Social Media Grandparenting

I suppose what you never have you don’t miss, but I have never lived close to any of my grandchildren.They’re now university age ànd I see them a few times a year. We’ve always had lots of photos and WhatsApp news, family holidays, Christmas visits.. I would hotly dispute that I love them less and take less interest in them than if I’d lived close to them when they were small.

So I hope it isn’t too insensitive to say Cheer up, don’t pine for what can’t be and enjoy them when you can.

I suppose it is thought to be helpful.

Like when you say you have a headache for example and all you want is someone to say I'm sorry, but they say have you had paracetamol, cup of tea, drink of water etc etc. Yes of course I have.

Or when your Dad dies and they ask how old and then say "a good innings" or such like and you want them just to say I am sorry.
So really when you say you miss them and want to see them you want someone to say "I am sorry, that must make you sad". Or similar.

It is difficult to hold back when you want to cheer someone up or look on the bright side. Can't do right for doing wrong.

I have a friend who is always saying "Keep smiling" however awful the situation is. That annoys me so much. But its just what she thinks is comforting I suppose.

I don’t think anyone means to be upsetting or annoying.

Yes, it is easier now to “get to know” distant GC, no, of course it’s not the same as a hug.

Well, I suppose newatthis is a bit similar to people who have grandchildren talking about having grandchildren tio people who don’t have any.

Have you ever done that to anyone?

We can all be a bit tactless at times.

🙂

Lathyrus3 - No, I haven't actually. Some of my friends don't have grandchildren for different reasons so I don't overtalk about mine, unless they ask. You're right about people being tactless.

It’s a half way house. My parents could only speak on the phone to their grandchildren in Australia, and being able to see each other via video link is a great improvement on that, as your grandchildren will know you when they do see you, and you will be able to watch them growing up. Of course, it’s not the same as seeing each other regularly, but I think people are right if they say that it’s better than it was in the past.

They are our grandchildren, not our children. I only see mine occasionally because they don’t live near me, but this seems quite natural to me. I love them dearly.

As for babysitting, I’m quite glad that I’ve never lived close enough to do that. I was very happy to bring up children once, but I have no desire to do it twice!

I live about 5 minutes from my daughter and her family, and did a lot wiyh the children when they were babies. They have been on holiday in the USA for two weeks and I have missed them a lot. A couple of What's App messages isn't really cutting it. I would hate to always be limited to this sort of contact. I like to see them in person, and often.

i was never bothered about grandchildren, my son is with a fantastic lady who already had a son, but 6 years ago they had a little boy, i love him to bits and used to see him once a month before he started school, i saw him at easter and again last week, he has autism and some other problems, he does not like cuddles and can only say a few words, but as long as i know he is happy i am fine with that. i never intended to have any children, i decided that at 15 but i had a son, so grandchildren had never entered my mind, i may be a bit unusual but more and more couples are not having children, 2 couples in my family decided that before they married and mothers are still giving them a hard time. i would never say anything about seeing or not seeing your grandchildren as everyone feels different.

It’s quite insensitive, but probably just made as a comment, rather, I hope, than any kind of oneupmanship? It’s a bit like telling someone who’s had a c-section that they haven’t experienced a proper birth, or that formula is a poor substitute for breast milk, without knowing the reason behind either.
I worked with a very religious woman who told me I wasn’t properly married (in the eyes of God) as I’d only had a registry office ceremony.

Newatthis

I know that many of us live far away from our grandchildren and the oly relationship we have with them is chatting on WhatsApp or Facetime or the occasional times you get to spend with them. For those of you who know this, this can be heartbreaking. For those of you who see their grandchildren regularly (or those that don't have grandchildren), please don't tell us that we should be thankful for FT and What's App. Yes, it does give us the opportunity to 'see' our grandchildren but we don't get the hugs and kisses, the babysitting/child minding etc etc and the opportunity to show our love in kindness. I have had this said to me many times and found it upsetting and insensitive.

Being told that you "should be thankful" in such circumstances is rather tactless when you are clearly sad - that goes for any such family situations.

I'm sure you are thankful that you can FT and WA anyway.

My whole remaining family now live abroad so I see my son and grandchildren infrequently.

During a visit when my youngest grandson was 6, we were all talking about this very subject round the dinner table. As we were clearing up afterward, he followed me into the kitchen and said, "Granny, I know we don't see you very often, but when we do come here, we do have quality-time, don't we"...

I thought this was fairly profound for a 6-year old - but also, quite comforting - and genuine - because he was leaning over the kitchen sink and looking at me when he said it. I felt less sad at their later departure.

I hope, Newatthis that you get some quality-time with your grandchildren who obviously mean such a lot to you.

It’s not only GC that I miss, it’s spending time with my DS & DIL. My son left for uni at 18 and never came home, met & married a lovely woman then had GS 15 months ago & GC2 on the way soon.
I’d love to spend time more watching my son be a father, spend time being a hands on GP but it’s not going to happen (as much as I want it)
As you say, it’s hard when friends who don’t have GC or whose GC live close by say insensitive comments. My own mother, who had all of her GC close by, occasionally comments that I’m not a proper GP & it hurts.
FT & WA are ok, but like you I miss the hugs & being nearby for those little milestones, babysitting duties etc.
You’re not alone & I feel for you, wishing you well 🫶

I have neighbours aged 86 and 83 whose now adult GC are in Australia. They have always travelled there, twice a year sometimes. Now, it's the young adults who can't wait to come to Europe and see their cool GPs.

We have GCs not too far away here but two GCs in Australia we don’t see very much at all. Our son lives over there and was married to a lovely young woman but then they divorced, they had two small children at that time. Now our DiL has remarried and has another child. Our son is not the greatest parent, he doesn’t really see his own children unless our DiL insists, and she has been doing much less of that lately. So is really hard to have any kind of relationship with our GCs. We used to travel there every other year but now my DH is too disabled after suffering a massive stroke.
So I know how upsetting it is to not be able to see GCs regularly, though thankfully I have GCs here to cuddle and cherish, but that doesn’t take away the hurt.

Two of my grandchildren live in another country so most of our contact is on FaceTime, but I try to get there once a year and am always greeted with big hugs and delight at seeing me, which always surprises, but delights me too. So don't be too worried Newatthis, you can still build a great relationship. with them.

Newatthis

I know that many of us live far away from our grandchildren and the oly relationship we have with them is chatting on WhatsApp or Facetime or the occasional times you get to spend with them. For those of you who know this, this can be heartbreaking. For those of you who see their grandchildren regularly (or those that don't have grandchildren), please don't tell us that we should be thankful for FT and What's App. Yes, it does give us the opportunity to 'see' our grandchildren but we don't get the hugs and kisses, the babysitting/child minding etc etc and the opportunity to show our love in kindness. I have had this said to me many times and found it upsetting and insensitive.

Try having a narcissistic dil who has kept your DS and gc away from you for the last 5 years. Can't even WA or FT them and the youngest I don't even know. DS and I were close and in contact then within a week that all changed and we have no idea why.

Tooyoungytobeagrandma - maybe speak to your son as they are his children too. Perhaps he might give you the reasons why. There is another forum on this site which deals with Estrangement. They might offer some advice.

I actually said a, similar thing to my neighbour recently, she only see her grandkids in person once a year, the rest of the time it's by video calls. My daughter lives 2 minutes away so I see her kids a lot and the youngest spends nearly as much time here as he does at home.
Me saying that wasn't to be mean but to comfort her, that at least she did get to speak to them. There are many grandparents who never have any communication with their grandkids and before the internet relied on yearly visits and their dd phone call.

I'm estranged from mine - not my choice - & I'd love to be able to FT or WA. I hate seeing photos of others with theirs on SM, it's like twisting the knife that's stuck in my heart.

Well I am not entitled to comment because we emigrated and our children hardly ever saw their grandparents, not for years and years. When they did it was good, they had extended stays but it was sad saying goodbye at the airport. No FaceTime in those days.