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If the younger generation have Mummy Porn.....

(401 Posts)
Notsogrand Tue 26-Jun-12 20:39:47

....am I being unreasonable to suggest we have our own, more mature version?
With the Fifty Shades Trilogy breaking all sales records, spawning appreciation societies and leading to a dramatic increase in sales of handcuffs, 'Mummy Porn' is the new buzzy media expression.
I gave up after reading a quarter of the first book and started to think about the literary talents on Gransnet. We could do better!
So instead of young hero Christian Grey (rich, sado-masochist, likes to control and hurt women) and young heroine Anastasia Steele (muppet who lets him) let's call our mature leading characters, Chris Beige and Ana Zinc.
What erotic vignettes can we come up with for our new characters? How about....

As dusk approached, Mr Beige banged the safety bar on his stairlift in a masterful manner and called out 'Ana! Press the button NOW!' Ana stood on the landing gazing down upon her master as he rose towards her (geddit?) As he came closer and closer, she felt the release of her inner goddess. With one hand resting seductively on the handle of her glittered walking stick, she unrolled the garters from the top of her lisle stockings and prepared herself to be overwhelmed.

Over to you ladies & gents......

nelliedeane Thu 12-Jul-12 16:20:27

Flip Flop Flo is hoping to interview Mr Beige's mother Onya Backyerbitch who worked many of the airport clientele visiting and leaving Russia.
Mr Beige's father was on a package holiday from Spain that had been delayed due to strike action by air traffic control and were forced to land in Moscow where he complete with straw donkey under one arm and a sombrero in the other and a rather fetching criss cross pattern on his chest from falling asleep in the sun with his string vest on whipped his knotted hanky from his head to wipe the beads of perspiration from his brow from the flush of lust the ravishing Onya caused in him..their mating was fast and furious and completed only after hearing his flight being called from behind the newspaper kiosk where they hurriedly exchanged their details and went in their different directions this being the moment Mr Beige was conceived.
Flo was all agog she wanted details the more lurid the better......

soop Thu 12-Jul-12 12:27:27

Go for it, Nellie...grin

nelliedeane Thu 12-Jul-12 09:00:06

Think we could benefit from a jump start here,should we introduce a new character Flip flop Flo from Lils pub Mooning on the Square is writing a novel,perhaps she would provide us with some inspiration picked up from her Granny Gap year,I have heard she has pretty exotic tastes,maybe she will enlighten us.....

gramps Wed 11-Jul-12 18:55:43

Lost for words -I'll jump in when the opportunity occurs! hmm

soop Mon 09-Jul-12 11:58:49

'Innocence, my bloomers!' Spat Mr Beige's mother through a set of dentures that rattled alarmingly. 'You used to be such a good boy...look at you now! You're a disgrace! Your greyer than grey Y-fronts tossed with reckless abandon in the corner together with the double-knit, sludge-brown, knee-high socks, that I spent 12 months knitting for special occasions, are testament to your downfall. And how many times have I told you to beware of little hussies who wear fancy pants? I blush to think of the girl who would parade around in outsize-extra-plus Sloggis. Has she no shame?'

nelliedeane Mon 09-Jul-12 08:57:43

Oh mummy cried Mr Beige please will you put my nappy on now and can I have the the lilac spotty rubber pants and my purple dummy to match,and will you spank me for being such a naughty boy and can I play on your mobility scooter before I go to bed,that,that nasty Ana took advantage of me and robbed me of my innocence.....

soop Sun 08-Jul-12 20:44:56

grin think I may be just a wee bit squiffy [after that match!]

soop Sun 08-Jul-12 20:35:18

Anyways...Mrs Backyervitch toddled to the window, coughed, looked down, coughed again and raised a shaggy eyebrow. 'Vot are you doin on ze grass, darlink?' she said throatily. 'Vu vill get another chill in you nethers. Vu silly votsit.' Ana kept a low profile. Her ample buttocks appeared to be well rounded boulders, happily seated between the conifers. Mrs Backyervitch was not amused by her son's antics. 'Put on your Vye-fronts vis minute, naughty boy. Early bed for vu tonight. ..and no stories...

jeni Sun 08-Jul-12 18:58:10

Ex sailor. Had to do knots, whipping and splicing as part of the RYA qualifications.

nelliedeane Sun 08-Jul-12 18:08:36

Are you telling me politely to get knotted ..*jeni*. grin

gramps Sun 08-Jul-12 18:06:32

Coooo Jeni, You aint arf clever!! I'd take my hat off to you -but the wind blew it away!

jeni Sun 08-Jul-12 18:01:54

Nothing like a nice eight strand back splice!

nelliedeane Sun 08-Jul-12 17:55:17

matron has enough trouble tying her shoe laces,but have no objection to be shown the ropes grin

jeni Sun 08-Jul-12 17:53:48

Ah! Whipping, and don't forget splicing!

gramps Sun 08-Jul-12 17:47:49

Ana I bet Matron is a whizz kid at those "special" knots!!

Anagram Sun 08-Jul-12 17:45:47

Nearly forgot the common whipping, too!

gramps Sun 08-Jul-12 17:44:59

Don't forget your sheetbend, essential in a storyline on here!

Anagram Sun 08-Jul-12 17:44:49

I've always liked the sound of the constrictor knot, the handcuff knot and the munter friction hitch. Or if in a good mood, the snuggle hitch!

nanaej Sun 08-Jul-12 17:41:35

or a round turn and two half hitches!!!

jeni Sun 08-Jul-12 17:37:04

I was. I can tie anyone in knots!
My favourites are the sheep shank and bowlines.

Anagram Sun 08-Jul-12 17:30:40

No I wasn't, so I can only do granny knots - which is rather appropriate, given the name and nature of this thread....wink

gramps Sun 08-Jul-12 17:24:38

What are you like with knots Ana, were you a Girl Guide?

Anagram Sun 08-Jul-12 17:12:49

'Tie up'?
We haven't even got to that stage yet....have we? confused

gramps Sun 08-Jul-12 17:08:35

I hope my story lines tie up with other folks to make continuity of these thrilling plots we contrive? My imagination runs away with me at times!!

If I upset folks at any time, it is not" with intent"- (much too cosy, the tent!) . I'll go seek out other GD's in the shed!

nelliedeane Sun 08-Jul-12 15:39:43

No not really gramps a bit before my era....although see poor Eric has recently passed away just like fun and words smile