Christmas Day woes

Welcome to GN.
Am afraid I have heard this story so many times. Of course it is unfair but please don’t get hooked up on one day of the year, make the most of the days you do see your GS and perhaps suggest to both your daughter and partner that you all spend time together some weekends, work permitting. Maybe arrange a short break away and offer to look after the GS whilst they go out together. Or just organise something for a special day with all of them. Encourage her partner to become included. But I totally get what you are saying. We have always encouraged our DDs to spend alternate Xmas days with their in laws and is not nice for some parents/grandparents to be greedy/selfish about this.
All the best 🌹

Hello Shantimar and welcome to GN.

What you describe seems to be a problem with the relationship between your s.i.l. and his mother, although who is ultimately responsible is hard to say. Is your s.i.l. selfishly putting his mother before his wife's family and perhaps his wife's, your D's wishes or is his mother applying the pressure.

In addition to being understandably upset at feeling sidelined and called upon when convenient, I would be concerned about my D. You say you are close and yet she appears to allow her husband to dictate what will and wont be happening to the extent that last year, he took their child for the day to spend it with his mother.

As far as this Christmas goes I think you have no choice but to accept that you wont be seeing them and I see little point in raising it with your D because it doesn't sound as if she has much if any say, in what's planned.

Enjoy this Christmas with those you can spend time with and maybe think about not being so available for things that don't include you spending quality time with your D and GS; dog sitting springs to mind.

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Hi thanks for reply.
Yes I agree with you regarding Christmas but it’s all the other times. When he was born we were the last to visit as I know how it can be and my daughter had a long labour, I had just finished work and was going to go directly to hospital but received a call to wait and come up later as the other grandparents were visiting. It was an absolute kick in the teeth as they had already visited and we hadn’t. On his first birthday they all went out for the day and we were relegated to visit him the following day. When I’ve spoken to my daughter about it she’s said that it’s not intentional but she sometimes feels railroaded into going along with her partner and parents regarding this.
I have taken my GS when they’ve went out or been away for few days however that’s only if the other grandparents have also been away or had other commitments. When my DD went back to work I was tasked with looking after the dog while the other grandparents looked after GS. We’ve also offered for all of us to go on holiday we often go away with DS and and his family but they said that first time they go away they’d rather go on their own but to be honest I know the other grandparents will just so happen to be there at same time.
My DH just says to leave it and let them get on with it. Funny thing is if they need any financial help it’s always us they turn to.
I’m sure we’ll have a good Christmas Day and just wait and see what new year brings. The joys of being a parent and grandparent I guess

Your DH is right, you do need to leave them to get on with it which maybe should include making alternative arrangements for a dog sitter and maybe financial help too.

I agree with Smileless. Your DH is right, the thing is if you say anything to your DD or her partner about this things could get much worse. But be there for your DD who seems to be letting her partner call all the shots, and that doesn’t sit well with me.

My dad always used to let me call the shots and it worked very well because I was aware that he liked to be included but did not proactively seek inclusion. It made me include him come what may. My mother, however, would lay on the guilt trip for every family occasion which really put me off. Let them go and see if they notice your lack of presence.

My ex-sil ruled the roost in the family and they always went to his mother’s on Christmas Day, Mother’s Day, Easter. He was under his mother’s thumb and it may be so for your sil. It’s difficult for your DD if that’s the case so probably best not to say anything to her. As others have said, and your DH has, enjoy the time with others and try not to think about the DD etc. Perhaps, because you have always been available and supportive, DD thinks you don’t really mind and also that at least her mum isn’t putting pressure on!

I have had this discussion with my son and hubby, my daughter is very strong willed and always makes her feeling and opinions clear and if she really didn’t agree with something she would make herself heard. In fact we all say her partner must have patience of a saint. We thought that as the other grandparents do most of the childcare, neither of them want to rock the boat so to speak and prioritises them.
As I said they seem lovely and my daughter and partner have been together from school and I know you don’t always know what goes on behind closed doors but I really doubt my daughter is being controlled but definitely didn’t understand why she let him take her son away on Christmas. She says it was so she could enjoy herself, relax and have a few cocktails and good food. I think that she was trying to keep everybody happy but failing miserably because it made the rest of the family feel worse. It really struck a cord today when she called for me to dog sit then said the other gran was going with them to go to firework display . The other gran is looking after our GS today so she’ll be there so maybe that’s why she’s going along but to be clear my daughter never asked if we wanted to go just to look after the dog

Thanks so much for reply and yes that’s what hubby says that we’d be more understanding and not mind.