How do I develop a thicker skin?.

MawsRosie

^The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well^
🥘 🫖 ⚫️.

😁
Oh yes, ironic!

GrannyGravy13

Cossy

Ladies (mainly Ladies methinks) can we not have a conversation, a debate or an opinion without coming across as rude and/or completely lacking in empathy?

It seems not, how very sad when in this tough world of ours I thought Gransnet would be a place of refuge and support!

There’s ways and means of disagreeing with people and it doesn’t need to be unpleasant!

Funny though, I’ve found in life those who like to “dish it out” very rarely “take it” when called out!

Hey go, such is life 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I totally agree 👏👏👏

Me too.
Well said, Cossy.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word, both on GN, and also in real life in the OP.

Sorry, I was a bit outspoken with my comment calling you a self-made martyr.

Oops sorry, my thoughts ran away with my relating to it tapping on SM when it was clearly face 2 face being discussed here.

And for the OP's sil, Sorry, of course you're included, my bossiness was out of order. It's your lovely daughter after all.

Cossy

Ladies (mainly Ladies methinks) can we not have a conversation, a debate or an opinion without coming across as rude and/or completely lacking in empathy?

It seems not, how very sad when in this tough world of ours I thought Gransnet would be a place of refuge and support!

There’s ways and means of disagreeing with people and it doesn’t need to be unpleasant!

Funny though, I’ve found in life those who like to “dish it out” very rarely “take it” when called out!

Hey go, such is life 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I totally agree 👏👏👏

The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well
🥘 🫖 ⚫️.

butterandjam

*Recently at a family lunch I found my sister in law was arranging a date for a “family “ outing to my DD’s Regents Park production (including my son in law’s father). It wasn’t until I sort of “ahemmed” and asked if I was included, that she condescended to ask if I wanted to go too*

The difference between you and me, is that in the above scenario I'd be delighted someone was organising an extended family outing to support DD's production.

SIL, or any reasonable person, would assume that as DD's mother I already had a complimentary ticket and VIP front row seat .

So I would respond to SIL EITHER " That's great, hope you all enjoy it. I'll be at < different performance>, really looking forward to it"

OR " I'll be at the same performance, Already got my ticket"

You're just looking for offence where there was none. A self-made martyr.

Far from being "sensitive", you're demonstrating the opposite; unperceptive and thick-skinned.

Very unkind and uncalled for.

MawsRosie, I can feel for you coming home to atmospheres. My DM was not like that, she would get what she called 'aerated' over something I did sometimes and tell me off (probably well deserved) but there was never an atmosphere.

sixandahalf

Allira

sixandahalf

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

The point is that this was face to face.
Your issue is quite different and really rather irrelevant.

Yes, MawsRosie, it was tasteless and hurtful. Is she usually like this? A strange thing to do.

I have found people round here (not GN! locally) can be very cliquey sometimes. I have belonged to a group for many years but there is a Special Group of Chosen Ones within the group, run by a Queen Bee who make sure others know what a lovely time they all have when they go out for lunches, afternoon teas etc.
I'm not the only one who feels snubbed. After many years, we have decided to leave which is sad.

The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well.

Que?
I have rarely engaged with you!

AskAlice

I'm like you MawsRosie, I pick up on atmospheres and tension. To add to that, I absolutely hate confrontation. It's a very uncomfortable feeling, isn't it?

But when push comes to shove, I have been known in the past on several occasions to stand up very strongly for myself or my family to the astonishment of those who have been tactless, dismissive or thoughtless. When that has happened in the past, they have backed down pretty damn quickly, probably because they realise that is not my default setting to be quick to take offense and bite back without good reason.

I don't know what to advise, but wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel and can empathise.

If it was one of my children being criticised or excluded I would say something.
Having children gave me courage!

Otherwise I would probably retreat gracefully.

GrannyGravy13

butterandjam I find your post very hurtful and insensitive.

She also says that this is a lifetime issue since childhood.

She asked, of this specific incident, AIBU, is she over- sensitive?

So I gave her the answer.

Should she continue to see imaginary offence in every harmless friendly exchange? Or, should she try to see other peoples point of view.

She could ask herself, what was SIL's reason for inviting the family to DD's event.

Was it to encourage those who might not have bothered?
Would family attendance and support please DD?

AskAlice

I'm like you MawsRosie, I pick up on atmospheres and tension. To add to that, I absolutely hate confrontation. It's a very uncomfortable feeling, isn't it?

But when push comes to shove, I have been known in the past on several occasions to stand up very strongly for myself or my family to the astonishment of those who have been tactless, dismissive or thoughtless. When that has happened in the past, they have backed down pretty damn quickly, probably because they realise that is not my default setting to be quick to take offense and bite back without good reason.

I don't know what to advise, but wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel and can empathise.

Good for you

Ladies (mainly Ladies methinks) can we not have a conversation, a debate or an opinion without coming across as rude and/or completely lacking in empathy?

It seems not, how very sad when in this tough world of ours I thought Gransnet would be a place of refuge and support!

There’s ways and means of disagreeing with people and it doesn’t need to be unpleasant!

Funny though, I’ve found in life those who like to “dish it out” very rarely “take it” when called out!

Hey go, such is life 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

sixandahalf

Allira

sixandahalf

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

The point is that this was face to face.
Your issue is quite different and really rather irrelevant.

Yes, MawsRosie, it was tasteless and hurtful. Is she usually like this? A strange thing to do.

I have found people round here (not GN! locally) can be very cliquey sometimes. I have belonged to a group for many years but there is a Special Group of Chosen Ones within the group, run by a Queen Bee who make sure others know what a lovely time they all have when they go out for lunches, afternoon teas etc.
I'm not the only one who feels snubbed. After many years, we have decided to leave which is sad.

The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well.

You said you preferred someone to say!
Face to face might be difficult as I don't know you.

Can't win. 😀

I am you definitely. I’m troubled with after thought and could kick myself at a later date. All my life I think I’ve been a ‘ pleaser’ just went along with what everyone wanted to keep the peace. One day at work I sort of blew well for me it was blowing! After that day people treat me different and knew I wasn’t to be messed with. I’m ok with family as much as I love them i won’t let them use me now.

I'm like you MawsRosie, I pick up on atmospheres and tension. To add to that, I absolutely hate confrontation. It's a very uncomfortable feeling, isn't it?

But when push comes to shove, I have been known in the past on several occasions to stand up very strongly for myself or my family to the astonishment of those who have been tactless, dismissive or thoughtless. When that has happened in the past, they have backed down pretty damn quickly, probably because they realise that is not my default setting to be quick to take offense and bite back without good reason.

I don't know what to advise, but wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel and can empathise.

I’d have felt sidelined too maw. Your sister in law was being both thoughtless and mean spirited. Good for you for reminding her you were there and should be included.

Personally I think I’ve come full circle. A shy, introverted child often scared around other people I gradually became more confident, stopped assuming a tense atmosphere was my fault. Eventually I thrived in a challenging profession where I knew I was both respected and valued as a person. Retiring 11 years ago I feel I’ve come full circle, joining new groups feels impossible, I don’t feel I fit, including with parts of my family, I struggle to express my needs and find it hard to say no to people for fear of offending them. I can put on a face and act, I think part of the problem for me is I simply don’t want to.

Allira

sixandahalf

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

The point is that this was face to face.
Your issue is quite different and really rather irrelevant.

Yes, MawsRosie, it was tasteless and hurtful. Is she usually like this? A strange thing to do.

I have found people round here (not GN! locally) can be very cliquey sometimes. I have belonged to a group for many years but there is a Special Group of Chosen Ones within the group, run by a Queen Bee who make sure others know what a lovely time they all have when they go out for lunches, afternoon teas etc.
I'm not the only one who feels snubbed. After many years, we have decided to leave which is sad.

The all too familiar put down from you.Ah well.

It all sounds a bit odd. It's not unrealistic to presume that of course Maw will be going anyway however, SiL should have enquired.
Has she always been a managing sort of bossy thoughtless person? Is this just the sort of thing she would do? Try not to let it get to you Maw. It's all good for your DD.

valdali

Why would you assume that Mum had a complimentary ticket, Butter & jam? Easy enough to check with her...

& despite your protestations, I think if you were in the situation that MawsRosie was in at that family lunch, you would have been hurt. You don't seem to have the imagination to put yourself in her place.

Regents Park Open Air theatre doesn’t give complimentary tickets!

Why would you assume that Mum had a complimentary ticket, Butter & jam? Easy enough to check with her...

& despite your protestations, I think if you were in the situation that MawsRosie was in at that family lunch, you would have been hurt. You don't seem to have the imagination to put yourself in her place.

sixandahalf

I do think this type of hurtful behaviour is on the increase. My theory is if we wanted to let somebody down or whatever we had to do it face to face. Now people can do as they please by tapping away. Deleting, blocking, hiding.
It's horrible.

The point is that this was face to face.
Your issue is quite different and really rather irrelevant.

Yes, MawsRosie, it was tasteless and hurtful. Is she usually like this? A strange thing to do.

I have found people round here (not GN! locally) can be very cliquey sometimes. I have belonged to a group for many years but there is a Special Group of Chosen Ones within the group, run by a Queen Bee who make sure others know what a lovely time they all have when they go out for lunches, afternoon teas etc.
I'm not the only one who feels snubbed. After many years, we have decided to leave which is sad.

butterandjam I find your post very hurtful and insensitive.

Cricky ButterandJam that’s harsh and hard, not pleasant at all, are you always so black and white, cut and dried and actually harsh

butterandjam You may not have meant it to come across as such, but your comment unnecessary, rude and particularly unkind as the OP had already expressed she was upset.

Perhaps your last paragraph aimed at her could equally apply to you ?

Wow, your sis in law is a piece of work, as they say. How rude of her.
I think you should say something to her, perhaps at a later date after the production.
Does your DD know about the arrangement?

GrannyGravy13

Coasy I could have written your post.

I can smile and brazen things out when inside I am crying and a nervous wreck. Years of practice makes near perfect…

Your sister-in-law was tackles and thoughtless Maw