Should I say something?

We all handle grief and bereavement differently but I do also acknowledge that we all handle is differently in situations as they arise. Sadly this friend see the social occasions as an outlet for her to share her grief with little regard to what others might be going through and I would kindly suggest that when this person takes control of the conversation someone gently says ‘why don’t we talk about the plans for out next outing ‘ or something similar and divert the conversation assertively and deliberately.
I’m not saying that grief becomes easier but I do know that my lovely friends don’t want to hear about my mums untimely and horrendous death every time we meet up for coffee.

On a practical level, is there a "leader" of the group as such, either yourself Aveline or another member who often takes the lead?

If so, maybe a suggestion from them that future chats would be within a timed framework, such as the spoon idea - whoever holds the spoon has the turn to speak with the spoon passing on at the end of an allotted time.

It doesn't need to be a permanent thing as it might not work in a chat group over time but a few sessions might just break the cycle of her domineering the whole of the conversation.

Best wishes in a very difficult situation, suffering grief is terrible thing.

There’s really no easy answer here but she is in danger of losing the few friends she has, as people will inevitably lose sympathy with her.

Aveline

I did have a chat with her this morning and suggested that she go back to the counsellor but she just batted the suggestion aside and continued to talk about how lonely she was.

I think you have done all you can do. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. A lady died aged 99, of my close acquaintance, who lost her husband too soon and all her beloved sisters, years before she died, had an expression, "Life is for the living". It basically means enjoy your own life now and don't let time pass you by. I would try to avoid social occasions she attends and just try to put her out of my mind.

Aveline

I did have a chat with her this morning and suggested that she go back to the counsellor but she just batted the suggestion aside and continued to talk about how lonely she was.

Well you tried.

I did have a chat with her this morning and suggested that she go back to the counsellor but she just batted the suggestion aside and continued to talk about how lonely she was.

Sparky51

Nice comment

'Ignorant' used in the sense of uninformed, unaware.

Good advice Franski Well put.

I know someone similar whose husband died about a year ago, and sadly she just repeatedly talks at people, who are often strangers. She is alienating people and they are now actively avoiding her.
Unfortunately she doesn’t benefit from the unloading, unlike if she was talking to a counsellor when they might ask her to talk about her feelings and help her to move on and adjust.
She is obviously lonely and I’ve suggested social groups and volunteering opportunities.

I sympathise with Aveline. We all face bereavement and many of us are widowed. We need good deep friends to lean on hard through acute times. But grief also needs to have public guardrails or nothing would function. I don't think the answer is to 'put up' with this poor woman and treat her as though her loss trumps everyone else's.
She is clearly a bit out of balance. I think that crises, losses, deaths all accentuate the character of the person. This lady may already be someone who lacks self awareness. If the OP is close enough to her think about talking to her about it. If not, then let her be. Social situations usually sort themselves out x

It's early days for this lady - just over a year.

Maybe you could gently say: "The sad details of your OH's death do seem to be uppermost in your mind all the time. Are there any things that might help you to move on that we could help with?"

greyfur has it - there is grief and there is PTSD and what this lady needs is a psychotherapist who is experienced in dealing with both loss and trauma. It's a shame she's been to a bereavement therapist and a bereavement group and found neither to be right for her but in my opinion you should say something, pointing out that maybe now with the passage of time, she could benefit more from that type of interaction. However, if you knew this person before she became a widow and she was loud and dominating then, that's a different issue because you can guess that she's an attention seeker and collectively as a group you need to make rules about turn-taking in discussion. Children in school are taught how to do this.

Dodo43 I think you've hit the nail on the head. We were talking about her and another friend suggested that maybe she's always been like that ie talking about herself and her feelings. I reckon she might be right. From what I gather her late husband really pandered to her. She doesn't actually talk about him really, only about how she's feeling.

Maybe you could suggest some sort of bereavement counselling?

Without wanting to minimise the awfulness of grief, I wonder whether this lady monopolised conversation before her very sad change in circumstances

That's generally how things work in life.
Nobody wants to hear over and over again a full run down of the last weeks of somebodys life, their death, but I'm sure they have no objection at all to hearing the person's name spoken, and the tears that might evoke.
Its far more healthy to speak about the person than to bottle it up.

We all do grief in our own different ways.

I have avoided dwelling ion it when in company, but say things like "Before B died" etc., and inject relevant info for those going through something similar.

I do not know what is best - it may be that what is best for me differs from what is best for friends and family. It may be that this lady finds it really helpful to offload with people she knows, even though it has become tedious for everyone else.

I feel that people expect me to be over it - 6 years now so perhaps they are right. But I can't say I think I will ever recover really. A lot of the time I do what I think will keep everyone else happy.

Julia Samuels writes very well about grief. Marie Curie offer a helpline, where a person can quickly get through to somebody and chat/ offload.

Beechnut

I’m doing something wrong. I didn’t know you were supposed to to have stopped crying after ten years.

Grief has not time nor pattern, it affects us all in different way, but there is such a thing as complex grief, but not until well after 3 years or even more. Give the lady time and guide her gently asking her to listen to when other people speak. People should in a kind way ask her to let them finish speaking before she has her turn. Perhaps someone could sit with her and hold her hand, just giving her the one to one attention she needs so much. Perhaps meet with her for an hour first and let her talk as much as she needs to, hopefully she will gradually listen to others. Has she got a special friend in the group who would do that?

I do sympathise with you as it can be so draining, The first year is adjusting to the death, I found also my other widowed friends say the second year is worse, it is the realisation that they are never coming back. I have a friend very similar so now limit the times we meet up for my own sanity.

Yes even better choosing a topic. Might take her out of her grief for a short while and lift her spirits , as well as the group's.

Whether you say something or not, depends very much in my opinion upon how well you know this lady.

Anyone who is grieving, and most of those who live alone, do tend to talk too much when with others.

If you value this person's friendship, then try to point out to her kindly, but firmly that she is monopolising coversation to such an extent that others cannot discuss their situation, worries or grieve. Tell her this is affecting the group's dynamic, and ask her to give others more space to talk of their affairs.

You risk her being hurt and offended, but if you say nothing she will, sooner or later, be hurt. Either because one of the others blows up and tells her to stop making everything about her loss and her feelings, or because they will stop coming when they know she is going to be present.

Then she will be left wondering what has happened, and you will, when it is too late to do anying about it, be left having to tell her that her lack of consideration has driven them away.

I was widowed myself 2½ years ago, and obviously I still miss my husband, but if I am to have friends and a life worth living, I must interest myself in other peoples' concerns and not make everything about me and my loss.

Even within those topics, there is scope for your friend to speak about her husband, without needing to turn the whole thing onto its head.
Its natural to want to speak about him, and its natural it might trigger some tears, but the subject can be bought back on track, gently.

Could your group have a nominated topic each week - Recipes, Garden flowers, Holidays, days out etc - if you all agreed what the topic is next week you can gently nudge the lady to be "on topic" if she wanders into her grief?

I'm agreeing with both greyfur and MissAdventure. Does the rest of the group feel the same? Maybe one of you could meet up with her, be honest with her and say that you want to support her, and the group is a way to share everyone's worries, concerns and happiness. Suggest that listening to others could help her get some relief from her own grief as that's what a group is good for. Maybe gently say that you think she needs some more help with adjusting to her different life without her husband. I have a friend who was completely stuck in the trauma of her husband's illness and death for years. I don't know how you're supposed to reinvent yourself after the loss of a loved one. So don't know if you can think around that one without withdrawing your support completely.