False Memories

LadyDark

False memory can be a terrible and dangerous thing! Some people have been accused and sentenced to prison and had their lives and reputations ruined on the strength of 'false memory'. Therapists & other mental health workers tend to encourage and act on these memories as they are afraid they 'MAY' be true.

And then this one. To name but two.

It isnt just worry.
It can go way beyond that.

I only had to scroll back to two posts before mine to find this.

What if there had been estrangement?
What if, the poster is loking after her gc , and the daughter says to anyone, "I saw my mum use a wooden spoon, just like she did with me" type thing.

Dangerous.

^But factual happenings are another thing, My daughter insists she has a memory of me smacking her with a wooden spoon. I have never smacked anyone with a wooden spoon🤔🙄

Fortunately it hasn’t been an issue for her. I just st have to let it go because it’s very real to her though totally false. But how awful if that false memory had led her to estrange me.^

fancythat

ordinarygirl

Even if she was correct - what does it matter? i gather she is not telling people you abused her either mentally or physically?
Maybe, when she tells the stories that people are probably fed up of hearing , you say that you didn't have much money so you did what you did . I think the more you disagree the more you feed into her stories . I think she is being perverse for the fun of it?

Truth matters.

There are so very many reasons why truth matters.

Recollections vary. Family truth may be indiscernible.

No matter unless one wants to worry over others notions.

ordinarygirl

Even if she was correct - what does it matter? i gather she is not telling people you abused her either mentally or physically?
Maybe, when she tells the stories that people are probably fed up of hearing , you say that you didn't have much money so you did what you did . I think the more you disagree the more you feed into her stories . I think she is being perverse for the fun of it?

Truth matters.

There are so very many reasons why truth matters.

Lathyrus3

The whole false memory thing is very interesting I think.

I definitely have one very clear (to me) false memory from my adulthood, of my daughter as a small baby lying on the sofa, in the living room with the sunlight on her face making her blink and sneeze.

I know this is a false memory because a) we did not buy that sofa until she was three and b) the house we lived in when she was a baby faced north.

But it is totally real as a picture memory. Obviously I have conflated stuff from babyhood, later and maybe even a totally different place. Or a dream🙄

I find it fascinating that people remember events differently.

I doubt it matters at all in the whole of life.

welbeck

Smileless2012
But that is begging the question.
Suppose I assert that I hated going to infant school
Whereas my parent asserts that I skipped into class happily every day.
Which is the false memory?
Or is it even a useful concept?
Not in all cases.
An open listening conversation would be better with mutual input.

That’s about a feeling though isnt it wellbeck.Feelings are subjective, so they can’t really ever be “false”.

But factual happenings are another thing, My daughter insists she has a memory of me smacking her with a wooden spoon. I have never smacked anyone with a wooden spoon🤔🙄

Fortunately it hasn’t been an issue for her. I just st have to let it go because it’s very real to her though totally false. But how awful if that false memory had led her to estrange me.

Smileless2012
But that is begging the question.
Suppose I assert that I hated going to infant school
Whereas my parent asserts that I skipped into class happily every day.
Which is the false memory?
Or is it even a useful concept?
Not in all cases.
An open listening conversation would be better with mutual input.

The whole false memory thing is very interesting I think.

I definitely have one very clear (to me) false memory from my adulthood, of my daughter as a small baby lying on the sofa, in the living room with the sunlight on her face making her blink and sneeze.

I know this is a false memory because a) we did not buy that sofa until she was three and b) the house we lived in when she was a baby faced north.

But it is totally real as a picture memory. Obviously I have conflated stuff from babyhood, later and maybe even a totally different place. Or a dream🙄

That's why false memories can be so damaging Shandy, once something becomes someone's 'truth' and they 'know' it happened there's nothing you can do about it.

If something's a false memory welbeck it never was a lived experience; it never happened.

How do you know that the belief that it didn't happen is not a false memory ? ?
There's a lot of dismissal of other people's lived experience.

Their truth

There's quite a but written about false memories. However sadly for you one of the biggest factors is that the person believes those memories and it becomes 'thrleir truth', no matter how much you say it didn't happen they 'know' it did. It's a hard one, but maybe looking up "false memories" and obtaining some information to pass onto your daughter might help 🤞🏻

I think there’s a lot more ‘parent bashing’ these days and it’s seen as acceptable by younger people. It’s probably the reason that there are so many estrangements these days. There are probably a number of reasons for this, but it’d take a thesis to sort them all out.

It’s very sad though.

I have this with my eldest daughter. Some things are vaguely true but some just never happened and she loves telling people and every now and then I get some mum
Bashing which I then get told to stop playing the victim.

Perhaps it’s because I am older (58) perhaps it’s because both of my parents have died and are much missed, but I can’t help but think that some people focus on the wrong things. My parents weren’t perfect, but they loved us, lived each other and always did their absolute best. I too survived casseroles 😂

Yes, it's funny how memories vary. I was raised with 3 siblings, each with about 3 years between us. So we carry different memories of events in our childhood. My older sister has a remarkable memory, remembering snowstorms in the winter of ---, or being on holidays in a hotel in France when Nixon resigned. I am amazed at some of the things she will bring up. I must have taken a mind-cleansing potion since I don't remember any of these things! But she also is a pessimist, and remembers more unhappy events, or will put a pessimistic view on other memories. I guess I have always been the cup half full type of gal, and have more good memories than bad.

Our middle son seems to misremember some things, also putting a pessimistic slant of some of his childhood memories. For instance he says he had a 'crappy' bike. I remember well paying a pretty penny for his bicycle, but he had friends with richer parents, and of course theirs were always better, so his was never as good by comparison. He complains we never put him in ice hockey. I indeed did, but he cried the first three times and we didn't go back.

These are small things really, but it irks me to hear he thinks we didn't do well enough for him.

Overall, I think we didn't do too much harm raising our children! They are all healthy and reasonable successful adults now, with lovely families.

MOnica - my friends in the late 70’s crossed out Wrong and wrote in World
You’re right though, so laugh these days with my daughter as they tell stories of being the worst mother in the world. Get in the queue

I have always said that a mother's place is in the wrong, and I am quite comfortable there. Got an armchair, a cushion and a good book.

You've hit the nail on the head with that post Babs .

Freshair

In my family, my DD does this too, usually laughing while saying things that I have no recollection of. Or saying things through the eyes of a child, like 'making' her wear smart clothes at a casual event. I only have positive memories growing up

Perhaps ignore anything you find silly?

Haha, GrannyS, I love it

Our kitchen wall was for several years decorated with an illuminated manuscript which said “A parent’s place is in the wrong”, DD’s effort in art. Good thing we did actually believe it.

Yes MOnica is right, it's the reaction they want, can't they talk aboit something else!

Don't argue back just do not hear her when she starts bitching and carry on as if nothing was said. I have found just ignoring the words of someone trying to get a reaction out of me and carrying on with the previous conversation quite effective.

Stews and casseroles!!! I blame Delia.
I would answer this every single time and roar with laughter.

Pudding bowl haircut!!, I blame Vidal Sassoon. Anything else? I am sure you can blame Mary Quant for something.