Maternal grandparents vs. paternal grandparents

If it makes someone feel better……
I am the maternal grandparent. And I feel rather sad today. My granddaughter has just been offered a fantastic job, her first job. She did not inform me. She rang her paternal grandparents to give them the good news. It was my daughter (her mum) who rang me with the news. I suppose it doesn’t really matter who gave me the news but I just felt a bit left-out.
I know she is very special to her paternal grandparents because there are no girls in their family. It is what it is. I must accept where I stand in the pecking order.
Judithjack - I understand how you feel

It’s really tough feeling left out, but you're definitely not alone. A lot of grandparents go through this. Hang in there, your bond will grow with time.

Whoops I didn’t mean to quote j52

Not a problem Iam64

I wish the OP would come back to clarify a few things. I found her initial pist a bit confusing about how much visiting was going on.

It sounded manic to me.

My DD's inlaws are 10yrs younger than me, a couple, recently retired, have plenty of space and our DGC are their first. So it's a no-brainer although sometimes when DD is rude to me which has happened I asked if she spoke to her DMiL the way she spoke to me?
Of course not! She snapped.
So I suppose I should be grateful 😅

OP, I think you should leave it alone. You see them now as it is and hopefully you can relax with it and let it flow. Bringing it up to them, imo, will put a cloud over the visits you do have and could very well put a bit of a wedge between them. Once said, you can't get it back.

Regarding the old saying, I don't see it as a hard and fast rule, just an observation. I have 5 brothers and 4 sisters. In every single case, the men spent more time with the wife's family and the women with their own. But there were never hard feelings about it, everyone got along.

I remember hearing many years ago that in American Indian tribes, if a man married a woman from another tribe, he always left his own tribe and went with hers. It was understood that women functioned better within their own.

I think all the saying means is that daughters tend to be closer to their own mothers than their MIL's. Something you don't tend to get the other way round. I know it was for me and we veered towards my parents, as opposed to my in-laws. Our daughter is the same, our son and DIL, see more of her parents than they do of us. Nothing sinister about that, she just understandably prefers her own Mum.

The 'versus' in your title tells me all I need to know. It isn't a competition. Enjoy the time you spend with them.

I have no sons but was much closer to my mother in law than my husband was, and he was an only child.
My big family includes one family closer to me, one equally close to her in laws, one much closer to her in laws and one daughter but not her partner who is close to me.
These things arrange themselves, I don’t think you can or should change them.

Every family is different, I have 3 daughters, they all married and lived closer to MILs and it was they that had the lions share of grandchild contact for simple practical convenience.
As it happened my wife was not bothered either way, daughters were happy, no reason to rock the boat, everyone was sociable at family gatherings.

The OP should accept the situation as it is

Whoops I didn’t mean to quote j52

J52

nanaK54

JamesandJon33

What is the saying ? Your son is your son ‘till he gets him a wife. Your daughter is your daughter all of your life .
Wisewordsfrom someone

I can't tell you just how much I loathe that saying.
Pretty bloomin' hurtful too to mothers of sons.
Has certainly not been my experience.

Completely agree nanaK54. Dreadful saying, not wise at all. Probably thought up by a mother of daughters to keep control of her daughters.
To answer the OP, over time your granddaughter will develop her own relationship with you. In my experience, it’s who you are and how you relate to her that builds the bonds, not the frequency of contact.

I dislike these ongoing comparisons between Pat/mat grandparents. It isn’t a competition, don’t make it one

My eldest daughter and I were always very close until she met her husband. Her mother in law told me on first meeting that she did not share her son with anyone, I thought she was joking but she wasn’t and it feels like she has taken my daughter away. We are very much left with the crumbs and I have stopped trying now and accept the situation and grateful for any time we do have with them. My grandchildren are 16 & 20 and have no interest in us either. You cannot keep flogging a dead horse! I have tried a few times over the years to talk to my daughter about the situation but she isn’t interested. She has turned into her mother in law!! I feel very sad as I feel DH and I are laughed at for what and who we are. We live an hour and a half away and the paternal grandparents live two hours away but stay regularly.

I’m in the same boat. I just try and enjoy what time I have with them and to be grateful for that. It does sometimes feel like crumbs though! I wouldn’t mention it though.

Were the other mum’s visits a different day to when you visited originally, i.e. you visited Fridays on your own to help DIL who worked from home?

If so, your post seems to read that other mum now visits the same day as you.

That seems a bit pointless, if she also comes other days.

To be honest, if that’s what’s now happening, I would feel put out. No point in both of you being there at the same time.

Does DIL just like having her mum there most of the time?

For what it's worth, our youngest son's wife has always spent a lot of time with her parents.
Now they are a family of 5 they still do.
We do see them relatively often - but not nearly as much as my daughter-in-law's family.

I didn't expect any changes there (and as someone who's pretty busy I am truly very happy that they have another family to love them).

Maybe you didn't see quite so much of them before?

Once you are an hour away I think you may as well be two (or two and a half) - both families are at a distance so if the mum is doing the organising she's asking her mum because that's her first choice.

You could ask if the mum still would like some help on Fridays?
Is the other grandmother there every Friday?

How often did you see and spend time with them before the baby?

We have continued to see our adult children roughly as often post-baby as we did before.
Maybe that is the key to how often families get to see each other after children come along?

I think you are expecting WAY too much
All that visiting sounds horrendous poor new mum
She asked you to be with her Fridays and that’s what you should do There should be no expectation that you can all ‘visit’ left right and centre
I have to admit I turned to my own Mum for all help and babysitting although I really liked my mum in law, distance (200 miles) , her work load (full time) and her other nearby grandkids (5) took her time so I only visited occasionally but kept fully in touch

Let them live their own life just go when invited and babysit when asked and although it’s fairly natural sit tight on the rivalry
(I too dislike that old saying but it was true for me, my son moved the other side of the world and her parents are in the next street to them 🤣)

* NanaK54* well it has been my experience, somewhat. My DS married into an Asian family. They have taken over completely . Admittedly we live a fair distance away, but his wife’s family ‘expect’ attention and difference from them always .

nanaK54

JamesandJon33

What is the saying ? Your son is your son ‘till he gets him a wife. Your daughter is your daughter all of your life .
Wisewordsfrom someone

I can't tell you just how much I loathe that saying.
Pretty bloomin' hurtful too to mothers of sons.
Has certainly not been my experience.

Completely agree nanaK54. Dreadful saying, not wise at all. Probably thought up by a mother of daughters to keep control of her daughters.
To answer the OP, over time your granddaughter will develop her own relationship with you. In my experience, it’s who you are and how you relate to her that builds the bonds, not the frequency of contact.

I do not understand these grandparental rivalries, or why people keep looking for them and dwelling on them.

My DDiL's mother lives a 5 minute drive away, we live 200 miles away, of course she saw more of DGC when they were young than we did, but we are the best of friends, we stay with her when we visit and holiday together - even without our children and grandchildren.

eazybee

Leave it alone.

I would leave it alone too.

Personally, thankfully, I havent experienced it, but there are some relatively unique reasons.

It does sound like quite a usual situation. Purely going by this site, that is.

nanaK54

JamesandJon33

What is the saying ? Your son is your son ‘till he gets him a wife. Your daughter is your daughter all of your life .
Wisewordsfrom someone

I can't tell you just how much I loathe that saying.
Pretty bloomin' hurtful too to mothers of sons.
Has certainly not been my experience.

It's not a logical or kind statement. False too.

Totally agree nanaK. I don't know who came up with that ridiculous mantra, but it has nothing to do with wisdom. A son doesn't stop being a son just because he gets a wife.

I don't know what's wrong with some of these sons, these children are theirs too and they should want them to know their parents, their paternal GP's too.

Anyway this doesn’t seem to be about not seeing a son. It’s about time with a grandchild.

Seeing a son doesn’t enter into it, so I’m not sure what relevance that saying has .