Stay at Home Mums

I always thought the point of women's lib was about choice but if you are pressured to 'choose' your career over childcare then you are not liberated. Personally I think that ideally one parent should stay at home in the early years- not necessarily the mum. I agree that all women should have a financial back up plan.

We were in the Middle East when ours were small, dh working long hours in a demanding job. There was no option but for me to stay at home with dds - childcare was just not available, unless you imported a nanny from somewhere else - which just wouldn’t have been possible - no space in the house and dh’s co. would not have sponsored anyone.

Quite a few of us were in the same position, though, so I was quite happy being at home with them. I didn’t go back to work until the younger started school, but it was strictly part-time, to fit.

I truly wish I could have been a SAHM.

This Mum should follow her heart and do what is best for her and her family, I can only conclude the other Mum’s don’t have such easy choices.

I have never found either my own or other people’s little ones “mind-numbing”

These days people are very,very lucky if they can look after children and own a house on just one income. At least we had a choice. I worked part time sometimes, other times full time.At a time when a few of them were attending private schools I had 3 jobs, husband had 2 . Boy was it worth it, though, looking back. That’s us,though. We are all different.

Yes - when I was back at work part time my DDs had a Daddy Day - his day off when he looked after them. I did not enquire too closely as to what went on, but suspect chocolate was involved!

Coming home from school when I was young, I would turn into our road, and see my Mum’s head leaning out of the window of our top-floor flat watching for me! I found that really comforting.
The strange thing is, when I grew up, we didn’t have that close a relationship. Looking back, I find that strange.
I did treasure the fact that she was a SAHM , but I’m not sure she did!
When I got married and had my own children, I didn’t work outside the home. We were broke, but we were determined the children would come home to a house with mum in it, and not an empty one. I was lucky in that a friend had a business and offered me a Saturday job, when my husband could have the children. It was good for me not to waste my brain, and my husband enjoyed having his girls to himself. He would take them out on adventures which would have I been totally ruined had I been there because I would have been terrified they would hurt themselves. He also took them clothes shopping when they were teenagers! Can’t see that happening today! The girls would say that he would pick something off the rails, they would roll their eyes, he would ask them to try it on anyway, and it invariably became a favourite item of clothing!
When both daughters got married, they specifically asked their dad to come with us when we went to choose their dresses. I think those times with their Dad were the reason they continued to be exceptionally close for all his life.

Perhaps there are concerns about pension rights for SAHM?

I was lucky to be able to carry on singing professionally after having children as DH would arrive home and take over in the evening or weekends plus support generally. I didn’t travel abroad for my career or teach part time until they were older.

I loved having children and have no regrets even though I might have had a larger career without them.

I’m not domesticated and not all women are suited to being solely a homemaker (the term which took over from housewife…) I know men better fitted for the job and a musician cousin stayed at home child rearing, cooking etc through long lean patches while his wife ‘worked’. Temperamentally more suited to it than I was in fact. Child rearing is work of course.

I’m reminded of an aunt who fell into a severe depression at home and was advised by her doctor to get a job outside the home. My mother, her sister and most of the women I knew then stayed at home whether they wanted to or not (1950s).
They had enjoyed war work and my mother certainly felt confined, although a good mother.

The automatic assumption that being at home is wrong is misplaced, a blanket view applied to everyone.
I often pop into Mumsnet and enjoy it, even if I’m sometimes taken aback!

I don't have children, but when we got a dog I retired to have fun with her. Going to work (which I'd previously adored) seemed a bore when I realised I could be out in the hills and on the beach with my pup.

If we'd have had children and were fortunate enough for me to be at home with them I would have done so. It's for such a brief spell I'd have wanted to revel in every minute of it. That said, I can really see it's not for everyone and not everyone is lucky enough to have the choice.

I worked as a f/t Mum until my youngest was 6 then started a business with 2 friends which allowed us each at least 3 free days per week. I had no family nearby to help. Being with my children mostly 24/7 was my job which I loved. End of. We all decide what is best for us and our family and I was never criticised for opting to stay with my children and not work. My DH was happy, the children were happy and so was I.

keepingquiet

I don't understand rich peple. I stayed home after my children were born and we were dirt poor. In the end I had to go back to work. If I had had the choice I would have waited a little longer...

Huh? You've lost me there.

Cabbie did in her post yesterday @ 22.28 ViceVersa; it was part of that post that Luckygirl quoted.

I don't understand rich peple. I stayed home after my children were born and we were dirt poor. In the end I had to go back to work. If I had had the choice I would have waited a little longer...

Casdon

Being a mum is the most important job in the world, but you do not need to do it full time to raise happy, well balanced and much loved children. I wish people would stop implicitly criticising today’s mothers for making different choices to the ones they made themselves. There is not one ‘right’ way to do it, the children of working mothers are not inferior on any way to other children, and nor are their mothers.

Well said! We are not all the same - what is right for one mum may not be right for another. The most important thing, as far as I am concerned, is that women now have choices - whether to have children at all, whether to return to work if they do have children or whether to stay at home with their children. Stop judging those who made a different choice from you.

Being a mum is the most important job in the world, but you do not need to do it full time to raise happy, well balanced and much loved children. I wish people would stop implicitly criticising today’s mothers for making different choices to the ones they made themselves. There is not one ‘right’ way to do it, the children of working mothers are not inferior on any way to other children, and nor are their mothers.

Luckygirl3

The mumsnet makes me feel sad that parenting is held in such poor esteem.

One reason why I (briefly) peeked into Mumsnet and straight out again is that I do not believe we can apply our own experience of childcare and early motherhood 40+ years down the line.
There are some things that my DDS do or did as young mums which I did not necessarily agree with, although I have always admired them as mothers (home births, hypnobirthing, co sleeping, baby led weaning etc) . There was also much that they do or did which I fully support.
But times change and what applied in our day does not necessarily apply now.
Being a SAHM can be desperately lonely if most of your peers return to their careers and modern house prices seem to be predicated on two salaries especially in the SE.
If I am typical, we mostly “juggled” jobs and childcare, often settling for part time or less demanding roles on the basis that DH was the higher earner and breadwinner. DHs were often much less “hands on” than our sons or sons-in-law today as well.
Many of us returned to full time work as the children grew up but it was often still a case of trying not to drop the spinning plates with after school commitments, school holidays, childhood illnesses or one’s own or DH’s health.
Did we get it right?
Each can only answer for herself but it is undeniable that sacrifices were made all along the line.
So that is why I find Mumsnet irrelevant to me and TBH my opinions irrelevant to Mumsnet.

I don't care for the 'stay-at-home-mum' label. I considered myself a 'full-time Mum'. It is the most important job in the world and I still have the old-fashioned view that a child's formative years are best spent with a parent. I think it is sad that looking after your own child is somehow looked down upon. It's wrong to push Mums into careers. I wouldn't have missed those first steps and first words for anything.

Luckygirl3

No.

I am suggesting that singing with children should not be seen as below someone with intelligence!

I don't think anyone suggested that.

No.

I am suggesting that singing with children should not be seen as below someone with intelligence!

Allira

Luckygirl3

I do remember thinking how crazy it was, when our children were toddlers, that intelligent women were reduced to singing inane action songs about wiggly worms at playgroup.

I would quibble the word reduced!

Singing with little children is a joy and a fascinating stage in their brain development.

Yes, what a strange way to look at it!

This is what intelligent mothers do.

Are you suggesting that those who choose not to do that are NOT intelligent?

When I had my first child, every young mum on my road was a SAHM, it seemed to be the done thing at the time. It's a different world now. My daughter was quite happy to get back to work, but my DIL would have loved to be a SAHM.

The mumsnet makes me feel sad that parenting is held in such poor esteem.

I loved being at home with my children, sadly I had to go out to work when the youngest was 3 but only part time

During my years as a childminder from 2003 until 2015 I enjoyed every minute. I look at the adults those children have now become and I am so proud of the input I had in their early years.
Every day was filled with activities and most days we were out and about.
Maybe the term SAHM is the problem, I rarely stayed indoors

In my SAHM years, I neve, ever saw muself as a 'Kept' woman.

I always saw the family unit as just that - a unit to which we all made our contribution. - we had children they needed caring and nurturing, we could have paid for it, or i could do it.

In fact in my case, my DH's work, especially when DC were small, required a lot of travelling often at a few hours notice and for indefinite lengths of time. As a result I was the CEO of the company, or close to being a single mother at times. I cared for the family, looked after the finances, managed everything from holidays to buying and selling property.

I earned my keep, even if I did not earn money. We always saw the income coming into the family as our income.

This continued after I returned to work. If I had put my career and career progression first, I could have gone higher, achieved more, including more pay, but I went far enough to earn a comfortable salary and have a good enough occupational pension and I have never regretted choosing to earn less and have more time at home.

It probably meant my DH could earn more, because he had an efficient adminstration he could trust at home. My DiL has made similar decisions.

I was a very happy SAHM and “kept woman.
What I objected to was being perceived as only able to talk about babies and nappies.
Also, after having been looked down upon, being the first port of call to fetch little Jonny from school, or when school closed because of weather - mum “couldn’t leave work”!