Having a social life when you’re hard of hearing.

I've only had hearing aids for a couple of months so still trying to get used to them. I did get the impression when getting them fitted that the Audiologist had some kind of control over what I could and couldn't do with them initially. ie I can't use the volume control on the hearing aid itself, I have to use the Oticon app to adjust them. I did ask her about the volume control but she said "no not yet" bossy! but I couldn't stand the loudness, it was too much.

I have a phone appointment in May for a check up on how I'm getting on with them, so I don't know if I'll be 'allowed' to do more with them then.

I found it very difficult and embarrassing being in company and not being able to join in when I couldn't hear the conversations so I'm glad I got them but I do find the sound a bit tinny and sssssisssy at times

I am quite deaf in one ear so if we are eating with friends I choose a seat at a table with my good ear facing inward so I can hear my companions n stead of the people at the next table iyswim.
It took a bit of explaining to friends that I wasn’t being pushy,

Shelflife, you can love someone and still feel regret and exasperation!
We know this.

My dad wore his aids all the time, having lost a lot of his hearing in his 30s through too much quinine (apparently) when he caught malaria.. He wore them all day until he got into bed at night.

He had cross words for friends who didn't wear them and people who wouldn't acknowledge the problem.
I do think he was a force for good as he got older as he would be full of the "wonders" of them and would discuss how they worked to anyone who was not wanting them. I know it revolutionised his life when he got them - he told everyone about it!
I think he'd have been super-excited about some of these newer types!

His open attitude to embracing the hearing aid I think made it easier for him to socialise because he was never trying to be "discreet" about his hearing loss. It never was an embarrassment.
Maybe you could be a little bolder teabagwoman, "my hearing aid isn't coping well with the sound of xyz, please could we move tables?"

Thinking of you.

I do have a lot of empathy for those with hearing loss... and those who live with them.

My mother-in-law still sees hers as a bit of a nuisance and doesn't wear them unless she's going out or expecting people... which I find a bit frustrating!

Yes Shelflife It was my fathers refusal to wear aids and all the problems and misunderstandings it caused that made me determined to have them. The police once had to break into his house because I was anxious that he didn’t answer the phone and he couldn’t hear them knocking!

It was a hereditary problem so, as soon as my hearing started to fail in my thirties, I got the help I needed. My state of the art aids are a dream compared to what was available then.

I do sympathise with your frustration and the plight you both find yourselves in now💐

I’m almost totally deaf in one ear, but after tests and an MRI scan was told that a hearing aid wouldn’t help at all. My hearing in the other ear is reasonable so when going out with a group I try to sit with the good ear to the conversation. Otherwise I might just as well stay at home.
That’s a good tip about sitting near a wall, will try that.
I get quite stressed in a group setting as sometimes it takes a while to accurately get what’s been said, by which time I’m feeling really stupid.
Trying to encourage people to only speak one at a time is almost impossible! One advantage of the mute button on Zoom.
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but ‘Spoons’ don’t play music and that’s a real help.

I have been doing my very best for many years to sympathize and and be understanding about my DH lack of hearing - and I mean years !!!!!! My patience is now running out. I am embarrassed having to raise my voice in public places. Some years ago after a few heated arguments he finally got hearing aids but wouldn't wear them !
Four years on he sadly has Alzheimer's Disease, and I am fully aware that hearing loss contributes significantly to the onset of dementia! So please everyone be aware of that.
I have now had to stop pestering him about wearing his aids as I have enough on my plate taking care of him . I know he is now unable to rationalize about his hearing loss but that does not excuse his attitude in previous years. Who knows if he had acknowledged his hearing loss years ago we might not be in this sad situation now. I am well aware that many people have a hearing loss that aids will not alleviate - my DH was not one of those! I recognize how hard it is for the person with a hearing loss but surely if aids can help why not wear them !? It is absolutely exasperating to live with someone who refuses to acknowledge the problem. It leads to misunderstandings and tension! Thank you for reading, moan over ! We have been married for a very very long time and he knows I love him!

I have nhs blue tooth but no means of changing programs unfortunately. All I can do is volume.

The very best thing is modern hearing aids like franbern describes and wear them all the time. Since I got mine I find my hearing is better than most people if my age and they are the ones asking me to repeat what others are saying! They reduce background noise and the link to the phone with all its extras is brilliant.

I learned to lip read some years ago and that’s very helpful too. I do still find some accents difficult to make out. I think that’s because the lips are saying one thing and the voice is saying something quite different😬

And you can qualify for attendance allowance.
My DH is very deaf and it really affects our social life.
When we are out it sounds as if we are having a row because I have to speak so loudly.
It is definitely a hidden disability.

I wear two hearing aids and find it very difficult in noisy cafes etc. it's very hard for both me and whoever I'm with. Franbern are you conneted through Bluetooth? I am also however I still find it difficult to 'programme' my aids to ensure I get the best sound when out and about. Maybe you can advise how I do this??

I think you can get a 'disabled railcard' if you are deaf.

Are you wearing hearing aids?

I have a lovely friend who is going more deaf by the day but she refuses to have her ears looked at.

My father was deaf and he said you must always wear your aids and regularly be prepared to upgrade them.

I'm sure you are already doing this but if not it might be worth checking with your audiologist.

I know he said that it's unfortunate that people don't really understand and make allowances for deafness.

With my mother-in-law we try to go to places ahead of or after the crowd - early or late lunches, early dinners etc and avoid echoing spaces.

Might it be a good idea to go to groups where people speak one at a time - such as a book group?
Or do you play (say) bridge?

I would look at what activity based groups might be suitable.

If you are meeting friends somewhere new I'd phone in advance and ask if they have a quirter area. I'd tell them that someone in your group is hard of hearing. They can't always help but usually they can.
We do this every time we are out with my mother-in-law.

Thinking of you.
Deafness is a bit of a hidden disability it seems to me.

Oreo old fashioned tea shops are such a joy but getting rarer by the day. A local heritage site held a New Year’s Eve afternoon tea in their library. There were curtains, cushions and upholstery to absorb the echoes and the tables were well spaced. It was wonderful. I’m hoping they’ll do more of these events.

My new NHS Hearing Aids are programmed onto my smartphone and this allows me to 'direct' where I want the sound to come from/be turned off. I have worn hearing aids for some twenty years and this is the first time have had this facility.

So, now when at meetings in noisy pubs, coffee bars, etc. I use this programme and no more noisy machines, muzak, etc.

DH is deaf too. Echoey places aren't good either.

He can turn down background noise on his new aids.

Am sure it must be very difficult. Finding quiet places to meet, an old fashioned tea shop rather than a noisy Costa type?
The noise from coffee machines is ridiculously loud I agree.
Meeting up at quiet times? Garden centres?