Did we let our Parents influence our Married Lives

We emigrated and left everyone behind. Never regretted it for a moment . We used to meet parents every few years either in the uk or here. It was 10 years before we returned to the uk for our first visit and I remember being amazed at how green everything was. We never go anywhere very here now, too far and with the new rules too difficult.

I don’t know about influence but both our mums certainly had a view on our lives, jobs, children and houses but we didn’t let it influence our decisions. Different generations so different ideas. We all jogged along, mostly.

My mother never stopped trying to interfere but she wasn't interested in spending time with or building a relationship with her grandchildren . I just ignored her efforts . She would often get one of my siblings to ring me up and tell me I should or should not be doing this or that etc etc . She liked to cause trouble so I largely paid no attention and just did my own thing and learnt not to keep her informed .
My MIL never interfered but again she wasn't particularly interested in the children either . My SIL tried on numerous occasions to control us but luckily we didn't live nearby and I wasn't going to entertain that .
I don't interfere in my children's lives or their relationships , I'm too busy living my own but if they ask my advice I'll offer it . They rarely do . My DILs are strong ,intelligent and independent women who I am sure would not hesitate to tell me to butt out if I tried. Luckily we get on very well so that won't ever happen

astitchintime me too

I expect our marriages were influenced by our parents simply because we grew up with mum and dad which influenced our personalities

My parents and parents in law didn’t interfere, they loved us, we loved them. When our children arrived they supported but never interfered.

I follow that path with my adult children and grandchildren. I’m lucky, they share the joys and when worried, come and talk to me
Family 🌞

Only my younger DB moved away once married for his job,(teaching). But my other DB and I stayed within a few hundred yards of our parents . My Mum and dad were the type to get on with everyone , and DM was best friends with mi MIL going to exercise classes together and pensioner clubs . I too got on well with MIL .
Similar tale with my DCs . DS1 and DD have always lived near me but DS2 moved to North Wales when younger but we still see a lot of him , his partner and his DC . Thankfully there has been no falling out . My DH died nearly 19 years ago but I am still great friends with his siblings and see them quite often . I consider us this to be normal family life .

Although I try not to offer advice unsolicited my son occasionally rings me to ask for advice about the big things. I love the fact that he does that - he rang me only a couple of days ago about a fairly big decision. He said he sometimes asks his dad, my ex, but he isn't usually very helpful!

I left home for University then afterwards stayed in the area near the University. My ex was a student there too and we stayed there after our marriage, so both sets of parents were some distance away. My MiL tried to talk him out of going out with me as I was a few years older than him and had a weight problem. She said "Why don't you find someone younger and slimmer?" I suspect she may not know that he told me! The first present she ever gave me was a weightwatchers recipe book!
Despite this rocky start I tried to put up with her interfering and had to be quite firm when she wanted to influence the children's upbringing.
I'm divorced now but still stay in touch with her. I feel sorry for her as she is in her 90s, nearly blind and quite lonely. My ex lives much further away than when we were together, so sees her less than she'd like and her other son lives abroad so she rarely sees him at all. When I gave birth to her first grandchild she started to refer to me as 'her loverly DiL' and it was clear her problem with me had been that she thought I might not give her grandchildren. They started asking when we planned to start a family as soon as we returned from honeymoon!
She never got on with her other son's wife and they are now separated, living in different countries, with one child living with each, neither of whom see their grandma! She doesn't get on with my ex's new partner either so if my ex visits it is always alone so never for long!
Although I feel sorry for her I know she has brought it on herself with her controlling attitudes and a tendency to think that no-one is good enough for her boys. It's very sad. My grown up kids visit her when they can but they live at the other end of the country so it isn't as often as she would like.
My own mum rarely interfered and one of my biggest regrets is not spending more time with her when the children were young as they didn't build a strong relationship with her as they did with my in-laws who lived near enough to visit regularly while my mum didn't drive and lived at the other end of the country. My ex wasn't keen to visit her very often either so she lost out. I saw her more after we split up but by then my kids were older and becoming independent.
When my son got married I told mmy DiL that I had hopefully learnt how not to be a MiL from my experience and I hoped she would benefit. Thankfully I totally approve of my DiL and I wouldn't dream of interfering with how she brings up my grandchildren!

My husband and I put a very prompt stop to my mother's attempts to interefere in our marriage, which she felt perfectly entitled to do. Much as I loved her, I was not prepared to let my mother tell me how to live my life.

My mother-in-law had sadly died before my husband and I married. I doubt she would have tried to interfere, as I have always understood that she resembled my elder sister-in-law, and neither of my husband's sisters have try to interfere.

Reading the posts on gransnet I often get the feeling that the in-law relationship is hard, especially in the UK, but presumably we only hear about the relationships that are not working well on Gransnet.

Oh, and she hated my husband until she got dementia and suddenly he became the best thing since sliced bread. He was the only one who could get her to do what she needed to do.

My mother thought my MIL was too good to be true and was vocal about how she was a stupid woman. I refused to be swayed by her and just thought it said more about my mother than my MIL!

Left home at 18, went to London, one of the best days of my life! Step mother was a controlling and narcissistic woman! Didn’t give her the opportunity to interfere when I married! Sadly I loved my Dad so much but he was ruled by her!
This has been cathartic Thankyou!

My parents didn’t influence my marriage. Apart from not much liking me, but adoring my DH, they lived on the other side of the world.
My in-laws were in the uk, but didn’t have a car, so we saw very little of them as they were a good hour away.
Our marriage was ours only, no influence. We did get married in our 30s, so we’re “fully formed”.

I moved to DHs town about 20 miles from mum and dad.
Best thing for me.

I did see how mum treated my brother's wife which was not the best.
Sounds awful but I gave permission to SIL to be firm.
Brother is a head in the sand type.
She always says that when she knew that I had her back it gave her the confidence
to make boundaries.

I was closer to MIL and our children had a good relationship with her.
They treated mum and dad as temporary visitors.
Mum and dad bought a cot/bed for the children to stay over. They wouldn't.

Mine did, we wanted to live together, shock horror! A marriage that didn’t last!

My parents did influence me in that I knew I would never be like them. I left home at 18.
My ex husband met them once on the day of our wedding, the same with the man I have lived with for 47 years.

Lived reasonably near for 5 years. FiL dud not approve of me or family, he was such a snob. My father was very suspicious of my husband but did accept we would marry and was fine with that. Moved to another country so no influence from parents when raising children. Both sets of parents did visit and never made comments at least to me, or my husband on how to raise children. On moving back to UK lived within an hour to my parents and 1.50 hours to inlaws. Both sets in their 70s and needed a bit support from us until they died late 70s. Think that's why I find it hard to accept all the GPs who are expected to help out these days.

My parents believed that once we married that was that, they had no right to interfere, and they didn’t. They had known my DH since he was a lad and his parents, they all got along really well. When we first married we lived with my in laws who at that point were living in London, they were really lovely and tried to give us space though their home wasn’t big. Those were happy days.

I do wish I had listened to my Dad………..nuff said 😔

Absolutely not... and they didn't need too. My parents loved my DH and it was returned.

Not at all.

One of my friends had parents who affected ther married life. When they bought their family home they bought a house some distance from her DH's work in order to live somewhere not easy to reach on public transport, so that her mother could not visit without an nvitation.

I met her mother and fully understood their decision.

Thank you for your responses. It is lovely that most of us did not have Parents that interfered in our married lives. We read so much on here from Parents/Grandparents who would like to spend more time with their Children/Grandchildren. Not of course interference just a longing for more contact. Likewise there are Children who have unrealistic expectations of Child care from their Parents who are in their seventies. Just sad that they cant seem to work things out and reach a compromise that suits them all.

My mother told me I’d never find anyone as nice as the boyfriend I’d had (and more or less ditched) before dh! But it wasn’t long before dh became Golden Boy too…

My parents never interfered, or told me what to do, even if they weren’t happy about whatever it was. As I know was the case when I moved abroad to live with dh well before we were married.
By the time we did get married I think they probably heaved a massive sigh of relief. But then I was off to Foreign Parts with him again, but I had to be married to join him that time - the government wouldn’t have given me a No Objection certificate (as it was called) otherwise.

I didn’t do as they wanted but I didn’t ask for anything either .
I moved out and went to university. Never went back .