Am I being a crabby old bat .......

I have a conscientious DGD doing Alevels this year. The school are very proactive in helping their students set up revision plans and work to them.

The main thing that her parents have been doing is fitting their lives around hers, so that at Easter, instead of spending a week with us and going out a lot, she stayed home, and her mother stayed with her, so that she wasn't alone for a week and made sure she was eating properly. The plus side was that we had DS and DGS for a week and were able to get really quality time with DGS.

I did interfere - I regularly bellowed upstairs. Though with 5 of them there wasn't much more I could do. 🤣🤣

Am I the only one who is in awe of those posters on here who had self motivated children who didn’t need to be chivvied along to get on with their school homework and exam revision and came out of with top marks?
Obviously a long time ago but my parents didn’t really show much interest in my progress at school and despite going to a grammar school I came out with only one GCSE pass.
I was determined I’d keep more of a check on my two sons and made sure I kept checking they’d done their homework and if necessary helped out with revision.
They came out of school with moderate (not top passes).
I probably was what people call a ‘helicopter’ parent but have no regrets and they had no problem becoming independent adults and progressing well in the workplace and then gaining degrees in their own time.
When I first started work in the personnel department it was quite normal for 16-18 year olds to bring a parent with them for an interview although they stayed in the waiting room but the interviewer often chatted to the parent afterwards.

My children don’t interfere with their children’s’ lives like that and neither did I. My parents probably weren’t even aware when I actually had exams. All of us have/ are about to attend University. You can’t live peoples lives for them, can you ?

No, I don't think you're being crabby, but times do change. A lot of students have extra tuition now as everything is so competitive.
I helped my children, but it was only help and not doing their work for them. For instance, I taught them how to create their own exam revision timetable by showing them my work timetable; I showed them a six step plan for analysing any text, but didn't do their homework for them. There were some subjects I couldn't help them with, but I like to think I taught them by example, how hard you have to try and how much effort you need to put in if you want something.
I'd say it's important to help them build resilience as well as independence.

Lahlah65

Grannylynj has helpful added to my vocabulary….I hadn’t heard that expression. I’ll drop it into a message with my DD’s at some point…

I have heard the expression - my DD uses it!

When my DS was between school and university he applied for a job at B&Q. He had to do an online test as part of the application, on basic maths. He was about to do a degree in maths so obviously found it very easy. When he went for the interview he was astonished to find he had to do the test again while there. He couldn't understand it at all. I explained that the online test would weed out the totally incapable, then the test in person would identify those who had got a parent to help with the online test! Once there he quickly become aware of the need to pass the test as many customers needed help and struggled with converting measurements when buying things for DIY projects. He worked in the plumbing department for the summer and spent some of his free time looking at 'How to' videos to learn how to do basic plumbing and help the customers better. He was able to help with some home repairs for me by the end of it.

I always assumed my DD would perform best as she was concientious and hard working whereas DS took after me and did the bare minimum. He failed a couple of GCSEs due to not completing the coursework! However he got his act together in 6th form and did brilliantly at A level. He now has a PhD and teaches maths at a university. DD has done brilliantly too. Both had very little help from me or my ex, although we would help if asked. Both asked me to proof read things from time to time, even at university, but only to pick up silly spellings or badly worded stuff. I couldn't have helped with the actual content for either of them as my maths knowledge ended at 'O' level and I knew very little about Shostakovich and his compositions! When it came to DS's PhD dissertation the only bit I really understood were the acknowledgements, but I did pick up a couple of spelling mistakes!

In my opinion young kids need support as they become proficient readers etc, but as they get older, and especially at secondary school, we need to gradually back off and only help if asked. Being 'too supportive' does them no favours. We best serve them by treating them as the young adults they are, allowing them to be independent. Of course if kids are struggling they may need support from parents, but that should be evident fairly quickly if parents attend parents evenings. As an ex teacher I know that the parents we really wanted to see at parents' evenings were sadly the ones that often didn't attend!

Agree

You are not being a crabby old bat. You see your GC being cosseted in circumstances that they should be managing themselves. Support and encourage yes but taking over what they should do, no. As to young folk being smothered I live in a very small community of 125 houses Chikdren primary and secondary used to walk to meet school buses approx half a mile away. Then there was a complaint by a parent who moved into area that her child when walking to or from the bus stop got wet when it rained. All three school buses were then routed into the estate which is a dead end, and have to make three point turns in narrow streets so the kids basically just walk 100 ft to where the buses collect them. Then the complaint to the grounds maintenance company. The grassed areas are cut and the kids walk over them for a short cut instead of using the footpath. The company was asked to not leave any grass on the cut areas as it stuck to the children's shoes and made a mess when they entered their house. Couldn't make it up! Not only children but a lot of adults seem to be mollycuddled nowadays.

Luckygirl , you are indeed lucky that your AC and GC are so able and will receive stellar results in their exams.
Teenagers vary so much. DS was like his father, terrible time management and needed help in that regard, whereas DD was super-organised. GC also vary and I think they receive help as required.

Oh you’re not being crabby….. not at all! I have a daughter and she is extremely instrumental in ‘guiding’ her three children right through to their educational years whilst her husband tends to take a back seat on the whole process. When it comes to university choices her middle child has ‘firmly’ decided to go to a university in a different province, a 2 1/2 hour flight away and certainly not her mother’s first choice, whereas her eldest child followed the guidance offered and is studying quite happily in a close to home university! Some grandchildren will quite amicably follow the lead that their parents guide them towards and others will listen and then make their own decisions and can’t be persuaded to change their minds. After sitting on the sidelines and watching this scenario play itself out over many years and four times over with our four eldest grandchildren I have just come to the conclusion it depends on the nature of the children !

escaped

Our DS1 was very self-contained, and didn't want any help. I tried to give him some tips for French and German speaking, (I'm fluent and translated for the European Police as a job), but he told me the words didn't say the same at his school! 🤣

I helped DD with Maths homework when she was struggling (she must have been about 13) by showing her the simpler method I was taught. At Open Evening the teacher said "All the right answers, all the wrong method, Mrs W".

Is there a wrong method if the answer is correct - and it was simpler?

As a retired teacher, I feel the blame should be placed both on parents and on teachers.

It was surely our job to teach children and teenagers to accept more and more responsibility for getting their work done?

However, in the latter years of my teaching career, it was borne in on me, that modern parents don' t see things that way.

They feel they have to coddle their youngsters, and practically do the work for them. In my time, I have had tactfully to tell mothers that they are doing 16 year olds no favour by correcting and practically re-writing their children's essays!

"Oh, but we want them to do well in their exams." was the response I received.

"So, do I, but they cannot possibly do so, if you write their essays for them, as you cannot sit the exam for them- read their homework by all means, and point out where it needs more attention,b ut don't do it for them"

So, if you are a crabby old bat, then I am a crappit old bat too.

No, Luckygir13, I don't think that you're being a COB at all! You're simply expressing what a lot of us "seniors" think - that many children of today are molly-coddled to the extent of not being able to do much for themselves. IMO it's all about having a sense of "balance" as a parent. Yes, be supportive, but avoid "spoon-feeding" and being a "helicopter" parent. Children need to learn to take responsibility for the things they have/do, from an early age. (As an example: I'm always shocked to come across parents who still prepare their children's packed lunches - when those children are teenagers and can perfectly well do this task.) It does a child no favours to wait on them, hand & foot!

Grannylynj has helpful added to my vocabulary….I hadn’t heard that expression. I’ll drop it into a message with my DD’s at some point…

Our DS1 was very self-contained, and didn't want any help. I tried to give him some tips for French and German speaking, (I'm fluent and translated for the European Police as a job), but he told me the words didn't say the same at his school! 🤣

Oh wait you haye so many important things to do

Please go ahead and report me. Make my day

It reminds me of that song "And her Mother came too" 😁

No I was too embarrassed to take it would not have been a good start lol!!!

lindiann

I went for a job interview years ago in the 80's. My Dear Mother had answered the phone and told me they had rung and the time. The interviewer informed me that My Dear Mother had told him my entire life history on the phone. Never been more embarrased.

Did you get the job, lindiann
😃

I went for a job interview years ago in the 80's. My Dear Mother had answered the phone and told me they had rung and the time. The interviewer informed me that My Dear Mother had told him my entire life history on the phone. Never been more embarrased.

No you're not a crabby old bat - well done zipping your lip.

We didn't get involved in our daughters' schooling after age of learning number tables, spelling words, and memory verses. I've no idea if our daughters hover over revision timetables, I suspect not.

Mollygo

My mum, all those years ago, insisted on revision being done at the table where she could keep an eye on us. She’d also ask for a book and do random questions, or vocabulary tests.
We were there for our children, but my only attempt a ‘helicoptering’ was when DD’s coursework involved carrying out a questionnaire she’d had to devise which meant questioning random strangers in the town centre.
I was ordered to “stay in the café and stop hovering”.
Oh and yes, we did drop her off at Uni, because we had a car. I’m sure my parents would have done if they’d been able to.

There was no tv allowed on until I'd done my homework. We had a very small house with no central heating in those days!

I was ordered to “stay in the café and stop hovering”. 😁

I remember typing up a couple of essays for my DD's coursework and woe betide me if I suggested some small change to the wording would make it flow better.
"This is my coursework, not yours, Mum, and that's what I want to say!"

Parents were invited to the University for a welcome chat, but all together, we didn't hover more than we were expected to.

I think with the next generation it's even more difficult because we need to remain hands-off. It's between them and their parents even if we feel we could be terribly helpful!

Well I helped both my grandsons to improve written English and supported them with books and materials for their practical work. Both have done well.