If the younger generation have Mummy Porn.....

Just feeding you the lines my lovely!
You appeared to be on a roll. Whereas I am between meetings and have an unrealistic cooking plan to execute. x

Ugh! That sounds ominous Jess

Time, he leered, for a shower! And there are a few things I'd like to shower you with honey lips!

That very afternoon, Ana busied herself in preparation for her hubby returning from his allotment. She was determined that her man would learn which side his bread is buttered on. She placed tealights round the bath and draped silk scarves over the lampshades to bring an aura of expectation and romance. Just as she heard her lover coming through the front door, she disrobed and carried a basket of fruit and chocolate sauce up to the bathroom, leaving a trail of discarded lingerie for him to follow. She hung a pair of furry handcuffs on the bedrom door for later, and slipped into the perfumed water.

Ana began to pour chocolate sauce over her body, and chose some tempting fruit for her and her lusty man to share, whilst he was licking the melting chocolate from her scented skin.

'In here' she whispered huskily. 'I've been waiting for you.'.........

He took a long, lingering look at her chocolate-covered body and grunted in a voice overcome with emotion........

'Oh, no - you've not got the runs again, have you? I used the last of the Immodium yesterday.'

I am crying with laughter!! You lot are priceless!! Don't ever change

you lot!!!

...and while I'm thinking, I'll order six pairs of extra big girls' Sloggis from Damart...make a nice change from the blush-pink, knee-length, baggy knickers that the moths have been chewing...

'Just coming, my sweet' shouted Mr Beige as he emerged from the garden carrying his plums.....and a basket of runner beans. 'Can you do anything with these?' he queried, as he dropped the plums on the table and turned to greet Chelsea. 'What a morning' he sighed - 'I'm shattered after all that exercise upstairs. Can you do me quickly? I have an allotment meeting to get to, and Mrs Scarlet is going to show me round her raised beds.' Ana bristled at the mention of her rival's name. 'That woman is sapping my hubby's strength' she said to herself. I'll have to think of a way to distract him........................

'Mr Beige, Mr Beige' crooned Ana, her halitosis bringing him back to consciousness,' Chelsea is here!Chelsea is here! When she's finished with me, do you want you usual 'Back, sack and crack'?

when

A loud knock on the door. 'Coo-ee' shouted Chelsea 'I'm here to give you your wax and vajazzle. Who would think a month had gone by already.' Chelsea threw open her kit to reveal the latest sparkling crystals and shaving equipment. 'What do you fancy this time, then? 'Oooh, I really like the idea of those' she said, pointing at the carton of red baubles tucked away in the corner. 'What, my cherry tomatoes? That's my lunch' muttered a confused Chelsea. 'Not to worry' she dismissed her mistake and put on her varifocals..... 'why don't you give me the same again, just put some Grecian 2000 to cover the grey bits up, and wax the in-growing hairs so my haemorrhoid cream can have better effect. Cup of tea?'

Sorry, shouted back Bob, he's busy in the woods with Lady C.

Oh Bob on your way through the garden please ask Mellor to pop inside!

'Boys' she whispered throatily (eh?)....'I want you to take a look at me in this get-up. My bras, knickers, corsets and underskirts have just come out of the wash with hubby's elastic waist joggers - do they match? There seems to be several shades of grey here!'

'Wow' stuttered Bob, as his cup of tea rattled in the saucer 'there must be fifty different shades there.' He began to realise that he was caught up in something that he hadn't bargained for........... 'Ere! what are you writing about?' He scuttled back down his ladder and hot-footed it across the gardens, as she leant out of the window shouting 'come back! No-one will ever know - no-one reads that rubbish!'

Bob whispers ...this makes a change usually we dont even get a cup of tea!

Forget the windows, whispered Ana as she leaned from the window, her cleavage spilling out from her winceyette dressing gown onto the top of his ladders. Bob and Jim almost dropped their leathers as they clambered into the bedroom......

maybe the "warming " lube is a bit on the strong side.... when things are as hot as this!

Or have you been chopping chilli.

She grasped the Gransnet samples from the bedside table and set to with a will...
"Ahhhh....."
"Look I didn't know you had left the Deep Heat there, OK?"

But with, or without, the Gransnet lube samples, that was the question...

Yes Oh Yes it was Bob and his assistant , but could she cope with three?

But above the sound of the chainsaw she heard a familiar note - the scraping of the window cleaners ladders... Could it be...

Realising that there was now a manly mass of pulsating desire collapsed behind the door she cast around for a way of getting to him before yet another moment passed. Pulling up her support stockings and grabbing her Anne Summers chainsaw (in a fetching shade of engorged pink) she started attacking the thin woodwork that was now keeping her from the object of her desires.

..........a tentative knock on her door. 'have you got the teasmaid on, my darling?' he whispered. He heard a flurry of activity before she replied 'yes, just give me a moment.' 'What are you wearing' came a panting voice from the other side of the door. 'Just my elastic bandages' she purred, provocatively. She heard the sound of her lover as he fell against the door. 'be patient, my darling' she urged 'I just need to get my bottom set in.' All she could hear was his frantic gasps. 'Bloody hell, just give me my angina tablets, will you? I think I'd better get back in bed. Can you put the bins out, love?'...............

As she massaged the voltaren gel into the small of his back she heard him moan and gasp. 'Does that feel good?' she whispered and she felt him writhe beneath her as he began to turn over. She gasped in anticipation of the pleasure to come but then he froze and screamed, 'Oh god, oh god I can't bloody move I've got cramp again' The moment was lost...... again