Stay at Home Mums

Anniebach

Yes, a world away, I would make the same choice now,

I realise I must be old enough to be the mother of some Gransnetters!! 😂

But at least women do have more choices now - and as I said, that's surely something we should all be celebrating?

Yes, a world away, I would make the same choice now,

A world away frm the 1960s and 70s 🙂

Anniebach

Those speaking of their choices were speaking of 2025 ?

I wasn't. Both of my children were born in the 1990s.

Even the 1990s were a world away from the 1960s and 70s!

Those speaking of their choices were speaking of 2025 ?

Mollygo

This thread comes up again and again. M0nica’s point about it being poisonous is accurate because each group seems to feel it has to justify the choice or lack of choice they had in being a SAHM or a working mum and denigrate the other group.

... each group seems to feel it has to justify the choice or lack of choice they had in being a SAHM or a working mum and denigrate the other group.

You're right Mollygo.

I've come to the conclusion that the problem is really because women now have a choice and that whatever women choose to do - regardless of what the issue is - they will be judged by other women and wider society. In a way that men largely are not.

It's usually accepted that men are either great family oriented fathers, or simply father-figures who provide for their families. Because men are not a homogenous group. But the same 'privilege' of individuality is not recognised where women are concerned.

I'm not quite sure where I am going with this but having been both a SAHM and a working-mother, I appreciated the joys of both... so 'hurrah' for SAHMs and for those that work.

What matters is a mother and father united in their endeavour to give their children the love and affection they need, and a secure family-framework in which they can grow up. Regardless of who works and who doesn't.

This thread comes up again and again. M0nica’s point about it being poisonous is accurate because each group seems to feel it has to justify the choice or lack of choice they had in being a SAHM or a working mum and denigrate the other group.

Allsorts daft threads can be quite amusing.

This one is rather poisonous. SAHM's seem to have deep insecurities to be unable to accept that their choice is one of many, most of equal value, and what matters is the welfare of the child and that can be met in so many different ways.

Choosing not to return to the job I loved and staying at home possibly coming to resent my children for that would not have done any of us any favours. They thrived through a combination of nursery and care from their grandparents. We are all different. I'm not judging anyone who chooses to be a stay at home mum - but there's a lot of judgement on here towards those of us who have admitted that wasn't what we chose to do.

Choosing not to leave your children with child care is a
sacrifice !

I am very sad to read how some posters talk about mothers who work.
Choice is an interesting word in this context.
My husband left me for another woman shortly after the birth of my last child. He moved away and took a series of temporary, low paid jobs.
I was glad to have a job which enabled my children to have a home, food, and clothes.
And if we are playing that game, all those children are functioning adults, all graduates, some with post graduate qualifications, in careers, all happily married with children. Perhaps my lovely childminders had some part in their successes.
Their early years were very hard work ..for me. What was the alternative?

Monica if you think thread daft, why bother with it?
I used to love coming home from school and mom being there.
It's a personal decision and in lots of cases it's a financial one.
No one should be made to feel less than they are if tge workmircstay at home. I just know I enjoyed those formative years with mine but we were very hard up but managed.

I'm with you on this, M0nica. I've repeatedly said that I have every respect for mothers who do choose to stay at home with their children - but we're all different and for some of us, that would have been a sacrifice. Is it really so hard for some people to accept that? It doesn't mean we love our children any less - and you are spot on that men do not get judged in the same way, even now in 2025.

No not how I see it Anniebach, but the message I get from reading SAHM posts on this thread.

If you haven't got the message from my posts on this thread that I think this whole thread is daft. What is best for children is widely varying in this country and in cultures all around the world. It is up to each family to decide works best for them.

I have been both, a stay at home parent and a working mother. That worked for me and I make no judgement on those who did things differently.

It is the way the SAHM's seem to think because they SAH, this makes them virttuous above all others that sticks in my throat,

Quote M0nica Sun 08-Jun-25 19:18:26
I am trying to imagine a men's forum where the members competed to decide who was the most self sacrificing and noble father, and anyone who worked at a career was seen as failing as a man and a father.

MOnica is this how you see mothers who want to stay with their children ? , you are so wrong, I didn’t work when our children were small , self sacrificing ? No, it was joyful certainly no sacrifice , you have such sad thoughts of choosing to stay with your children.

It all sounds such a terrible struggle. I had no desire to have children but somehow my husband persuaded me that one might be OK. I am not career minded either so although I had a high flying job in the City of London, I was hoping to escape somehow.
In order to make that escape, I started my own business well before it’s time, a dating agency in the 80’s when it was considered shameful. During labour I worked queuing at the post office to send my many members their monthly list of hopeful matches. Three days later I was back at work with our lovely son next to me. Eventually I sent him to nursery in a super posh village nearby. He would come home crying every day and he wasn’t the kind to do that. His fun was keeping me awake all night! During the day he was very quiet. I went to the nursery and the owner gave me a plate of congealed roast dinner and in no uncertain terms instructed me to give it him in evening because against her strict rules of eating everything she put in front of them he had dared to say no more as he was a light eater. He’s now 36 and has a managerial job but can’t eat a lot. On his journey, he was a chef in Spain. He was a gym manager and a qualified nutritionist, none of which held his interest for long. Should mention that he never returned to the nursery. She was like something from Matilda.

I regarded looking after my family as a full-time job and one that I was so happy to do. They are children for such a short time and we wanted them to remember that I was there to support them. Obviously, not everyone is
fortunate enough to be able to do that.

I stayed home until my youngest was seven but I had four children close in age and they were certainly a full time job.
My children went back to full time paid jobs when each baby was a year old and their lives have been frenzied, stress-filled, non-stop hard work. Compared to how mine were brought up my grandchildren have been quite neglected and deprived. They know no different and their parents have no choice, they all have to work full-time.

I am trying to imagine a men's forum where the members competed to decide who was the most self sacrificing and noble father, and anyone who worked at a career was seen as failing as a man and a father.

Yet this is what this thread is doing for women. It is not as if there is any correlation between the 'success' of adult children (however one defines it) and the lifestyle of the majority of parents when the children are young, whether they work or not, what they do, how they care for their children etc etc.

Norah

ViceVersa I haven't made any disparaging remarks about stay-at-home mums. On the contrary, I said I take my hat off to them, because I know how hard a job it is. If you want to stay at home with your children and find that fulfilling, that's great - and I truly mean that. But is it so hard to comprehend that not everyone may feel the same? The main thing, in 2025, is that at least most women do now have that choice - and that's something we should all be celebrating.

The mumsnet poster could add the her cv whilst she stays home. Work from home, volunteer, take classes, she can keep herself current.

No, apparently SAHM just sit at home all day, hovering over their children. 😂

The main thing, in 2025, is that at least most women do now have that choice - and that's something we should all be celebrating.

So why the somewhat disparaging and patronising remarks from some posters who may not have had that choice in the 1960s and 1970s?

I know what it's like to be a SAHM, to work part-time, to work full-time and carry that guilt that you weren't always there when your child needed you even as a teenager. As well as juggling the care of elderly parents. I've experienced all aspects of parenting, including a DH being absent overseas for months with work and being sole carer as well as working.

Sometimes women cannot have it all without ending up frazzled and worn out.

Anniebach

If one’s child is unhappy is one happy ?

A friend used to say that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.

Agree ViceVersa at least most women do now have that choice - and that's something we should all be celebrating.

ViceVersa I haven't made any disparaging remarks about stay-at-home mums. On the contrary, I said I take my hat off to them, because I know how hard a job it is. If you want to stay at home with your children and find that fulfilling, that's great - and I truly mean that. But is it so hard to comprehend that not everyone may feel the same? The main thing, in 2025, is that at least most women do now have that choice - and that's something we should all be celebrating.

The mumsnet poster could add the her cv whilst she stays home. Work from home, volunteer, take classes, she can keep herself current.