Instant dislike

You sound very wise to me, Aveline, and I suspect you will be comforted at the next coffee do - the one without said individual….
Life’s too short not to listen to your instincts!

They recon people make a decision very quickly about someone. Have you ever decided against someone , then changed your mind only to find your first impression was correct. Not saying this is correct but !!!

It would be wonderful to a perfect person and model of tolerance but, unfortunately, I'm not! I know all the things I should think and feel but, alas, I just don't. I'm only human.

I do have a feeling about certain people, but would never judge at first aquaintance., usually my first instinct is right..

omega1

its better to be tolerant. other people in the group may not like you but don't show it. She is only one person who proably wants to have some friends. Be friendly to her. You ha\ve nothing to lose.

This!

It actually hurts me to think that people can make such snap decisions about someone they have literally only just met, without very real justification.

My mother was judgmental like that, disliking/talking disparagingy about neighbours and new acquaintances who weren't exactly like her.

No one has to 'like' everyone, but a reasonable level of tolerance and inclusion is surely a good thing in groups that are open to new members (as opposed to close friendship groups).

My eldest daughter is a primary school teacher and much loved by present and previous pupils over many years and teachers. A new teacher has started and seems to be going out of her way to undermine my daughter, my daughter is always very friendly and welcoming and goes out of her way to help everyone. This woman seems to be very two faced and takes every opportunity to cause trouble, she is younger than my daughter by 10 years, who is in her fifties and has been at the school for 20 years. My daughter is at a loss to know what to do, she has made every effort to be welcoming but this woman can be friendly one minute and unpleasant and conniving the next. She seems to find/invent anything to put my daughter in a bad light. I hate to see my girl so unhappy, she is very hard working and will go to any lengths to help pupils with problems both at school and home. I have told her not to say much to this woman and not to trust her with any confidences, which is normally against her nature. Any further advice...

Aveline

Have just been invited for coffee at a friend's house- just me and another friend from the group. The other lady not invited. Gosh.

Maybe others feel the same as you?

I have taken an instant dislike to someone on a couple of occasions and actually ended up warming to them so give her a chance and see how it goes. It’s hard being the newbie.

I have found recently that a couple of friends I really liked and enjoyed their company over a few years now irritate me. Maybe I’m just getting less tolerant as I get older who knows.

There aren't many people I dislike but I generally know straight away. However, I wouldn't tell them or anyone else and I'd try to chat inconsequentially with them without actually seeking them out. I certainly wouldn't ignore them pointedly, Veda. How rude of that woman and not Christian (if it was a Christian church). She forgot about "love they neighbour"!

You were there first. Keep going. Maybe she will drop out. The same thing happened to our very jolly quiz team when a very unjolly woman joined. Happily she left.

If you feel mean, then you are being mean. We come up against people we don't like all the time. How do the others find her?. If they all get on with her then it's just you.

That's a shame Veda. I'm sorry that happened to you.
However, I'm going to go with my gut. It's not let me down yet.

Veda

Hi. I just want to say, please give this lady a chance. Your feelings could be wrong. I say this because I was attending a church. There was a lady there who totally ignored me. I coped with this for a long time but it troubled me a lot, so eventually I spoke to the leader. She spoke to this lady & even the lady’s daughter in law tried to, but she had a strong dislike for me even though she knew nothing about me, & she told the leader she would never ever speak to me. I ended up leaving the church. It was a very small congregation so. I couldn’t cope with sitting opposite her with this very unpleasant situation in a building that is supposed to be full of God’s love. So as I said before, I urge you to at least to give this person a chance.

So sorry you had this to deal with Veda, hope you found somewhere nicer to attend .

Me too grandMattie the first instinct I get about someone is usually right. Gut feelings can be survival mode being activated.

A couple of times when I've told myself not to be so horrible and judgmental about someone and I've given them chances I've lived to regret it. More than once I'd been right all along, right from the start.

I don’t know. Every time I’ve disregarded my gut feeling, it’s been a disaster, so - up to you!

Hi. I just want to say, please give this lady a chance. Your feelings could be wrong. I say this because I was attending a church. There was a lady there who totally ignored me. I coped with this for a long time but it troubled me a lot, so eventually I spoke to the leader. She spoke to this lady & even the lady’s daughter in law tried to, but she had a strong dislike for me even though she knew nothing about me, & she told the leader she would never ever speak to me. I ended up leaving the church. It was a very small congregation so. I couldn’t cope with sitting opposite her with this very unpleasant situation in a building that is supposed to be full of God’s love. So as I said before, I urge you to at least to give this person a chance.

I have generally found that if I strongly dislike someone immediately then I later find I really like them whereas if I just think someone isn't very nice then I'm usually right.
I would continue with the coffee mornings but would be very wary of mentioning anything personal. As others have said maybe she's just trying too hard and may 'settle down' a bit more once she knows people. It would be silly to avoid your friends because of one person.

its better to be tolerant. other people in the group may not like you but don't show it. She is only one person who proably wants to have some friends. Be friendly to her. You ha\ve nothing to lose.

In this sort of situation I often think perhaps they don't like me either, but I'm not going to leave a group because of it. We can't all like everyone.

Someone new joined a group I was in, a few years ago. Later that evening, I fell down a step in the host’s house - other people came over to make sure I was ok but she just laughed at me and said it was funny.

At another meeting, just after my sister died of a brain tumour, people were being very kind to me. This person asked how old my sister had been. When I told her, she said she knew someone who had a brain tumour as well, but he’d been younger than my sister when he’d died so it was worse for her to lose a friend than me losing my sister. I was speechless!

I avoided her after that and then we moved anyway. Curiously, a very old friend of mine later met her and they struck up a great friendship - I could never quite get my head round that.

In 1976 I went up to Aberdeen with my then boyfriend to stay with a university couple he was close friends with. She and I hated each other on first sight.
We later became the best of friends until her death 7 years ago. It turned out that I was jealous of her because she was married and she was jealous of me because I was (apparently then) beautiful. It took us a few years to realise how close we were and losing her was devastating.

cornergran

I was recently told by another member of a quite large group that they really didn’t like me at first but have decided now - after several years - I’m all right. Oh good. 🤣. I’m not sure what she thought when I laughed.

This person has a reputation for plain speaking. I rarely spend much time with her. I don't dislike her, just little in common. It takes all sorts.

This reminds me a woman from our church craft group. She won a bunch of flowers in a competition on FB and I congratulated her and said how lovely they were. She blocked me. Charming!

I was recently told by another member of a quite large group that they really didn’t like me at first but have decided now - after several years - I’m all right. Oh good. 🤣. I’m not sure what she thought when I laughed.

This person has a reputation for plain speaking. I rarely spend much time with her. I don't dislike her, just little in common. It takes all sorts.

There's a woman who's joined a group I'm in and I find her very hard work. She's new to the area, and seems to think she's come to the sticks to show us all how things should be done. For years we've had a Facebook page that we use to announce things - nothing earth-shattering, just whether we can attend or not, news about the purpose of the group etc, and she's told us that we aren't being inclusive as she doesn't use FB. Fair enough, it's not compulsory, but it's free and easy to use, so if she doesn't want to use it it's up to her, but we aren't going to close our little group page for her.

She's also objected to the way we collect our subs, and various other things, although she's only been to two or three meetings. We are a happy and informal group, and weren't looking for her 'advice'. I'm always happy for new members to join us, but I rather hope she decides we're not for her.

An abrasive personality joined my old book group, boastful and annoying. It was generally agreed she was a coughdrop, so the unofficial organiser sacked her! Rather him than me and took some courage.
I sometimes see (and hear) her at church bazaars etc. and quickly hide😁