Your funeral

I wish more people would do their own funeral. It isn't difficult. We did it for my uncle, we put together the story of his life and illustrated it with music and poetry.

It is just I have been to so many funerals where the funeral service is led by a celebrant, whether humanist or religious, who does not know the deceased, or the family and trips out the story of their life, giving illustraions from their life that someone has told them but despite their best endeavours, they are talking about someone they have never met, and it always shows.

Must say the only thing that’s ever really made me cringe at a funeral was the celebrant. Where on earth the family found him I can’t imagine, but I really thought our old neighbour must be turning in her coffin.

I’ve posted this before.

I still have my DH, thank goodness, but if he were to die before me, I would hate to think he went on his final journey to the crematorium alone, no one there who loved him.

I don’t mean a big, public display, but I would want to be there, painful though it would be, plus our AC and GC.

Not fussed about anyone else being there, Covid made me re-evaluate my ideas about funerals.

But a gathering for friends and other relatives afterwards would be good.

Must get all this planned out (and talked about) with those concerned.

And I think I would want the same for me.

Mistype "slap across the face to those people that don't get that phrase".

ViceVersa

That may be your opinion, M0nica, but I know others who dread that 'ritual' with the curtains closing, etc. Thankfully, we now have far more options when it comes to what happens after death, so people should be able to choose something which they find most suitable for them and their family.

That I can understand - ie the curtain closing ritual. I went to a recent funeral - ie my best friends husband - and it was one of those type of funerals. I was cringing visibly inside - as one of best friends sons gave the funeral address and kept turning round to look at the coffin to address what he was saying directly to his father and then the curtains closed. I really really did not like that whole idea - and her husband was a friend of mine too.

I just had to keep my mouth shut and follow the way they wanted things done - their funeral/their choice - but #shudders.

The whole thing tends to make me wince. Even some of the funeral notices in the local paper where I live now are often wince-worthy - by the time many people can't read some of them (as some are only in Welsh - that, to me, is telling many of their friends/acquaintances "You don't mean anything to me - I don't care that you can't read it").

The other wince-worthy thing that I wince at here is the phrase "friend to many" that gets used a lot in this area when describing some people - as that feels like a slap across the phrase to those people that don't get that phrase put in their death notice. All very nice for those people that have lived here all their lives and their parents before them etc etc - but does feel excluding to everyone else imo.

As an atheist, I would be happy with a pure cremation, but provided I am cremated (specified in my will), I am happy for my family to decide what ceremony and wake feel best for them. They are the ones who are going to be there, not I.

My Kids can do what they like with me, my only stipulation everyone has a drink of Champagne.
My sister and I sorted both our parents, it wasn't stressful it was a final act of love, to give them a good send off. Mum had input into Dad's arrangements but even she was pleased she gave Dad what he would have liked, though he wouldn't really care that much.
Mum died during the end of the Covid time (not of Covid) so we could only have limited numbers but lots of people stood out side of the Crematorium, so she went in via a "archway" of friends, family.
It was a beautiful send off for her.

DH's body was received into church the evening before. He had a Funeral Mass, I typed out the service so that non-Catholics could follow it. DDs helped to choose readings and hymns. He is buried in the local churchyard alongside members of his family and we had a buffet in the church rooms that everyone seemed to enjoy. My funeral will be the same with a couple of changes of hymns. I want it to be a happy and joyous occasion.

Aveline

So how did that go namo?

Aveline, are you a Scouser?

Its pure cremation for me and its all paid up

I have arranged an unattended cremation package. I dont believe in funerals. They are a vulgar show and a waste of money.

DH had an uncle of whom he was extremely fond.he talked to him often on the phone and used to tell me of the important part the uncle had played in his childhood and younger years.
Then we heard that Uncle had died. DH was dreadfully upset but we planned to attend the funeral and spend the day catching up with family. Then we heard there wasn’t to be a funeral, no opportunity to say goodbye, nothing at all.
DH is terribly hurt.

Lathyrus3

“Some people just don’t love others enough”

That’s telling all of us who have arranged quiet personal funerals just what you think of the depth of our love🙁

Maybe it was a rather sweeping thing to say. I do apologise. I am sure you are loved very much.

I do want a funeral, doesn't have to be a lavish one. I want a funeral, not for me but for my children/ grandchildren/ extended family and friends. For me a funeral is a ritual that eases the grief - just a little. Think my father has influenced me, he once told me it was important to attend a funeral , just his view and he was not a religious man .
My wish is for cremation - not burial!
Fingers crossed I will not be going for some time yet- my husbands Alzheimers means I need to be here!

crazygranmda

NotSpaghetti

I like the catharsis of a funeral...
Very healing.

NotSpaghetti, I totally agree with you. I suggested direct cremation to my kids and got a very robust response. They also appreciate the catharsis of the funeral. I guess it's the final rite of passage. Anyway, I won't be there, so they can do what helps them and the grandkids.

Same with my children, all paid for too.

I'll join your minority * keepingquiet* if it's about letting my family decide what sort of funeral to give me. I'm very happy to talk to them about my ultimate demise, they know my feelings about religion and they know ATM I have lots of people outside the immediate family whom I think would want to mark my passing. If I live for another 10 or 15 years that might change so I'll let them decide what they want to do when I die as I won't be there except as a dead body.

I am not for reducing choice, just pointing out that opting for Pure type funeral and leaving the family to organise something later can be deeply distressing for a significant number of people.

You see a lot of advertising of 'Pure' type funerals, as if this is what everyone wants and not enough space is given to those who, personally, have their reservations.

That may be your opinion, M0nica, but I know others who dread that 'ritual' with the curtains closing, etc. Thankfully, we now have far more options when it comes to what happens after death, so people should be able to choose something which they find most suitable for them and their family.

ViceVersa

Having a pure cremation doesn't mean that your family and friends can't have a 'proper send-off' - they can do whatever they want to remember your life.

But many people find the ritual of having the deceased there and seeing the symbolism of the curtains closing and the casket moving out of sight, as an outward sign of the end of that person's life. particularly when, today, the custom of visiting the body while it was still at home or with the undertakerhas broadly ceased.

My DS worked for a religious organisation and after her sudden death, as well as the family funeral, which was attended by many who had worked with her, her employer also held a memorial service for her, so that other people who worked with her could pay their respects, some colleagues and contacts attended both.

The funeral in the immediate aftermath of her death had an emotional intensity and element of catharis to it, that was missing from the memorial service held some months after her death. I do feel that a party arranged later - possibly many months later, lacks the immedicacy that a funeral, usually within weeks of the death, has.

“Some people just don’t love others enough”

That’s telling all of us who have arranged quiet personal funerals just what you think of the depth of our love🙁

Lathyrus3

Dear me, keepingquiet I had no idea extent of peoples love for one another could be judged by the extent to which they created a public display.

That’s pretty much rubbished all my relationships I’m afraid.

I'm not judging anyone- I'm on a minority here and just expressing my opinion.

Maybe I didn't express it well enough...

Some families speak, just not about death and funerals.

I must say, SueDH's post only confirmed my decision to leave the whole thing to my chldren to sort out what they want at the time - and we are a family that do discuss thing slike this because they know how I feel and are quite happy with it, and between leaving no instructions for my fineral and telling my children that I am leaving it all up to them. I will actually get the funeral I would like - one that my children want.

That's awful SueEH, that the family had no idea it would be a Pure Cremation. I think it goes without saying that the family should be told of your plans, whatever they are. But I suppose some families don't talk to each other which is another sad thing.

Can I say here that your own local funeral director will be able to arrange a direct cremation and it’s likely to be considerably cheaper and more respectful; they know the local area facilities and things aren’t arranged through a hub.
Only know this after chats with my funeral director recently whilst arranging my dad’s funeral.
Also, if you’re going down this route, do discuss it with your family, I know of a friend’s elderly relative who arranged direct cremation thinking she was taking the burden off her family but her children didn’t know and were distraught at the idea of not being able to say goodbye. Plus the funeral director told me that of all the people who plan a memorial service/event 80% of them never actually happen. Which is very sad.

Having a pure cremation doesn't mean that your family and friends can't have a 'proper send-off' - they can do whatever they want to remember your life.