Stay at Home Mums

I think one can much more easily now, but in the past a lot of women who would doubtless have been happier working had no choice other than to stay at home looking after their children full time. You only have to read what posters say on here about their mothers to know that’s the case.

One can choose what’s best for one’s child without resentment surely

Anniebach

Surely a choice made is what’s best for my child not what’s best for me

The best choice is surely one that works for everybody - your child, you, and your family? All those factors impact on all your lives. There are so many people on Gransnet who have come from unhappy home lives, and many of them are because their mother has taken out her resentment at her situation on her children.

Surely a choice made is what’s best for my child not what’s best for me

But making the choice between being a working mother or a SAHM has absolutely no bearing on how much you love your children, care about them, are concerned about their welfare or the AC they become.

It is everything to do with the individual, their circumstances, their personality and preferences and what is best for their children.

I was ASAH mum till my first two started school, then I had a part time job working 4 hours each day where I was there to see them off to school and I was home before they were out of school, this suited us ,but it's everyone's choice whether they work after they have children or not..

Casdon

I don’t think there’s any chance of either ‘side’ of this debate fully understanding the perspective of the other ‘side’. Nobody is right or wrong, and it isn’t proven that children have fared better or worse than anybody else’s as a direct result of the choices their mother made- it’s all down to personal choice.

Agreed. There is no universal right or wrong, merely that which is best for the individual parents. Down to choices.

I think you are right M0nica. It is a combination of factors. My two sisters and I, with the same background, have led entirely different lives, because we took different opportunities, different life events affected us, and we made different choices.

I always believe that we cannot control events but we can decide our own responses to them. Given exactly the same set of events background etc, 2 different people will respond entirely differently to them.

All our lives, all our decisions are based on the events in our life.

Mollygo

Personal choice -made on the basis of different circumstances is never the same thing.
Sometimes what you have to do isn’t a choice.

Sometimes what you have to do isn’t a choice.

Yes. Everyone's circumstances are unique and dictate the limits of their choices.

Personal choice -made on the basis of different circumstances is never the same thing.
Sometimes what you have to do isn’t a choice.

Casdon

I don’t think there’s any chance of either ‘side’ of this debate fully understanding the perspective of the other ‘side’. Nobody is right or wrong, and it isn’t proven that children have fared better or worse than anybody else’s as a direct result of the choices their mother made- it’s all down to personal choice.

I agree with much of your post except it's not always down to personal choice..

I don’t think there’s any chance of either ‘side’ of this debate fully understanding the perspective of the other ‘side’. Nobody is right or wrong, and it isn’t proven that children have fared better or worse than anybody else’s as a direct result of the choices their mother made- it’s all down to personal choice.

kittylester

Beechnut

I was a SAHM until our daughter went to uni and then did part time temping jobs. My mum was unavailable for childcare as she worked and my mother in law died not long after we married. I was around for school help outs and ferrying several children to various things etc. As well as that I was also around for my very elderly father in law for doctors and hospital visits etc.

This - I have been a SAHM since we got married. We had a full set of elderly relatives needing support. I have also been available to stand in if any of DH's staff have been ill. And, I was able to volunteer at various things. We have 5 children.

Nice meet you.

We had full sets of elderly grandparents, parents, and other relatives. I had 8 pregnancies, 4 live births. I care for my husband's business receipts, occasionally make his bids, volunteer. Plenty to occupy my time.

MOnica you haven’t been asked to justify your life decisions,
I for one am not the slightest interested

M0nica

ViceVersa

And yet, there are plenty of us whose children went to nurseries/childminders from an early age and yet still have good careers and stable adult relationships. Are you suggesting that only those who stayed at home with their children were 'good parents'?

This has been suggested again and again and again, without any evidence to support the contention.

I can see no reason why I should have to justify my life decisions to such a group of closed minded, value signallers. Left to them women would all be Stepford wives.

But you have said you stayed at home for the early years then went back to work
Perhaps I misunderstood.

I believe children thrive best with plenty of good healthy neglect, not constant minute supervision.
That's an attack on SAHMs in fact, because being a SAHM, even just for the early years, does not mean helicopter parenting or becoming a Stepford Wife.

ViceVersa

And yet, there are plenty of us whose children went to nurseries/childminders from an early age and yet still have good careers and stable adult relationships. Are you suggesting that only those who stayed at home with their children were 'good parents'?

This has been suggested again and again and again, without any evidence to support the contention.

I can see no reason why I should have to justify my life decisions to such a group of closed minded, value signallers. Left to them women would all be Stepford wives.

Beechnut

I was a SAHM until our daughter went to uni and then did part time temping jobs. My mum was unavailable for childcare as she worked and my mother in law died not long after we married. I was around for school help outs and ferrying several children to various things etc. As well as that I was also around for my very elderly father in law for doctors and hospital visits etc.

This - I have been a SAHM since we got married. We had a full set of elderly relatives needing support. I have also been available to stand in if any of DH's staff have been ill. And, I was able to volunteer at various things. We have 5 children.

And yet, there are plenty of us whose children went to nurseries/childminders from an early age and yet still have good careers and stable adult relationships. Are you suggesting that only those who stayed at home with their children were 'good parents'?

I stayed at home with my 3 until the youngest was 7 ie for 13 years and I would not have missed any of that precious time. I gave them a good start to life, went on walks and picnics and so on. No nurseries, no childminders, just good parenting

Result is 3 stable AC in good marriages and with professional careers. My own career took a battering but so what.

Living in Mid Wales in the 70’s, my daughters didn’t attend nursery classes or spend time with childminders, they had five cousins the same age so we met together several times a week,
a play group in the Church was fun. I loved those years , don’t understand what women’s liberation had to do with my decision I had choices , I chose to spend those few years with them and loved it.

My brother attended nursery in the mornings from 1967 until her started school, so there were definitely some services available. My daughter started nursery in 1990, and breakfast club, after school club and holiday provision for school age children were all available and established then in mid Wales, so as we aren’t in a metropolis’s here I would say they were widely available 35 years ago. One of my sisters was also a childminder, in the early eighties, and she was always in great demand. I think the demand was driven by women who wanted to work from 1960s onwards - women’s liberation.

M0nica

I never felt remotely guilty about working. I balanced work and running a family. people forget children are not hanging off your apron strings needing constant sueprvision every second for 18 years. Bt the time they are three or four they quite often enjoy downtime playing quietly on their own. I had a working mother myself and it never bothered me. If I needed her, she was there.

My DM and I both shared the experience that the only time we were wanted and weren't there, we were not working, my DM was out shopping and I was driving to my PiL's to collect them for a stay with us.

I believe children thrive best with plenty of good healthy neglect, not constant minute supervision.

You're describing what many of us did years ago.

Being a SAHM, although Always Out With The Children seems a better description than the image that Stay at Home conjures up of stagnating at home, bored stiff!
Then, when the children were settled in school, re-entering the world of work or retraining for a new career.

It's interesting to note that there were no Breakfast Clubs, After-School Clubs or even nurseries many years ago. Has the need for two parents to work driven this demand or have these facilities becoming available enabled women to go back to work full-time after maternity leave?

You're definitely not the only one who finds that kind of reaction unsettling. I totally agree with you. Real empowerment is about having options. If a woman chooses to take a few years off to raise her children, and she’s in a secure position to do so, that’s just as valid as staying in the workforce. It’s frustrating how quickly people jump to worst-case scenarios instead of trusting other women to make the right choice for themselves. Thank you for speaking up. This kind of perspective really matters.

I never felt remotely guilty about working. I balanced work and running a family. people forget children are not hanging off your apron strings needing constant sueprvision every second for 18 years. Bt the time they are three or four they quite often enjoy downtime playing quietly on their own. I had a working mother myself and it never bothered me. If I needed her, she was there.

My DM and I both shared the experience that the only time we were wanted and weren't there, we were not working, my DM was out shopping and I was driving to my PiL's to collect them for a stay with us.

I believe children thrive best with plenty of good healthy neglect, not constant minute supervision.