Stay at Home Mums

Stillness

What strikes me here is the sheer amount of money being earned. Often insufficient money is given as the reason for both parents to work. Here, this doesn’t apply and just supports my suspicion that many people sadly, just don’t want to be at home with their young child. It’s such a shame.

Why is it a shame? If I said it was a shame that people who stayed at home were over invested in their children and didn’t let them go, expecting far too much in return when their children were adults, would that be a shame too? I don’t believe that by the way, but it’s an example of the opposite of what you said. Stop doing down women who make different, equally valid choices please.

Moii

So the nursery staff are insane making a poor career choice singing wiggly worm songs, maybe they're not good enough to look after your child but if you won't do it!

No one has said that, but we all have different talents and skills, you wouldn't enter a cart horse into the Grand National, nor would you harness a race horse in a cart.

I grew up with a mother who stayed home when we were small and returned to work when we went to school, I cannot say it ever bothered me. I had loving and caring parents and that was all that mattered. I did much the same. My son and DiL , have mixed and matched being at home and sending their children to nursery.

Lets face it in the past, the well off employed nursemaids, nannies and governesses while the poor delegated the care of young children to slightly older children because women needed to work, as well as men to save the family from starvation.

How we parent,what we do and how we do it is a matter of personal choice and personal preference. Providing the children grow up loved and secure and able to function happily in adult life, what more is necessary.

My DD always wanted to stay at home but sadly they couldn't afford it, so she works 4 days and i have my gd and gs after school those days.
I think she finds it difficult now in school hols as they can drive her potty.
She does love her job but finds work and home life stressful.
She does often say it's easier being at work!

What strikes me here is the sheer amount of money being earned. Often insufficient money is given as the reason for both parents to work. Here, this doesn’t apply and just supports my suspicion that many people sadly, just don’t want to be at home with their young child. It’s such a shame.

I loved being a stay at home mum to my first 3, I started work when the third on was 3, the other two were 9 and 11. With my 4th I went back to work out of necessity at 3 months. I think having the choice is what's important.

I went back to work when my kids were 13 and 11 and did wish I had done it sooner. My confidence had gone completely and my younger coworkers picked up on that and used it to their advantage.
I think staying at home and working part time at least is a sensible idea nowadays. Unfortunately times have really changed and you just cannot rely on husbands/wives/partners to be there long term. It makes me sad as i remember my mother was always at home and it’s a fond memory for me (not many of them)
For me, I had a sudden realisation that if everything went to pot, I was in trouble as everything was in his name and I felt that need for security.

I was doing mums hair the other day (she's 82) and said, "i'd spend more time with you girls, if I could have my time over".

We had (I think) a good childhood and according to today's standards, we lived in poverty! No double glazing or central heating (neither came until the 1990's and I'm the youngest born in 1974). We were healthy though, frost on inside of Windows never mind outside! Once a week baths as long as the fire got the water hot enough!

Walked to school every day, we're rural, school is town, old scrappy bikes that we'd go off on long bike rides around the country lanes (I won't even drive those country lanes these days as folk stick to 60mph mentality!!)

Mum was a farmer and worked from age 14 and she and dad split when i was 3 (probably because I have no memory of them together is the reason why I won't take crap off him, I'll stand up to him, he doesn't like it and will sulk!).

So mum brought us up single handed on hardly any money and worked a hard physical job whilst keeping us 4 fed and warm (£20 a week off dad didn't help much neither did the child benefit off the state for 4 children).

She helped my sister by being a full time carer to her 1st grandchild 30 years ago but then realised when the 2nd one came, she couldn't do it (well done to all of you who look after your grandchildren!!)

Mum worked and has said many times, she worked because she HAD to and knowing how much debt she was left in (not her fault either) I can understand it. Only now, when she's at the stage she is of her life, she has regrets!

I think if ANY mum CAN afford (without state help) to stay at home and be a full time mum then do it, but not if the taxpayer is going to have to foot the bill. My niece has an almost 3 year old and says money wise, they can afford a 2nd or her to stay at home, but she doesn't want to do either as she loves her job and she says family dynamics at the moment are perfect, mum, dad, kid & dog! That and they have a caravan and go On holiday frequently in it!

Agree! I would have stayed at hime with my 2 if we could have afforded it. She can so no one else's business! I think it's a case of envy!

Madmeg But each to their own, quite rightly.

Agreed, there is no universal right or wrong. Each family must make their own way. The tedious arguments to not SAHM are often unkind.

I stayed away from full time work until mine were older. I did home typing, worked in M&S of an evening and weekends, then once they went to school found jobs that allowed me the holidays off. Only once they were older did I focus on me and retrained and belatedly started a worthwhile career. It worked for us because when I was at work DH looked after the kids. I was lucky in retrospect that I didn’t have to work full time but my eldest DD does and pays out astronomical amounts in childcare in order to do so. We don’t live nearby so can’t pick up the slack. I know she is constantly juggling to fit her demanding full time job in around picking them up from daycare.

Thank God (or whoever) that my DH didn't wish to have "his own money" cos there would have been none left at the end of the week, despite him being pretty well paid! I managed it all for the benefit of us all.

Mumsnet is, sadly, full of women whose marriages have failed so the need to have your own finances has proved to be paramount. In 1970 it wasn't the norm. "Career Women" - as my DM called me when I hadn't presented her with a grandchild by the age of 25 - were still something of a novelty.

I married at 20 having left school at 16, despite being top of the class. It was expected in working-class families. After marrying I decided to train as an Accountant and it took 7 years, when I then had my first DD. I was in a very good job as Chief Accountant in an International Advertising Agency (think "A secure home for your money with Bradford and Bingley" and the Dulux Dog). I never intended to go back into the job but I managed to do two evenings a week teaching Accounting an Night School to middle-aged women who wished to get into the job market again. I loved it. When DH came home from work he was handed the baby and off I went!

When DD2 came along we were short of bedrooms so we moved, but it was a scary mortgage for us. I remember saying that we would not be able to afford to replace any of the carpets or eat meat again!! But I started to take on private clients and when the girls were at playschool/primary school and other mums did part-time work we took it in turns to have 4 kiddies once a week. We also did favours in picking them up from school.

That was my working life till my youngest was 11. And by then, we DID have new carpets and DID afford to eat meat, and even had an extension built.

Had we based our lives on the assumption that we would split up, I am certain that our girls would not be as stable, loving and successful as they are. But then, had my marriage failed (there is something to be said for sticking it out rather than ditching your partner at the first argument), I would have lived comfortably in a flat rather than my 5-bed detached, and got on with it.

Of course I believe that people should make their own choices in life and nobody has the perfect plan. Both my DDs are the chief breadwinners in their marriages (or were, cos my eldest has just been served with her redundancy notice). Only the eldest has children (now teens) and though they went to nursery it wasn't full time. Both sets of GPs had them a day each, for some years DD only worked 4 days a week, later it was term time only, it all worked very well.

But each to their own, quite rightly.

I had three boys in four years. I stayed at home to look after them from choice. We lived on a very tight budget for many years, holidays were a week in my brother-in-law's home in the country, but I was so happy and never bored, neither were my two friends who lived close by. I returned to work part time 9 - 1.00 when the youngest was 7. I wanted to be at home when the children arrived from school. Happy days.

I stayed at home because we agreed that my salary would be used entirely to pay for nursery fees. The argument was that we didn’t see why pay for someone else to bring up our child/ren.
We were never well off, but had enough + plenty ofvtim3 fo4 our children.
At the time, the eldest used to worry about the fancy clothes and holidays especially that “everyone” has. DH’a comment was” you haven’t seen their bank balance”! He was a banker…
Now, they all agree that it was an excellent decision.
Incidentally, the “kept woman” comment is a joke. And if asked what I did, I’d reply that I worked very hard indeed for very long hours. The sneers I received when told I was a SAHM were very hurtful.

Moii

So the nursery staff are insane making a poor career choice singing wiggly worm songs, maybe they're not good enough to look after your child but if you won't do it!

Who suggested that? I certainly didn't. I have every respect for anyone who chooses childcare (of any kind) as a career. It's a vital and very worthwhile job and I was very grateful to the lovely nursery staff who looked after my children (and my GS) both at their private nurseries and at the school nursery too.

So the nursery staff are insane making a poor career choice singing wiggly worm songs, maybe they're not good enough to look after your child but if you won't do it!

If the mother can stay at home and her partner can pay her a full salary as a housekeeper, plus pension yes but this cannot be done.
These days no one can read the future, as you can see on MN, couples that are married for 20+ years, are all of a sudden upended. The SAHM are not only worse off monetary but also their security is in question, while bringing up the couple’s children, they have to move homes etc. Also we mustn’t forget retirement, their pension is a lot lower.
There is no respect given to SAHM, the partner goes off with OW starts a new family and of course there is no money, except for pittance, for the first set of children. It’s called ‘that’s life’ and they have to accept their lot.

Had to google SAHM - thought it was some new well paid career 🤣

Luckygirl3

I am intrigued as to whether those who chose career over staying at home with their children (rather than for financial reasons) ever feel sad to have missed out on being around for those precious first years. This is not a value-loaded question - all choices are valid - I am just wondering whether this is something that is a problem. I know of mothers who had to be at work when theirs were little who now, as grandparents, are especially pleased to be able to spend lots of time with their grandchildren.

Such difficult choices.

Sadly financial considerations often dictate these decisions. Some young mums I know are meeting themselves coming back and feel they cannot do justice to either role, partly because of time constraints and partly through sheer exhaustion.

Not me, I would have been climbing the walls as a full time mum, and when I became pregnant I knew that I wanted to return to work. I made a conscious choice, not for financial reasons, and it was the right one for both my children and me. My children were happy, they were confident and outgoing with lots of friends, I was happy because I enjoyed my career and the time spent with my children was focussed on them.

My husband died when my youngest was nine, and I really thanked my lucky stars then that I had continued my career, because otherwise we could not have maintained our lifestyle. I can honestly say I’ve got no regrets at all.

Luckygirl3

I am intrigued as to whether those who chose career over staying at home with their children (rather than for financial reasons) ever feel sad to have missed out on being around for those precious first years. This is not a value-loaded question - all choices are valid - I am just wondering whether this is something that is a problem. I know of mothers who had to be at work when theirs were little who now, as grandparents, are especially pleased to be able to spend lots of time with their grandchildren.

Such difficult choices.

Sadly financial considerations often dictate these decisions. Some young mums I know are meeting themselves coming back and feel they cannot do justice to either role, partly because of time constraints and partly through sheer exhaustion.

I can only speak for myself, but no, I don't feel I missed out anything. I did lots of activities with both of my children on the days when I wasn't at work, and even on the days when I was working, I was usually home in time to give them their dinner, bathtime, bedtime stories and so on. They both absolutely thrived in the nursery environment too. When they weren't at nursery, they spent time at both grannies' houses - and even now, they remember those days very fondly.
Don't get me wrong, I don't for one minute regret having my children, but I loved my job too and I honestly believe they were happier with a happy mum who juggled her career and her family than one who would have struggled to be at home with them 24/7 (I'm talking about the pre-school years here) and maybe even become resentful because of that.
I was never cut out to be a stay-at-home mum, and I admire those who do, honestly, because I know how hard it is. I knew my own limitations and was honest enough to admit that.

Magenta8

SporeRB A few of them hired live maids when the children were very young.
Better than hiring dead maids I suppose.

I asked my sisters and they all confirmed that their maids were indeed living maids and not dead ones ha ha ha

Luckygirl3

No.

I am suggesting that singing with children should not be seen as below someone with intelligence!

Has anyone suggested it isn't? I ooved everything I did with my children,singing dancing,reading counting cuddling, bathing feeding, playing. But, with the best will in the world none of these activities are intellectually strenuous, and yes I often felt that I was going around, mentally, with blinds half down. That is not the same thing as thinking that such activities were below me.

In my case I balanced this with studying for further qualifications and then under taking academic studies.

I am intrigued as to whether those who chose career over staying at home with their children (rather than for financial reasons) ever feel sad to have missed out on being around for those precious first years. This is not a value-loaded question - all choices are valid - I am just wondering whether this is something that is a problem. I know of mothers who had to be at work when theirs were little who now, as grandparents, are especially pleased to be able to spend lots of time with their grandchildren.

Such difficult choices.

Sadly financial considerations often dictate these decisions. Some young mums I know are meeting themselves coming back and feel they cannot do justice to either role, partly because of time constraints and partly through sheer exhaustion.

SporeRB A few of them hired live maids when the children were very young.
Better than hiring dead maids I suppose.

Sorry, I meant live in maids.

5 years is a long time to be out of the workforce especially for someone who worked at such a senior level earning 85k pa.

If she were to re-enter the workforce 5 years later, she may have to start from the bottom and work her way up again. Plus, marriage breakdown is very high in this country.

I don’t think the other mumnetters are jealous because this lady has the privilege of being a SAHM, they are just being realistic.

I work fulltime without a break and the same goes with my sisters living overseas, a few of them hired live maids when their children were very young. Our children all turned out to be well adjusted adults.

All of us retire early in our late fifties/early sixties.