Boasting.

Actually Lathyrus3 as a keen gardener, I would be very happy to see your photos of your squashes, I could show you our excellent kale and the destruction wrought on our sweetcorn by the local badgers as long as we moved on to other subjects.

It depends whom I’m talking to. Family members get an up to date explanation. Friends get their questions answered as they know about you family over the years as you do theirs, but stopping short of droning on. And acquaintances a “fine thank you”

I have never thought if it as boasting tbh. I do have a friend who can spend most of the afternoon droning on about her twin grandsons - I am very good at zoning out, and let her drone on. It is what she does- but is a kindly soul who has had a lot of bad luck with her health, so why would I deny her the pleasure of talking about her “dear boys”

I think that there is a very fine line between answering the question how’s the family and going into the minutiae of their lives.

Is it boasting? Or is it just giving a far too detailed answer to the question asked 🤷‍♀️

Casdon

I feel like you Magenta8, when people boast about their children or family members rather than saying what they are doing themselves I always feel sad for them that their own life isn’t enough to talk about, particularly people I knew when I was young - I want to know about them, I’m not interested in their children.

This.

It is sad when people somehow have to boost egos by this.

All they do, in the end, is alienate people when it goes on and on.

However to the lady who complained about having too much money, she would have got some pictures trying to shame her into Water Aid or even better, those poor children with that eye condition where their eyes get sctatched to bits. 😡

I’m pretty much always interested in my friends lives. I’m very contented with my own life so I’m happy to hear about their extension or holiday or whatever.

I knew most of their children growing up so I’m quite interested in what they’re doing generally, but I don’t need a lot of detail about it.

So far so good.

But alas when it comes to grandchildren, for some reason, there I have to hear all about them and look at endless pictures and videos of them doing really quite ordinary things - like the playing with Lego mentioned above.

The strange thing is they criticise other friends who do exactly the same, but don’t know they are doing it themselves.

( Anybody interested in several photos of the squashes on my allotment? I’ve got pictures going from the smallest seedlings right through to when they covered the ground and the squashes were ripening in the sun and now I have them sitting on my kitchen windowsill to be made into delicious soup and I will send you a picture of that too…….
What do you mean I’m boring you?🤣}

It's partly about how these apparently boastful people present themselves and whether they bother to stop their monologue and ask about you.
I don't have anything to boast about in my own life and often feel it's pretty dismal now so I will talk about my children who have lives I can only dream of by comparison. I think splendid lives are the case of many of the younger generation,
I have found myself bored to tears by self interested people so now I avoid them.
My question is, if some don't want to hear about anyone's children or about the other person themselves then what on earth is there to have a conversation about?

I wonder if a lot of it has to do with whether people can read a room or not and how much social awareness they have. We each have a story to tell and once I met a very elderly lady sitting quietly at the WI. When I got chatting to her it turned out she had been a decoder at Bletchley Park during the war. She was so quiet and gentle but exuded serenity.

I know of a lady who always boasted about how clever her grandson was and what he was achieving academically. Her grandson in real life had learning difficulties. I noticed this socially as I was a teacher of his age group. Never said anything but it did open my eyes to how people just assume. Also, had a friend whose husband's job took him to the higher echelons of London life, think job in cultural setting. He retired 30 years ago and she still spoke about it as if it were today. She would corner someone at a social occasion and they would get the full blast. The husband himself was an ageing hippy and did not give a dam. Think 90 year old with long hair and beard. She still wore his role.

It may be that as you parted on bad terms she felt the need to impress you. It could all be rubbish but probably made her feel better than you. I wouldn't think any more about it.

If people ask I always tell them the truth about my family, good and bad, warts and all.
If they don’t ask I say little.
Often talking about their achievements is not boasting just stating facts.
I do always ask about their families though.

The problem is, if you are fortunate, and life has gone well for you and your children, telling anyone about what they are up to is going to sound like boasting, especially to someone whose family have had a more patchwork life.

The alternative is to say nothing and just ask and listen to other people as they tell you about their family.

I would never boast about my family on a forum like this or with acquaintances but I might trust somebody I feel I know well enough to tell them when I feel proud of my DDs etc., but it would never be a one way conversation. I think the advice here is to read the room.

On seeing someone I used to stand at the school gates with many years ago last Sunday at the Renembrance Service she launched in to how her daughter (same age as my DD1) was so successful living in the USA had a huge house swimming pool four cars and a boat. Two very successful offspring etc etc. Didn’t ask after my daughters or anything else. I remembered why I never liked. her back in the day😂 Escaped quickly as she was starting on how many wonderful holidays they have….. Hope it’s another few years before I bump into her again !!

It is not the pride in your family’s achievements, it is when some people go on and on about just how talented and successful their offspring and GC are over and over.
It is so boring but worse you are made to feel they are the only ones to reach these dizzy heights.
I know two such people, one lost all her friends through it and was referred to as” the woman with the fantastic family”.
The other is just as full of herself but doesn’t have other friends so I get it every week.
One of my other friends has really clever GC, a recently qualified Dr, a GC who received an award for the best A level results in the County and the other two with very good degrees.We only learned this through one conversation and we have to ask how they are doing in their lives.
Guess who I would rather spend time with.
There is a huge difference in being proud, that is understandable and quite right and feeling everyone must be told and made to feel perhaps envy .

Well I ve never thought of it as boasting at all, but yes if anyone asks I do tell them about any achievements and I ask about theirs I don’t have a lot else in the way of news, I live alone and don’t go to any big dos or holidays. I m more than happy to listen to news of my friends children (or now) mostly grandkids achievements too

Rafichagran I agree totally with your post

I have little to boast of in my life so yes I m proud when one of my grandkids achieves sonething wonderful why should we get knocked down because of that

I think the clue is the going on and on with no interest in listening I don’t do that and I don’t really expect the other person to be that interested but it’s all I ve got

Oreo

Unless you know someone really well and they’re a real friend, nobody wants to hear about their life or that of their kids and DGC either, it’s a bore.
If asked I just say ‘they’re all fine thanks’.
Next time don’t ask anyone about how their family are.

I’m inclined to agree with this.

One friend showed you photos of her GS every time you saw her, ‘this is S playing on his tractor,’ ‘oh, this is S building his Lego’…….

It was like viewing the holiday photos, but worse as it was constant.

I’m in the ‘Yes, all fine thank you’ brigade.

Of course there is nothing wrong with admitting that you are proud of members of your family. You just don't need to go into excruciating detail about it with people you don't know very well.

Two of my GCs are doing very well at school but I don't feel the need to go into great detail with everyone I chat to about what their teachers said about them at parents evening or what mark they got in their latest Spanish test.

Georgesgran, sounds like you know a relative of mine lol.

Sometimes I think it is because they are so proud of their family and their achievements that they have to tell someone. They may live alone and not have anyone to speak to. Then there are the pain in the arses who do, simply ,boast. Usually they are fairly obvious because they do it all the time !

I hope people don't get boasting, mixed up with pride. I am proud of my daughters achievements, I don't boast, but if people who know her ask directly, I will tell them.
I cannot stand people who if they hear good things of others are nasty and accuse them of boasting, they are resentful of everyone.

We had one at our little tea club . She was such in pain in the behind that we used to yawn and move .
She stopped coming .

I live near a Hyacinth Bucket .
Oh she who won a prize for having the best garden.
It was such an effort for her gardener .
She is all friendly one minute then as cold as ice . I never know what sort of mood she's going to be in .
She loves committees and being top doggie shouting orders .
And our Vicar is frightened of her.
She was only rivalled by her neighbour. ,who had new shelves put in for her first editions .
I nearly asked her if she had room for a pony .

The worst type of snobbery are those ghastly round robins .
They are never going to tell you the truth about family life ie :Grandma got done for shoplifting again .
I wish that I'd framed the one that said the dry summer meant that the moat had dried up ,but never mind Quentin and Dorian were both down and managed to refill it on their way to Peru.
I'm so glad it must have been a tremendous relief.

I understand how irritating such apparent boasting can be, having had a friend very much like this years ago, but I honestly think most people don't realise that they're coming across as boastful. They're just being human really; being proud of a family member is a natural feeling. We all have various faults which annoy others. Sometimes it's just thoughtlessness.

Unless you know someone really well and they’re a real friend, nobody wants to hear about their life or that of their kids and DGC either, it’s a bore.
If asked I just say ‘they’re all fine thanks’.
Next time don’t ask anyone about how their family are.

Thanks Spinnaker

crazyH

Tenko - what is sahm ?

Sahm is Stay at Home Mum