Bully from school

Allira

I hope I'm not going to that social occasion.

It could be fun.

I agree with Kitty and others, ignore her, or greet her graciously, don’t let think she’s been important in your life.
Also remember. She was just a child, no excuses foy bullying ever, but she’s probably a very different person now.

Thistle2016

Oh dear magneta8 I cannot comprehend how you can compare my experiences to yours so please do not do so. My life was destroyed by this individual if anyone has not realised my request it is just that they acknowledge their actions, please read and read again before they reply

Thistle, you are reliving the bully's past agenda.

Their agenda was to control you. You were not destroyed, you are alive, you survived.

You cannot control them. IF you demand they acknowledge or apologise for their behaviour; you're setting yourself up to be on the receiving end of mocking refusal, denial, further hurt and resentment . Once again, Bully rules and you lose.

They had power over you 45 years ago; don't give it back to them. YOU are strong now.

If you want their humble cringing apology written in their tears and blood ; you can have it . It's literally at your fingertips. DIY. Script the ultimate Bully apology in your own words. No holds barred, you're in control. Make them crawl and choke in shame and guilt.

Write it on paper, whatever you want to hear. Sign it from them. Screw it up, set fire to it, throw the ashes in the loo, shit on it, and flush it away.

This time, you got everything your own way. You won.

Thistle for your own sake you really need to find a way to get over this childhood bullying.
I’m sure it was unpleasant for you at the time but honestly, still allowing the memory to dominate your life as an adult is not healthy at all.

Also as others have said it really is not a good idea to confront the woman if you do see her at the social event.

It could well be that she won’t remember you at all which would probably make you feel worse.

TBH, Thistle, I feel psychotherapy would be more helpful for your future wellbeing than a public confrontation with your nemesis.
As others have said, you may spoil someone's special event and where would be the satisfaction in that?

Allsorts

I think you will do exactly what you intend to do regardless of those around you. Do not know why you asked in the first place. Your response says more about you. Just glad it's not my celebration you see attending.

Agreed.

I think you will do exactly what you intend to do regardless of those around you. Do not know why you asked in the first place. Your response says more about you. Just glad it's not my celebration you see attending.

I hope I'm not going to that social occasion.

Thistle2016

Thank you everyone for your response but I am going for my gut response which is to acknowledge her appalling unacceptable behaviour which has impacted on my life and that you have no concept of but are happy to contribute your appalling lack of awareness to - so yay you your to your life !!!

Do what you want to do Thistle2016 . I’m baffled really as to why you posted, because you seem not to like some of the replies advocating caution. Bullying is awful, a lot of us have experienced it, but as I say, do as you wish. Please do not be rude to posters who have offered suggestions. If those suggestions don’t suit, ignore them, but no need to be unpleasant to posters trying to help.

Casdon

By all means if you feel you must, tell her.

I don’t believe it will bring you any satisfaction or closure though, because however she reacts, it will not assuage the hurt and anger which has lived with you for 45 years, nor will it help you to move on, you’ll just be adding another conversation to your memory bank to go over and over in your mind.

I wouldn’t put myself through that, but only you can decide what’s right for you.

Th OP is assuming that the woman who bullied her will give a damn what effect her behaviour had on OP. I suspect her memory will be of a bit of school girl ragging and she will be disregarding of the lifetime effect her behaviour had on you.

I am another who suffered severe bullying at school. In my case because I had a medical condtion and a small group of girls thought it funny to beat me up in a way that aggravated this medical problem.

I have met them as adults and I genuinely think that they actually have little or no memory of what they did to me and if they did, the last thing I am going to do is give them the possible pleasure of knowing that their behaviour affects me still. It doesn't because right from the start I was determined to show them that I was stronger than them, by shrugging off their assaults and taking action that made them less frequent.

If the OP confronts the bully, all she will be doing is giving the bully the opportunity of knowing how effective her bullying was.

Her best policy is to just blank her, not recognise her or remember her if anyone tries to jog her memory.

45 years is a long time to bear a grudge.

Casdon

Why post at all if you don’t want other peoples opinions? You have wasted our time, and your own.

Oh dear, I could have been watching a repeat on TV!!
RTWT first.

Lathyrus3

Please tell me this isn’t somebody’s special occasion……….

😯

Surely not!

Are you meeting her alone for a coffee, Thistle2016, or at an occasion where there will be a lot of people? If you cause a scene, it will be embarrassing and she could be seen as the victim and gain sympathy.
She may even be horrified if she remembers what she was like.

DD found herself working with someone who bullied her when she was about 11 or 12. The girl apologised to DD and said she didn't know why she'd been so horrible. They didn't become good friends but were friendly enough.

You must have moved on- rise above it.

I can understand this is going to be really taxing for you. I was bullied for long periods at infant and junior school and it made my life hell. I started college and noticed a young man keep on glancing across at me in thr canteen several dinnertime. On the third day as I was leaving he followed me and asked whether he could speak privately. He seemed familiar but I couldn't place him, he was one of the bullies! I realised he had got quite red and was shaking. He confirmed my name and then asked my forgiveness. He said he and his friends had deep regrets. They had both been bullied at senior school and suddenly realised how frightening it could be and had both said they would apologise to me if they ever saw me again.
I felt that took tremendous courage and accepted his apology. It couldn't take away those years of misery but realised that it can also affect the bully if they grow up, reflect and regret their decision.
Thinking of you. Let us know how you get on.

If ignoring her would be impossible I’d not go at all.

Do not confront, just ignore her, if you start it she will have the upper hand and honestly you will make a fool of yourself.
I was bullied for a time, I do not give them headspace, and my revenge is how I have done well in my life.
Why rake up old coals, it will not make the past any better.

Thistle2016

When you’ve done what you plan to do, how do you expect to feel?
What will you have achieved for you?

I still remember the names of three girls who made my life a misery at high school, but they haven’t counted in my life since then.
So what would me telling them achieve, especially if it is on a special occasion?

You might spoil the occasion the way you feel they spoiled your life, but you will be seen as being in the wrong.

If they listen to your rant and say something like “Oh I’ve always regretted that. I’m so sorry.”
They’ll look good and you’ll look like someone who tried to spoil things for others. Is that what you want?

If they haven’t changed, they won’t care and you’ll still be looked at as someone who spoiled an occasion.

If they’re liked well enough now to have been invited to this occasion, or for people to attend if it’s their gathering, it seems they have changed.

If you didn’t want advice or comments, why did you post?

I was bullied relentlessly throughout secondary school, both physically, verbally and mentally, by certain individuals and it had such an impact that I left school at 16 rather than carry on through the 6th form as I couldn't cope with it any more. To be fair and balanced, I always knew I didn't want to go to University even though I was more than capable of doing so but I always felt that my choices were heavily influenced by the bullies and taken more through desperation and unhappiness than of my own volition. Do I regret it? No, I went on to live a happy life and have a good career in something I enjoyed immensely.

I was contacted a few years ago by one of the worst bullies via Facebook, who sent a very chatty message and appeared to have totally forgotten than they made my life a misery for so many years. I did reply, something along the lines of, "Yes I remember you very well" and blocked her, and that was it.

I think you are being unrealistic in thinking that your childhood bully will acknowledge what happened long ago, or admit to it. If you expect an apology you are setting yourself up for disappointment, more bitterness and a stirring up of emotions that you do not need. Either take the higher ground and ignore them/treat them as though you vaguely remember them or just don't attend and save yourself all the re-kindling memories that you really need to move on from for your own peace of mind.

Whatever you decide Thistle I wish you well

Why engage and antagonise her?

Hope she's not on Gransnet...otherwise she will be prepared with boxing gloves at the ready.

There are so many ways this could go wrong. You could even make yourself look bad doing it. I think you would be better of ignoring her.

I’m another who advises you not to raise this with the person who bullied you.
It’s a social occasion, organised by someone who presumably hopes those invited will enjoy the event. What right does anyone have to accept the invitation whilst intending to create a scene

You'd obviously made up your mind before you even posted this, and now it seems that you don't like the fact that not everyone agrees with your proposed course of action. Hopefully you will come back and tell us all how it goes.

Why did you ask if you were only wanting to listen to those that agree with you You have already made up your mind as to what you wish to do so I ll wish you good luck but personally I would never give someone the satisfaction of thinking they had broken me I d want to show them that I had been fine despite what they had tried to do but then we are all different
Good luck if you take the route you have decided to take I hope it doesn’t backfire on you