Instant dislike

Enjoy the old guard Aveline.😀

Our yarn group has grown from 3 of us to about 15 now if everyone comes.
It has changed quite a lot over the 10 years since I joined.
You can only really speak to people who sit next to you.
A new young woman has recently joined. She has some health problems so doesn't go out to work and is hard to chat to because she never instigates a conversation.

I think we've all become less cliquey and more inclusive thanks to her.

Have just been invited for coffee at a friend's house- just me and another friend from the group. The other lady not invited. Gosh.

Esmay

I feel guilty as I'm supposed to be a Christian ,but I find some of our church ladies really cliquey and some of them are unpleasant.
One of them comes to our exercise class and she's rude and argumentative with the teacher .
My old teacher would have asked her to leave after one session .
I saw her at church last week and after three years my opinion hasn't changed .

Christians are human! - or so I find ....

I hate to say that my older sister can be difficult to take in large doses. I love her to bits but have to admit that I find her abrasive manner bordering on rude highly irritating and have told her so, but she never listens. However a group she joined lately sent a couple of the group to talk with her privately and the upshot is she was told that they didn’t think she was a good fit for the group. She has been in high dudgeon ever since.

I think three is a difficult number of people for a social event. I realised that when I tried to do things with my two best friends and it didn't work at all. I did dislike someone once only to find that, when I spent time with just them they were really lovely. Which changed my mind about my gut feelings. However I did join a U3A group and had to stop going as they made me feel so unwelcome.

I feel guilty as I'm supposed to be a Christian ,but I find some of our church ladies really cliquey and some of them are unpleasant.
One of them comes to our exercise class and she's rude and argumentative with the teacher .
My old teacher would have asked her to leave after one session .
I saw her at church last week and after three years my opinion hasn't changed .

Give her a chance .... she may settle.

Mind you I belong to a much larger group of women and new person joined and she is SO LOUD it does my head in, as they say. I ducked out of a trip the other day as the thought of a total of 3 hours in the car with her was more than I could face!

I don't think I'm like this lady at all. Maybe the reason she's come into my life is to chase me away from my friends? I certainly hope not.
I'll wait till the others return from holiday before I go back.

There's a famous saying..'What we dislike about someone is the same as what is in ourselves' And I don't mean that to be harsh. But it has happened to me, it was a bit of a learning curve and we are now very close friends. It took a long time to get there but I'd trust her with my life. Sometimes I think certain people come into our life for a reason. Though it might not be obvious to begin with.

There’s a lady in my small group that meets once a month and I don’t dislike her I just don’t want to discuss family matters with her. She can come across as a bit smug with the perfect family. But I won’t stop going to the group because the other two are very close friends. It’s a difficult one though and I have no solutions to offer, sorry Aveline.

Aveline

Wise advice from you all. I can't quite work out what it is I don't like about her. Maybe the way she talks about her family. She doesn't seem to be very sensitive and seems inappropriately smug at times.
Other group members are off on holiday at present. It would only have been three of us this morning so I fled! I just couldn't face it.

I was going to say ...give her a chance....then you said 'smug' .....smug is not good 🙄.....I will predict that your gut feeling will be right

My gut let me down when I reacted in the same way to meeting a new face once Aveline, I can't get over how different she is from first meeting her! She is totally supportive, kind, funny and goes the extra yard.
I have however seen exactly the same opinionated, dismissive and curt personality reclaim her when meeting someone else for the first time and realised how insecure she can be.
Very much hoping this turns out to be the case for you.

I should say that I can also instantly like someone even though we've only just met. This happened recently with a new neighbour and I'm so pleased to know her. She immediately felt like a friend.

I have this instinct too. Decide almost instantly if I like someone new/ feel uncomfortable. Have only ever changed my mind once in the whole of my life.

Maybe try the group a few more times but sit by someone else. If it continues to be deeply uncomfortable can you try and have coffee with just a few members you like . The alternative is stopping going really, sorry.

Yes maybe she's trying too hard but it's been a fair few weeks now so I suspect that's what she's actually like. I'll try to control my instant reaction to just avoid!

It can be really difficult to join an established group as a newbie and lots of people struggle. tbh I'd give her a chance. I think a lot of us try too hard initially or are too quiet and people get the wrong impression.

As a linguist, my ears are always the first sense I use if I get a 'gut' feeling. Why not go, listen closely and see if you can nail her conversation style. Does she use a lot of negatives? Does she not listen to other people? Does she talk just about herself, indeed, trying to upstage others in the group? If you can gain clarity on this, it may help you to decide whether you want to leave or if you can just ignore her. Good luck! You always make sure insightful comments I am sure you will find the way that suits you.

Can understand not wanting to go to a group of 3.
I disliked on sight a woman who I later really got on well with. So that was a bad bit of judgement.
But dont stop going to a group you enjoy when there are more members there. Sit far away. Switch off when she talks, but just be polite. Don't discuss her with anyone. She may not last long. At the group I mean.

Wise advice from you all. I can't quite work out what it is I don't like about her. Maybe the way she talks about her family. She doesn't seem to be very sensitive and seems inappropriately smug at times.
Other group members are off on holiday at present. It would only have been three of us this morning so I fled! I just couldn't face it.

I wouldn’t stop going Aveline. That would be cutting off your nose to spite your face. As others have suggested, just avoid sitting too close to her, and try to keep an open mind. If you’d prefer not to talk about your family and problems, just avoid doing so and contribute to the general conversation.
Incidentally, what is it about her that you dislike? I must admit to occasionally making snap judgments about new people I’ve met, but given time have really got to like them.

You say a ‘little’ coffee group so does this mean is hard to just sit with other group members and try to chat to established friends?
I understand that this could be hard.
But don’t miss out, as others have said give this new member the benefit of the doubt. One of my best friends, sadly no longer alive, was someone I disliked on sight and took time to warm to, later she confided that she hadn’t liked me either initially. Perhaps this new member is just trying too hard to fit in with an established group.
All the best.

It’s a hard one.
Your gut feeling is probably spot on but why should you give up on something -and some people- you like?
She just may be trying too hard to impress and once she feels more comfortable you may see a nicer side to her.
Alternatively others may feel like you and perhaps she will find it less welcoming and drift away.
Either way, “don’t cut off your nose to spite your face” !
I feel exactly the same about somebody in my book group and just switch off when she is pontificating. Others seem more impressed but who knows, I may not be alone in my opinion and neither might you.

How many are in the group? How did she join?

Agree don't stop going. If you have this feeling about her, I'm sure you won't be the only one.
From experience (more from workplace) the person in question doesn't fit in and leaves.

I tend to trust my gut but, you never know, she may grow on you. I tend to feel a bit of dislike when someone new joins our coffee group, but that's just because I like the group and resist change. It's a me thing. I'd say give her a chance and see what happens. You'll find out in due course. One of the women who joined that I felt resistance to is now a very good friend.