GROWN UP STEP CHILDREN

What a sad story. Is the other parent still around and how is their partner treated?
I’m sorry but I have no advice to impart as my situation is thankfully, quite the opposite.
I didn’t meet DH until both step sons were late teens so maybe that helped?
My DS refers to the older 2 DSS and their wives as his brothers and sisters. When we were visiting London and an art exhibition that oldest DSS was exhibiting in, he introduced 8yr old DS to one of his fellow exhibitors as his little brother. I felt so chuffed.
I love the oldest 2 dearly and we now have a 5yr old grandson. Initially, oldest DSS used to refer to me by my name with baby grandson so it was Grandad and Craicon but I’ve not noticed that happening in recent years so I think he’s less inclined to make the step distinction.

You are fortunate, I would love my family to be as "together" as that. My husband is still alive and gets on well with one daughter, but not so much the other one. They have a pretty uncommunicative mother so they see non communication as a lifestyle. As I am fairly cheery, happy person this goes against the grain to their upbringing. Anything "nice" I do is viewed with suspicion. Hence I've stepped back and stopped trying, I did have a romantic notion they may step forward when I stepped back, but not so. This does make for uncomfortable co-existing which I do not like at all but can't see a way forward. Thank you for your concern, I feel better for getting it off my chest and you feeling it was sad Craicon.

Sorry, missed that you had asked if the other parent was around - not my husband - yes she is still alive and very vitriolic and I suspect is rather glad her daughters don't treat me well.

That's hard Norton seems like its been a very one sided effort, I think you have done your best over the years. I think you will still have to compromise a little for birthdays at least, do you need to spend holidays with them ? I think your husband should help sort this out too, you have done your bit.

Thank you. I have tried but he looks the other way when they are rude and hopes I won't notice - but I do and it hurts. I don't need to spend holidays with them but he is pressing me to, but I will have to draw the line there.

I would certainly decline the offer of spending holidays with these rude people !

I have three 30-something step-sons who are , to a man, the rudest people I've ever encountered. How my lovely husband ended up with them I don't know. In the 15 years that I've known them they have totally ignored me - I doubt that any of them would cross the road to put me out if I was on fire. One of them deigned to come to our wedding but only because their dad paid for him to fly.

I'm just glad that we live 1,000km away from them - life is nice and pleasant without them and my AC treat my husband like a good friend which is really great.

I'd suggest that you take care of your own feelings and put some distance between you and them. I can't believe that you've previously cooked for them ! If your DH sides with them over you, that is also something to think about. Good luck !

Have you tried saying 'Please don't be rude to me' when they say something inappropriate and carry on doing whatever you are doing.

I agree with momb . Say that and no more. It will at least bring the incident to the attention of your DH, who might become more aware.

Hmmm I once watched a program by Dr Phil on this topic and basically he told the Husband to man up and say I'm sorry but that's my wife you're disrespecting and I find that unacceptable. It stuck with me because I once repeated it to my Ex when his vile daughter was spouting forth for the umpteenth time about what a gold digga I was while he was living rent free in y house. I told him unless I heard him say it he could rethink his position in life. Tbf he did say it but not in a forceful or meaningful way and tbh the relationship was on the skids from then on. The way your husband is behaving is validating their behaviour towards you and it needs to stop.

Your husband has a rosy idea of the family he wants and is fighting for it.
He is not going to succeed but his efforts are making everyone unhappy.
Children can't be forced to accept step-parents and I think they have the right to see their parent on their own and have their own relationship. There should be attempts made to persuade everyone to get on but if they haven't succeeded it becomes unfair to everyone to keep trying. It is unfair on you to expect you to put up with rudeness and unfair on the children to expect them to spend time with someone they don't like. The difficulty is making him see that. All you can do is try to make it a discussion rather than an argument (I know that is easier said than done) and explain that you are really sorry that you and his children are not able to get along but neither they nor you should have to pretend that you do and that he needs to deal with the situation as it is.
It is all about how you frame it. If you can say that it would be good for his children to go on holiday with him on their own and that you will miss him but you don't want to force yourself on them. Make it about their needs rather than yours and he might find it easier to accept. If he doesn't get it you can only say that you understand why they are rude but it is not the way you want to live and you are going to do other things when they visit.

This is a classic case of your DH trying to keep everyone happy and basically failing, because he is just not dealing with the situation. He needs to man up and let his kids know that they need to show respect to you and that it’s causing him distress by being in the middle. It’s so easy just to be civilised ( except in extreme provocation) so, it must be hard work to be constantly looking for opportunities to be nasty to another person. No one has the right to make you feel so uncomfortable when you have clearly tried so hard, but as they come from a vitriolic mother, you were never going to gel. If they truly loved, respected and cared for their father, they would not put him in this situation. Show him all these responses, then the ball is well and truly in his court. Good luck ?

You say their mother is still alive and vitriolic and maybe that's the problem, she's been bad mouthing you to the children. Just a thought, some people can be really spiteful if they've been hurt.

As far as meeting up for special occasions is concerned, I suggest you are civil and friendly to them and don't stoop to their mother's depths. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with them, though, unless you had a great deal more support from your husband.

I do feel for you. Some years ago, I finished a long term relationship due (partly) to the rudeness of his two sons. It got to the point where I dreaded them coming to stay every other weekend. I knew that this would be a life-long situation which I could no longer endure. I have never regretted it. Suggest he speaks to them, or review your options.

It sounds like you've tried your best for more than 20 years to help make the situation peaceful for your husband and yet it's still not worked and neither has stepping back.

He can carry on pretending its not like it is but then the same pattern just continues.

It may be that whatever you do (or don't do) will be found wanting because they have made a decision not to like you. This is absolutely nothing at all to do with you norton or the way you are but rather a problem within their family and their temperaments.

Perhaps you can continue to let go - leave your husband to continue to work towards maintaining a relationship with them but without you by his side. You've done your bit. You did the best you could.

It's ok to decide not to do much with them anymore. Interestingly families that are not blended families also end up in this situation. It's just the way some people are. Make that ok with you. It's ok for them to be like that just as it's ok for you to let go and no longer concern yourself with all their angst.

Life is too short. Leave them to it and concentrate on where your love is wanted.

I don't understand your husbands attitude. You should be his main concern not his children from a previous marriage. He should be fighting your corner not trying to placate his children. They're adults with lives of their own so let them get on with it. I would have said this a long time ago to my husband. You've done everything you can to try and get along so if they don't like how it is now tough. Stand your ground and laugh off any harsh words or treatment, if they see it doesn't bother you they might stop. Good luck with whatever happens.

Are the SC rude to anyone else that you know of? May be their normal behaviour. Even so, your DH does need to step up and tell them when they are being rude to you. He needs his own time with them even though they are adults. Perhaps they have developed a jealousy, and with their Mother's attitude this could be exacerbated to being rude to you. Tell your DH again, you feel he has to support you in this.

I have two step daughters; one I’ve got on with from the moment we met, and the other - quite the opposite. I have tried my hardest over the years to be kind to her and get on with her, but as soon as I do or say something that she doesn’t agree with, she throws a major tantrum and stops talking to me. She has hardly ever spoken to my own daughter, who was only a young girl when my DH and I got together. I seriously think that my stepdaughter has a personality disorder, as she falls out with everyone she comes across and has no long term friends.
Unfortunately she gets away with it time and time again, because she uses her young children as pawns, and my DH loves them - obviously.
However, it’s now been three years since I last had anything to do with her and life is so much better. My DH visits them a couple of times a year, and she only calls him when she wants something. Luckily, he has seen many times, how she has treated both me and my DD, and accepts that I will no longer have anything to do with her.
My DH and I have a wonderful relationship and I’ll be damned if I will let her jealousy and rudeness, cause us anymore trouble.

My husband died he was my 2nd husband and had a tiny son when we met. (His wife walked out on them both when the boy was 3 days old went off with another man. There was never any suggestion I was involved in the break up.
I was very young the boy was the same age as one of my kids born on the same day. (My first husband was very violent Toward me.] While the two kids got on, the son treated me like dirt. I tried so hard to included him treat him and love his as my own. His mother was in his head when she finally came back into his life.
My lovely husband did try but as the boy got older he became outwardly hostile to me. he stole from me lied about me and even told child line that I had abused him. He did back down when I got the police involved.
When my husband became ill with cancer my step son turned on him too. He moved out to live with his mum when his dad died I faced abuse and violence. My husband’s grave was smashed up 3 times. It has settled down now after he was charged, but he is now a man and is still very vile about me and toward me and I have no idea why. I have washed my hands of him. So, I know how hard it is all I can say if they can’t respect you for the women their dad loves that’s their problem and their choice be polite but distant yourself set clear bounties and be claer to your husband about what you need from him. You can’t force anyone to have a relationship with you it is their loss.

Well it was not for lack of trying on your side.
Sometimes you just have to call it a day and just get on with your life.
I had a similar problem and I honestly went my own way in terms of not trying anymore.
They were surprised and I just got on with my life.
They went their way and I stayed completely out of those relationships.
No issues anymore and no more moaning from them.
Joseph

I'd not make an attempt to see them. I have been in my steps lives for ten years they barely look the road I am on. DH only has a relationship with the eldest.... but I can't stand him, too much water under the bridge

Absent yourself from their company if they can't be nice. Have sod all to do with them, they are adults they do not need you to facilitate a relationship with their father, they can either manage to see each other without you or not manage to see each other. It's up to them.

Go about your merry life, better off without them.

Pink that is a very sad post ?

OldMeg sorry I didnt mean to depress any one or manke it about me. If i had my time again I would have focued on my husband and let my step son fade into the background rather than waste engergy and money on trying to make him love me. I think thats what the OP needs to do.

At the end of the day they are his children and nothing is going to change that. I think you should try to meet him half way for the sake of your relationship. As as been suggested you must insist that he does not tolerate rudeness to you in his presence. I would be happy similey in their company - they would be delighted if they found out they have been the cause of your arguments. Which is what this is all about. Some contact, but just don't let them see they are getting to you.

My DH’s son has allowed his wife to be abusive to me on many occasions including publicly. We have been married for 21 years. Four years ago it got so bad, including calling me a c* on FB, that my husband supported me totally and we are now permanently estranged. We feel a weight lifted and are much happier. Nobody needs toxic people in their lives.