People Pleasers

I was a people pleaser Cossy when I was small. My Mother left me twice so I became a pleaser in case she left me again! I think she felt I was very boring after that!

A good technique is to say ‘ I’ll get back to you on that’ which takes away the immediacy from something and gives you time to think, easier than an outright no.

The problem is so much more difficult with a family member as I have found in the past.

It is such a relief to be able to step back and say 'sorry can't manage that'.

I am pathetic I cannot say no, that’s why I adopted 6 children! Glad I did though.
Seriously I cannot say no it does come across that I am weak. I do wonder if it is anything to do with the job you had!

I am struggling to stay friends with a woman who comes for coffee or a drink here from time to time. I am invited to hers less frequently,
Last time she arrived she had an actual list of things she wanted me to help her with. She even had a light bulb in her bag she wanted me to help her buy again. She is ten years older than me so I have made allowances for that. She has a daughter, but she doesn't see her very often.

CocoPops

One of my New Yeat Resolutions was to stop planning meeting up with a friend. I always searched for events eg theatres or cinemas and I got our tickets. But over 10 years she never ever reciprocated, not even suggesting going somewhere for a coffee. She really enjoyed our outings as did I. However I began to feel resentful and I feel much better since I stopped and luckily I have other friends do reciprocate Anyone else experienced this?

Yes. It was cinema visits that we both enjoyed but she never asked first, it was always me organising. I specifically said to her one day that I’d let her do the next organising as I didn’t want to feel in charge. That was 10 years ago and I haven’t been out with her since. Perhaps she wasn’t assertive enough to say no?

Thanks Cossy and Spinnaker 😃there’s a lot of illness about at the moment, I recommend a hot toddy every night, won’t help but makes you feel better , hic🥃
I think saying ‘no’ to somebody can be done with charm so it doesn’t offend but never explain why you can’t do something unless it’s family or a good friend.For anyone else I tell them I’ll have to check my diary but pretty sure I’m busy that day.

One of my New Yeat Resolutions was to stop planning meeting up with a friend. I always searched for events eg theatres or cinemas and I got our tickets. But over 10 years she never ever reciprocated, not even suggesting going somewhere for a coffee. She really enjoyed our outings as did I. However I began to feel resentful and I feel much better since I stopped and luckily I have other friends do reciprocate Anyone else experienced this?

I’m betting better at saying no but sometimes I follow it with an excuse. The excuse then leads to a discussion to overturn the No !
An example is .. I would love to but my car is going into the garage that day. This leads to an offer to give me a lift or a shared bus timetable 🙀

A few years ago attended an Assertuvnesss Course. because I was one of those who could not say "no". It's the broken record technique say "no" and you don't need to give a reason. Difficult at first but taught me a good lesson.

The switch for me came at 50 I've been considering my own feelings now for nearly ten years Wish it had been earlier If have had a happier life

I'm getting better at it too, I find responding to requests by saying " I would really like to but I don't want to" works with most reasonable people.

grandMattie

It’s hard, isn’t it to learn to say “No”?
Even at the great age of 77 and a lifelong pleaser I’m finding hard, though I’m getting better at it. Yesss

Oh grandMattie! I wish I could be like you! I am 79 and STILL haven’t got the hang of it! I try, but my ‘no’ always turns out as ‘yes’!

Late 70s now and just please myself. I have become more assertive with difficult people too.

It’s hard, isn’t it to learn to say “No”?
Even at the great age of 77 and a lifelong pleaser I’m finding hard, though I’m getting better at it. Yesss

At Christmas ,I found myself having to do way too much .
By New Year , I was asked to do more .
I felt completely exhausted and vowed to start saying no .
I've been out of circulation for three weeks.
The minute I was seen on Sunday a diary was whipped out and my name entered for more things .
The lady in question has done very little to help and seems to have appointed herself as the one in charge who is excellent at delegating and taking the credit .
After all these years of being a people pleaser I'm learning to say no .

Yes. Having the skill of assertivenes is so freeing… “I’m flattered you’ve asked but….”
“It’s not something I feel I will make a good job of so…”
Or just “No.” is a full sentence. Talking like a broken record helps too 🤣🤣

Oreo

Yeah me too Spinnaker😂 have given up pleasing and pleasuring people this week as I have a cold, cough cough.

Sorry you're under the weather Oreo - I've just had the last two weeks of coughing and sneezing

Ps. This is not me pleasing or pleasuring btw 😂😂

I have never been a people pleaser, or at least I never got the hang of it and it usually got me into trouble. Much happier making decisions that work for me, while giving everyone elses demands a fair look in.

Cossy

I was a people pleasure since a very young child, until about 6 years ago, at 60, when I thought “life is too short”.

I very politely decline ANYTHING now, I don’t really want to do, unless it’s an emergency for close friends or family.

It’s a relief!

Me too. I reached sixty just over 7 years ago and thought enough is enough. And surprisingly nobody seemed to notice.
Should have done it years before that.

Cossy I’m 54 and finally stopped bein a pathetic peaple pleaser and it feels bloody great

Oreo

Yeah me too Spinnaker😂 have given up pleasing and pleasuring people this week as I have a cold, cough cough.

Wish you better.

Cannot believe I didn’t notice my typo!

😂😂😂😂

Spinnaker

Go on then, who did you pleasure 😂😂😂 😉😉

I know, a typo obviously but made me smile all the same 😀

Oh no

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I think there might be something in your being 60 when you changed.

When I hit 60 a switch flicked in me and I found it so much easier to fully inhabit myself and stop pleasing everyone, saying yes to events I knew I'd dread and putting up with people who made me miserable or weren't very nice to me and mine.

Oh my goodness the relief is fabulous. I feel like I came into my own. I only wish I'd done it earlier.

Never be afraid to say no when asked for a favour if you don’t want to do it.