What is our role as older people?

This is timely for me.
I have a few medical issues and seem to take a tablet to keep nearly all my body working.
Today I woke up and very much wondered what the point is.
I am no help to my children and can see a future where I'm a burden.
I still have my husband of over 40 years, but we struggle to find common ground these days. I try to be grateful just for being here, but I really do need a purpose and can't seem to find one at present. This will pass, but i can understand where the OP is coming from.

Mine is to be there for my family when im needed. Enjoy family time. But mostly enjoy my time doing the things I want to do. I’m booking a big holiday later this year to travel around Thailand. I’m going to drive from the south to Northumberland. My bucket list gets bigger every month. I’m divorced happy healthy and 70. 🌸

My role is whatever I choose it to be. I will be the one to define that, not others.

I spent a long time not knowing who I was, in reality. Fulfilled many roles, some better than others, professionally successful mainly, wonderful husband and children and now grandchildren who I love with all my heart. A couple of years ago, in my 60s, I was diagnosed as autistic and it all fell into place over the following few months. Lots of reflecting, quite a bit of overthinking, some Aha moments and some frankly appalling pain, but it made a difference in a good way. Getting older, every morning that I wake up, now, is a bonus, I am grateful for it. I stretch, listen to the world outside moving around, know that my husband has enabled us to have the means to enjoy the day, week, month, year. My eldest daughter has given me a mobility scooter and I can more easily get to the library. A joy. I can still work as a freelancer and continue to contribute to the community. My son and daughter in law just had their first baby, our fifth grandchild. Life is good. There are no words to share how grateful and privileged I feel. My role? I fill a gap in the world and am content to leave it at that.

merlotgran

What is my role?
I think it’s to love and cherish what’s left of my family, make the best of everything that comes my way, keep my independence and reasonably good health for as long as possible, only ask for help if I absolutely have to (usually for practical things)

And be the font of all wisdom, offering advice and understanding without opening my mouth and putting my foot in it (that one’s the hardest)

In order to be this paragon I have to get on with the neighbours, be of use to the community and never, ever whinge. 😇😇

A regular 🍷 or G&T helps enormously.

I’ll join you in a 🍷. I never whinge either, another😇 🤥

I’m 76yo and had my first daughter 3 days after my 21st birthday. My husband was a serial adulterer and terrible father. My second marriage 8 years after my divorce was worse than the first. He became increasingly controlling and physically abusive until I was forced to leave everything behind when I fled the family home aged 46 with 3 children under 5yo. I’ve spent most of my adult life until mid 60s being mother and father and now I want to do NOTHING except just be. I don’t want to volunteer and tbh even travelling to see my children is a hassle because they all live far away. I’m happy because we keep in close contact every day via FaceTime and WhatsApp and occasional visits. I’m happy if they’re happy and that’s all that matters.

To be happy is a good role, to support the younger family members,

In between coping with new medical conditions which waited till now to surprise me, I have taken up learning a musical instrument and music theory. Not structured just self-study. Its about the first time in my life I actually have time to just choose what I want to do

I feel part of my role is to smile at babies and toddlers, some of whom I see struggle to make eye contact.

I help my family in whatever capacity I can manage even if it's just emptying their dishwasher.

I own a dog and he keeps me busy being a good dog owner. He gives me exercise which helps to keep me thinking I may live longer than I feared after recent health scare.

I try to be a good friend to my friends old and new.

Luckygirl - I’m sorry that you are not being heard. I’ve put what you’ve said in the context of what else you’ve shared about your life on other threads and feel I understand what you are saying.

When I was working I was told that my special talent was lowering the tone of the staff room so I have carried on doing that in an over sixties group that I am part of.
It generally makes people laugh so I'm happy with that role.

*rafichagran

I do what I want to do. I don't need to have a role.

Quite agree rafichagran I have had many roles in my lifetime now is my time.*

But my time to do what when everything you want to do is physically thwarted!?

I am definitely not short of things I want to do .... I am just short of the ability to do them!

rafichagran

I do what I want to do. I don't need to have a role.

Quite agree rafichagran I have had many roles in my lifetime now is my time.

Fartooold

I reckon at 83 I am here to care for my 3 with LD! Sometimes I feel it is what keeps me going! I have several friends of similar age in the same situation and don’t we rant sometimes!!

LD = learning disability I think.

I suppose my role, insofar as I have ever thought about it, is to carry on enjoying life without being a burden as the years drag by, and to be available to support family and friends, when called upon, however I can.

It’s like William Morris’ quote - have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful of believe to be beautiful

"Neither use nor ornament" - it's a long time since I heard that phrase! My gran used to say it to me so it looks as though I have come full circle!

I'm neither use nor ornament these days.

I used to feel "oh I must be useful to family to be acceptable". but then found out, I didn't need to be "useful", but someone who was there as a caring listener. And I haven't been able to be "useful" for a time on any ways, but what I can maybe only give, is listening.

After all at our age we have all mostly had many life experiences, sorrows, happy bits, aches and pains, and they can inform us.

(And yes I admit avoid, people who just go on about one illness after another with no perception what I might be going through, there is one at the gym who didn't used to be like that and now is, and she has quite a lot of support elsewhere).

I'll be honest tho and dont know how I would be when very ill and helpless, and have due to their circumstances limited expectations of family, except I generally am happy to have "help" and don't feel independence at all costs is terribly important. Agency yes, but not total independence

merlotgran

What is my role?
I think it’s to love and cherish what’s left of my family, make the best of everything that comes my way, keep my independence and reasonably good health for as long as possible, only ask for help if I absolutely have to (usually for practical things)

And be the font of all wisdom, offering advice and understanding without opening my mouth and putting my foot in it (that one’s the hardest)

In order to be this paragon I have to get on with the neighbours, be of use to the community and never, ever whinge. 😇😇

A regular 🍷 or G&T helps enormously.

Interesting reply ....
Loving and cherishing ones family for me has had to take on a different form .... no longer can I look after anyone, give lifts, support their activities .... that cherishing now takes the form of encouragement and expressions of love. A very different scenario now.
Keeping independence and good health as long as possible ... a shared desire of us all I am sure. But when those ships are sailing rapidly over the horizon life takes on a very different hue and needs a rethink.
" .... without opening my mouth and putting my foot in it ..." This relates to part of the point of my original post. When opening your mouth needs thought in order not to load problems onto family/friends even though they are central to your life .... these challenges are what every day is about for many but we feel the need not to burden others. Every day the challenge of the question "How are you?" comes my way .... true answer is not one that anyone else might wish to hear! .... and I do not impose that on them .... so ... I lie! ..... and bash on as people tell me I am so strong ...... hmmmm
.

Oh you posted while I was typing Luckygirl and now I sound dismissive of your post😳

It wasn’t meant like that.

Somehow, after a lifetime of doing things for others, I just don’t feel the need any more.

At 85 years of age, I do find myself slightly surprised when I wake each morning that I am still here.
I live by myself, totally independently. Have various health conditions, all of which are managed.
When I moved into my flat, I designed all the alterations to suit my more sedentary lift style. Use electric wheelchair or mobility scooter to get to my activities.
Am not needed any more by my children or g.children. BUT, I have several volunteer roles where I AM needed.
Indeed, have actually printed out instructions for my children as to how to pass on appropriate memory sticks, information, keys, etc. etc. to these groups.
Do sometimes feel that I am taking up resources (mainly medical ones), have no idea how long this is likely to continue. I have now 'outlived' both my parents and my only sibling.
I am not actually 'waiting' to die, but am very prepared for this to happen - LPO's, Will and my affairs all in order and in place where all can be easily found.
At my local u3a there are very many of us in our eighties, several in their nineties and one group I attend monthly is run and chaired by a Lady who is now 101!!!!
Suppose we are the first generation of which so many of us live well beyond that three score year and ten.

I’m firmly in toddler mode.

I do what I’m told I have to do and the rest of the time I just enjoy myself.

As the Dali Lama said “The purpose of life is to be happy.”

The inevitable feeling of no longer coming first with anyone is quite hard but living an independent life is important and I am lucky to be able to do that.

So many of these replies (e.g being on holiday in France with family) depend on physical ability which some do not have; and on not being on your own. Side hustles are great when you can walk, get to shops, go out for the day, go to concert, walk down the garden or indeed do anything without being out of breath........
I am heavily involved with my community: writing for magazine, doing hall bookings, designing local publicity, organising musical stuff ..... things I can do sitting down basically. But I am on my own and have lots of problems with daily life .... I have to husband my energy to do even simple things round the house; and like many others I am in constant pain.
All problems the I am aware are shared by many here.
Which brings me back to my original post based on the observation generally that many contributions to this site have been about making the difficult transition from being active as parent/partner/worker to trying to become someone who is not burdensome .... not being honest when asked how you are, trying not to be a dead weight to family or friends.
Yes .... a depressing post as someone said. But it is the reality for so many.