of the anger out!! I hope that things improve for you , just dont let her spoil your pleasure of today with making you concentrate on the past which you cannot improve by whatever you do now. I would make a resolution to let this fade and spend more time trying to enjoy today.

It's easier to remember the bad stuff.

My late dad clearly remembered being in hospital when he was born, and could describe the windows in detail, as seen from his cot.
He was absolutely sure it was a real memory until it was discovered that he had actually been born at home.

The parent's lot - we are to blame and when we are not to blame we are still to blame for pretending to be blameless.

Lizzy pop bottle, I’m the oldest of 3 sisters, born over 8 years. We often compare memories of events, or our experience of being parented.
As her majesty once commented, recollections may vary -at least that’s our experience. We share some beliefs based on individual experiences, of positive or negative experiences of our parents
We are similar yet very different. As adults we recognise our personalities influenced -not all down to mum and dad as our influences played a part

ExDancer* I'm the middle one of three sisters. We probably all have 'memories' that the other two can't credit. I've long since forgiven our parents for the real or imagined slights and injustices meted out to me as I was growing up and I don't blame my sisters for the real or imagined favouritism either. Your daughter needs to grow up!

Memory is a strange thing. Have you ever seen programmes or read anything about eye witnesses to crimes? Even if questioned within minutes of an event, people will recall it differently and describe things that didn't happen and suspects who weren't even there.

My mam often tells me stories of her childhood that couldn't possibly have happened when she says if you take into account her age at the time. Timelines and events get mixed up. Our brain isn't a very good filing system.

Some people, me included, tend to remember bad things that happened. I have to force myself to remember good things. Once I remember the good times then my childhood, although difficult, wasn't as odd as my bad memories would have me believe. Perhaps you could change the subject to good things that you did together e.g. holidays, days out, some silly memory when you all ended up laughing etc.

Mind you, if it was me, I'd just let her get on with it as long as she's not telling the world and wrecking your reputation.

ExDancer, its funny really, you must have been really neglectful, all the foods you mention are healthy, it’s not as if you were feeding her rubbish. I think the tendency is to blame parents for their own failures, parents easy targets, if she starts again i would say well you didn't fancy the gruel or bread crusts on offer,

leeds22

I have an enduring memory of meeting my Mum's grandparents, in their back garden, when I was about 8. We lived in Leeds, they in Enfield. Since doing my family history I realise this is an impossibility because they were both dead by then. But I still 'remember' it.

One of our son's believes he had a neglected childhood but we realise now that his wife put the idea into his head and it has stuck. She is a helicopter mother, so by her standards I suppose we were pretty neglectful!

I wonder were the old couple great aunt and uncle, or just friends of your deceased great grandparents or grandparents and you just got hold of the wrong end of the stick?

This is very sad for you. I have had similar conversations with my daughter over a number of years. Despite the fact that we try to support her in every way, and always have done, she is very critical of us both. She was in a coercive control marriage and I sometimes wonder if the bile he spouted about our entire family has coloured her view. I don’t know, but I feel very hurt by it. Especially as we try so hard to help her so much.

Her brothers have never behaved this way.

It's very odd -- I remember clearly discussing things with my DS when he was a teenager or very young adult but he now says he has no recollection of them.
As an example he told me his friend's father used to hit his mother (this was true, she left him shortly after and said why) but he is adamant he never said anything like that (or at most he cannot remember it at all.)

I have read that people undergoing therapy have been known to come up with stories about their childhoods which are false.
It is obviously very upsetting for parents to be told about things that didn't happen. I think there are some therapists who have something to answer for.

It is a well-known fact that families remember the same events differently, and that one member of a family may not remember something another does,

A false memory could well be something your daughter was told about having happened to an uncle or aunt - the pudding basin haircut sounds much more like something an uncle or grand-uncle had experienced rather than anyone of our children's age.

I do not think it is a good idea to continuly deny that these things happened. Simply say to your daughter that you have no recollection of many of these things. Then point out that you find it hurtful that she continually blames you for things you simply do not remember, and ask her to stop doing so.

I'm so relieved to hear that it's not just me and my DD.
Some of the things she avidly recounts are so awful that I can't understand why she has anything to do with me.
Needless to say, I can't remember being such a ghastly person, so it certainly is true that recollections differ!

I have a son who is now estranged from us for exactly this reason. His sister was brought up exactly the same as him and although she has told me there were some issues she has been willing to talk to me about them and listen to me about how things were for me at the time. We do have an advantage in that she is training to be a counsellor and as such she has to go through counselling herself and i have also had sessions with a counsellor for the last nine months. I have told my daughter that should she want to , I will talk about absolutely anything she wants about her childhood.
I would like to have given my son the same chance but he has just cut us all off , including his sister and her family.
He stated in a letter that he had become a better husband and father since distancing himself from us so he was choosing to maintain that distance.
The door will always be open to him but we must get on with our lives in the meantime. You only live once.

My son who is mostly estranged from us, although there is occasional contact, has different memories to myself and other family and friends. I'm willing to accept that any or all of us could have faulty recollections, but any suggestion that he's misremembering is 'everyone ganging up' on him. It makes it very hard to make progress on building bridges. He has had a lot of therapy and the memories seem to have emerged from that, and sometimes changed when he changed therapist.

I have an enduring memory of meeting my Mum's grandparents, in their back garden, when I was about 8. We lived in Leeds, they in Enfield. Since doing my family history I realise this is an impossibility because they were both dead by then. But I still 'remember' it.

One of our son's believes he had a neglected childhood but we realise now that his wife put the idea into his head and it has stuck. She is a helicopter mother, so by her standards I suppose we were pretty neglectful!

Surely her Dad would remember such incidents or siblings!

It seems they grow up with a few small things that gets blown out of portion..
I've had stuff said to me as well. It's very upsetting.
Once or eldest granddaughter 20 say at the table with her boyfriend.
We were talking about the past.
I said I know I wasn't the perfect mother and I don't think anyone is.
We learn as we grow with the kids if you have them very young.
Granddaughter turned around and said no you were not was you.
I went god good I didn't beat it starve the kids.
Wheres this coming from.
She said you put grandad first before my mother.
I went what... Nothing more said.
Still don't know what it really is. Pleases don't let her bother you. She's looking for reaction from you and getting it. Just like me.

My mother has a selective memory when it comes to her lack of parenting skills too OP I put it down to liberal prescriptions of Librium

I think there is a time when our parents are older, to not mention their failures to them, say aged 65 and upwards…

I was talking with my DB recently and he related some trauma he had gone through as a child. I don’t remember it that way, but what I did say to him was, all three of us grew up in that hellish environment, we were all affected by it and have our different perspectives, but I accept our selves and what we’ve each emerged from it with.

I made stews and curries every night for my son when he would get in from school. Fresh veg brought on my way home. Sometimes a pasta dish with fresh pesto.
Imagine my secret delight when he was new into fatherhood and marriage, he told me he loves making curries and ‘even’ pasta with pesto sauce.
Grin.

I had what I thought was an accident in that I was at the local swimming baths with my brothers and cousins. My aunt and cousins came upto stay with us during the school holidays. So as a treat took the 6 of us swimming, the swimming baths had showers next to two very deep bath tubs. And I truly believed I’d slipped on the wet floor and fell backwards into a bath of really hot water and suffered some serious burns to my backside and legs. It was only 30+ years later my cousin admitted to pushing me back into the bathtub. Thank goodness my father was never told of the real reason I fell in the bathtub, as it would have caused a huge fight in the family, as he thought his sister was too soft on her children. It’s amazing what tricks the mind can play on you.

I too said that... my Mum (a teacher) slapped my legs - but bit don't remember it happening again...

This thread just opened up a conversation with my youngest adult DS, about how 2 of his older siblings occasionally sound like they were deprived or raised in a super strict household, making it sound as though home life was devoid of fun.

This is something I absolutely refute, as I always went to great effort to fill their time out of school with what I thought was fun activities. He said he doesn't take any notice of them as they exaggerate about everything and like to make out our 2 youngest had everything easy.

He did go on to say however that there were times when we didn't have much money, and they actually had to eat canned foods. The horror of it! I can't believe I was so callous as to feed my offspring something out of a can, you know, the kind of thing we were all brought up on. I pointed this out and his response was firstly that, that was OK when I was a child, his next comment was that he wasn't going to continue this conversation, as what he would say about that would only upset me.

I know it's probably ridiculous but I feel really quite gutted.