Why do I feel so guilty?

Aveline

Surely there is a limit to exactly how much housework needs done. If your DH finds things for you to do tell him to do them himself if he's that bothered about it.

My DH will always find something that I have not done when I sit
Really, FranP? 😲

Aveline absolutely!

Sago

Goldieoldie15

The Italians have an expressions for it: dolce farniente (sure I"ve misspelt). But then they are catholics so see nothing wrong with just enjoying life while doing nothing much.

For me Catholicism made it worse, as an Irish Catholic being idle was very much a sin, particularly if you are a woman.

Satan makes work for idle hands - or so I was told!

Aveline.....oh yes, me too

Surely there is a limit to exactly how much housework needs done. If your DH finds things for you to do tell him to do them himself if he's that bothered about it.

I could never sit for long - too much to do. When I retired, a young woman in my office handed me a box containing some fruit tea, a box of expensive chocolates a bath salt sachet and a book.
She told me that a few months after I stopped, I should take a few days and use them all, just for me. I have passed this on a few times.
My DH will always find something that I have not done when I sit, but I have learned finally to tell him "later"
You just have to unlearn activity, and learn to love just taking time for you - not easy, but you will get there

Lets look at it another way. You are busy . Your body is fighting a virus so that in the future you can "be busy" It may take a few days or not but if it does last more than a few days - see a Dr. and not Dr. Google.
Enjoy your rest perhaps with a book. Daytime TV is pretty poor, mind you, evening TV is not much better.

Goldieoldie15

The Italians have an expressions for it: dolce farniente (sure I"ve misspelt). But then they are catholics so see nothing wrong with just enjoying life while doing nothing much.

For me Catholicism made it worse, as an Irish Catholic being idle was very much a sin, particularly if you are a woman.

The Italians have an expressions for it: dolce farniente (sure I"ve misspelt). But then they are catholics so see nothing wrong with just enjoying life while doing nothing much.

I wonder if a generation thing ? So many of us feel guilty for "doing nothing". I cant be sitting down if DH comes home, I have to be doing something. He has never said anything but old habits die hard.

Like many probably I was brought up to be far far too concerned abut what others thought of me, indeed sometimes to the extent that I part form/ed my opinion of ourself by feedback from others.

....and I don't mean "keeping up appearances" as in being "posh", but real everyday life.

Its hard to detach from this, but a journey well worth attempting.

The actions of this neighbour means you have lost your privacy in your living room, so in your situation I would be scrolling garden centres looking for bushes or hedging to rectify that.

'What is this life if full of care we have not time to stand and stare?'
Actually, life has always been stressful. There has always been something to worry about. Just ask survivors of the Blitz and families bereaved suddenly by war and accident or upheavals due to redundancy, illness and poverty.
Self care would be seen by our predecessors as self indulgence! It still is in my opinion but I'm quite happy to indulge myself.

Self-care didn't really exist as a concept when I was young but then again we didn't have wall to wall communication via emails, whatsapp and sms so we weren't bombarded with incoming responsibilities to look, check and respond. Whether we had time to sit and read or pursue a gentle hobby or not, the big difference between then and now is that everything was done a lot slower and stress levels weren't anything to talk about. Now we're overwhelmed with high speed communications and expected to keep on top of things so we have to think about self-care. If we don't, we go under and that does nobody any good. So, Sago - forget that negative voice that tells you what you were brought up to do and switch to a more positive voice that says look after yourself, nobody cares whether you sit and read a book, watch TV in the afternoon or stare into space and listen to music. You need to regenerate.

I was the same for many years; when I was growing up reading was akin to doing nothing and my dream was to watch the Saturday pm sport programme all the way through 😁 Mum could always find a job to be done.
And when I left a City job for the rural life it was years before I felt able to relax during the day. Damned work ethic.

You can do whatever you want and don't feel guilty! I more concerned with you saying you 'got a beating'....that's awful... I think it's way we were brought up . If I said I was boredmy dad would say 'I'll find you something to do!' He would laugh and I would disappear but my parents would never have beaten me....

Yippee!!. All afternoon doing nothing but watching horseracing from Cheltenham. I do not feel guilty. My late husband and I always had a date doing this for Cheltenham. We never get on horses but did pick one each for a race. Good job we didn't gamble!!

Sago

It would be child abuse now, not in 1973.

Being beaten for reading a book - no wonder it has had an impact. Maybe now you have had some toasty days whilst not well maybe you could start buildingbin some relaxation time each day? We all deserve some quiet time 💐

It would be child abuse now, not in 1973.

SunnySusie, you have my sympathies. Cleaning all that brass sounds an awful punishment. 💐

I too can struggle relaxing.
My dad died when I was 9 so mum had to go out to work and my bro and I would come in from school and have to start cooking the evening meal.
Then on Saturdays we had to get up early to help clean the house.
So i think my busyness must stem from the past .
But unlike you , in my early childhood it was my mum who was the reader and often I was left to play on my own.
I do hope you feel better soon and im finally learning to relax more as ive a health condition which limits me.
God Bless 💐

I too was brought up to believe sitting down and relaxing in the day was wrong. I have never done it and I retired when I got my state pension ten years ago. If I wanted to read as a child I would climb the tallest oak tree in the garden and perch in the branches. My punishment for being naughty was to be sent to my room with all the (many) brass objects in the house and told to clean them until they shone. Even now I never look at the TV before about 8pm in the evening and only read a book for an hour before lights out.

Sago

I was brought up to believe sitting down and relaxing during the day was a sin.

I used to have to find somewhere to hide and read a book if I was caught I would get a good beating.

At the age of 62, I still find it difficult unless it’s a Sunday.

I am currently suffering with a nasty virus so this morning I lit the wood burner and put on James Martins Saturday Morning Kitchen.
I haven’t watched it since Covid!

Then the neighbour comes along with his bloody ladder to start chopping bits off his hedge, he can see directly into our living room and I can’t cope with being seen sitting doing nothing!

I can’t draw the curtains as it will appear rude.

Please tell me to stay put before I go and find a job to do!

That sounds like child abuse.

Reframe your thinking. You are busy, busy repairing your body. When we are unwell or injured, recovering from operations etc. our bodies work really hard to get us well again. A lot of energy is used to do this vital work. Give your body all the help it needs. Rest and take care of yourself. That's your work for today.

Thank goodness I didn't have a mother like Sago had!

I suffer from the very same malaise , totally unable to sit and relax, even for a few minutes especially during the day.
There is always, always, always something that must be done. If that something isn't cleaning , laun, gardening etc then I will create something for me to do in the form of many hobbies.
At the moment I fill every down second dressmaking.
I just cannot relax.
I wasn't ever punished for sitting and not working as a child but my perfectionist nature combined with being the eldest of three with a chronically ill mother has taught me that to sit and relax is not acceptable.
I'm 70 and still feel I must always be doing and achieving.
I was once told to remember I am a human being not a human doing.