Why is it always me making the invites?

This is a really helpful thread, I do appreciate how honest so many of you are being. It hurts to admit how rebuffed one can feel when you stop contacting someone and they just don't bother.

Polly7 I had similar to you but with a newish friend of a year or two. My husband was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer and she got in touch asking if I didn't want to be her friend any longer - because I hadn't been in touch with her for a couple of weeks! Silly me had done most of the making an effort to meet up but was too busy supporting my husband to remember to arrange a coffee!

The situation deteriorated into her accusing me of all sorts of things which simply weren't true including ignoring her at a meeting. The meeting in question had just started and I had rushed in late! At this point I realised that I had made all the running in the relationship and I stopped it. She didn't get in touch again.

One more example: I am part of a group of 4 who were friends at school, three of us are in a WhatsApp group which the 4th refuses to join as she doesn't have a Smartphone, she doesn't approve of them. She insists that we contact her by landline and she is one of those people who never lets you get a word in edgewise. It's all about her or it's a rant about refugees or the council planting trees or about her health concerns.

The last time we spoke she was taken aback with my news that I was having heart investigations and that one of my daughters was about to present us with our first grandchild. She has three children and three grandchildren and I am always expected to remember the details of their lives but she just said 'oh' and returned to her own concerns.

Just writing this makes me cross. I had a lonely childhood and am not terribly good at making friends but at least I do have a few people who I treasure. The above experiences have made me wary and I have stopped being as friendly and helpful as I used to be.

I am always the one to make the phone calls as friends and family are a long way away. I would love phone calls , just to chat and catch up. I told my cousin I was lonely and she said I could ring her up any time. I don't know what that says about me.

I must admit I was most put out when my friends of 50 years plus had a golden wedding party in June this year and never invited me. Out of all the friends there, I was the only “ girl” to have been at their actual wedding, the others joined out group after. Needless to say I will not bother with them any time soon.

I’ve had the same too. It was always me doing the running. Then one day I sent a text and got no reply.

Seventeen months later… I got a response - but only because she wanted my help with something.

I didn’t bother replying.

I got a ‘send to all - Happy Christmas’ - 2 years later. Again didn't bother.

As others have said, the friendship obviously wasn't that important to her.

Not my loss, I’ve moved forward and have plenty of new friends to meet up and chat with.

Actually, my best friend is a lady I met here on Gransnet a few years ago. Lovely lady, and we often meet up for a few days together. We go out to lunch, dinner, shows and comedy clubs. We’ve been on holiday together.

We chat, we talk serious, put the world to rights, and we moan to each other about our aches and pains!

But mostly, we have a lot of fun, do, and say silly things, and laugh until we cry at times. And to me that’s a proper friendship.

Or, just say 'keep in touch' maybe

...I said to another friend similar after I noticed I was the instigator. I said 'let me know if fancy coffee' whatever
I'm sure she didn't like it but has reciprocated after a few weeks it just says 'Iv got a bad cold ' not to meet up 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Think you're really fortunate if have life long friends. Iv had a big upset and now wonder if I knew her properly at all
True tgat can change with age and circumstances, patience lessons after meno 😊 I keep going over it and want to reach out but she has said things I can't get past which were unfair and untrue
Came out in hives for a few weeks
Really sad there is no one answer, I just wish I could forget it, Heart felt wishes to all who are affected badly
'People!' I think a bit like this now. Which I hate about myself as was always a big forgiver maybe to my detriment

DH meets up with two friends regularly (about every two months) and for the first year or so he was complaining that he was always the one to get in touch. One day he said to them 'Let me know when you want to meet up, you have more on your plates than I do so it's better to let me know when you are free'. He didn't contact them again until one of them texted to say 'How are you fixed for Monday pm?' Since then they all text each other.

Many years ago DH and I wondered why a couple had apparently dropped us. But we continued to keep in contact. Then a few months later we found out that the wife had been weaning herself off anti depressants. So it's not always what you may think.

Afraid I am one of those who doesn't keep in touch as I should. I have a "phone phobia" which I only realised once I retired. I also had a far more demanding job than most, with a daily commute of 95 miles and weekends taken up with admin - never mind the housework and elderly parents!

Even in retirement I am busy busy and now my DH is disabled and needs a lot of care. I've also just spent two years battling cancer.

But I value my long-term friends and hope they will understand.

I'm another who feels uncomfortable having friends in the house. I grew up in a quiet household and never had visitors so didn't learnt the art of entertainment. I was never encouraged to have friends round either so was used to my own company.

So then in childhood/teenage years, as now, it was always me visiting them. If I didn't visit people now I would see no one! They are always pleased to see me and happy that they do not have to make the effort. But it suits me.

I've had friends visit in the past and thought they'd never go. I find that stressful. So I like visiting far more than being visited and try never to outstay my welcome. I know where I stand though but a price worth paying to feel somewhat in control of the situation.

I decided some time ago, that if I was always the first to make contact, I could no longer be bothered to see the person in question. Curiously, the “friendship” fizzled out.

Glad it’s not just me!
I’m no longer that keen on having people over to our house, they always seem to outstay their welcome and I get very fed up with small talk after a while. We have friends who came for dinner and I spent hours making sure everything was as perfect as possible, I was cooking for hours. The meal went well and they said they’d invite us back to their place “soon” for a meal - must be 10 years ago now 😑 This has happened with other friends too.
Makes me reluctant to make any plans to entertain, it’s a lot of work, expensive and doesn’t ever seem to be reciprocated.

I am another who finds having friends visit my house really stressful. I turn myself inside out cleaning absolutely everything (even though the house is reasonably clean normally) and am then exhausted. I worry about the food, the drink, whether I should arrange entertainment, how long they will stay. If they are visiting overnight its even worse. Will I wake them tramping to the loo in the night? Will they wake me? And these are people I really like, who have been friends for years. I would so much like to chill out and enjoy their visits, but inevitably I dont issue many invites and then wish we saw more of each other.

Keepingquiet

But would you step up if she couldn't?
Have you?
.

I was introduced to a woman I had a great deal in common with including a mutual love of board games. She came round to mine to play three times and we hit it off marvelously. I supplied food and drinks and our daughters, who are the same age, joined in as well. It was great. Once or twice she said 'you must come to ours next time'.

Some months later I met her in the street and she goes 'when are you going to invite us round to yours again? - we had such a nice time'.

I was a bit lost for words to be honest. Maybe she's embarrassed about her home or something, but I thought she'd got to know me well enough to know that wouldn't matter to me - and my house is no picture postcard.

Not quite sure what to do - invite her round again and make it clear it's her turn next?

I had a friend in another country she was going through a hard time with her husband after discovering he had been unfaithful to her many years ago. I was really supportive to her replying to her almost daily emails. These messages became more and more rambling and it seemed to me she was drinking an awful lot. She then had an affair herself, was always making plans to somehow get hold of her dh's money and leave and often travelling to other countries to yoga retreats etc. Then after telling her my late DH passed away she sent me some sort of drunken message a few days later saying she hoped I was enjoying myself etc etc. This obviously ended the friendship although after a while she apologised profusely. Now some 3/4 yrs later I have another email from her asking to resume contact. Do not know what to do, I don't bear any ill will towards her but it was a draining relationship and might be again.

I have found that when I strike up a new friendship that it really works well to schedule the next meet up at that one. Mind you, this is for people that I know for sure I want to keep in my life. However, I have also been the one to not make the effort to contact in the past because I wasn't sure how much longer or deeper into the friendship I wanted to go. Currently I have a couple of very good friends that I see regularly now and we have known each other for 40 years. I am really seeing the difference in ages (they are 10 years older than I and I am 70) and am not sure how frequently I want to see them so I am backing off from organizing and will see what they do. The eldest one is still such good company but the younger one seems to be "calcifying" and all of her good characteristics are disappearing in the process, it's tough to see but I know I would never abandon the friendship.

kircubbin2000

I hate having people come to my house. It's embarrassing because my newish neighbour has had me in 3 times and I enjoy going and have twice been to her friends house.
I did make the effort in the Spring and had them both here but it stressed me so much getting ready as I am untidy and disorganised and they both have homes with no papers, plants or personal stuff.
I'm going to have to do it again soon. They both enjoyed it last time and I thought they'd never go.

As for arranging outings I either think people will be busy and not want to go or on the other hand I might not feel well on the day and will have to cancel.
Again I will enjoy it once I do go.

I am exactly the same kircubbin. I get terribly stressed at the thought of having people here. I have a very cluttered house, am a hopeless cook, and am always worried that they will stay too long

Yes same here, I’ve decided I’m not going to bother anymore
🙄

My friends say one of the things they value about me is that I make an effort to keep in touch with DH puts it another way’why do those people keep coming to our house to eat?’

You lot DO visit friends because you want to see them, not just to nose around their houses and criticise, don't you?

OK, maybe you don't.... :-)

Yes it is infuriating. This has happened to us many times over the years. We always seem to be the hosts with people saying come to us next time and next time never happens, we can hardly invite ourselves to their homes. We backed off on the invitations and never heard from some of these people again. Clearly our friendship did not mean that much to them. We got fed up with being givers to those who were only takers and moved on. No idea why people behave like this.

WhatsApp works for my groups of friends who don't meet up frequently. Someone posts, time to meet up. Everyone gets the same message, snd info. We don't innundate.

And I thought it was only me who felt like this. We recently met up with friends who we haven’t seen for over a year. When we met the last time they said we shouldn’t leave it so long before meeting again. This time they said the same but I can just see that if I don’t arrange anything it won’t happen.