EVEN MORE VERSATILE VERSE !

He can polish my what-nots any time
And my thingummy-bobs are covered in grime

A brush and a dustpan would do the job

I’d ask him nicely to come again next week
I'd like him to come regularly, so to speak,

He can polish my what-nots any time

Just so long as the place is left spotless,
My gratitude to him would be countless,

I’d ask him nicely to come again next week

Then when he’d finished I’d buy him some treats
Beer, wine, chocolate and any other sweets

Just so long as the place is left spotless

But could you rent him out, just to clean my house?
I'd keep out of his way and be as quiet as a mouse.

Then when he'd finished I'd buy him some treats

All our outdoor shoes sit in a shiny row,
What a treasure, don't ever let him go!

But could you rent him out, just to clean my house?

Good job I’ve got a husband to do the cleaning,
He gives “spit and polish” a whole new meaning.

All our outdoor shoes sit in a shiny row,

It all helps with reducing stress
Though it often creates a terrible mess

Good thing I’ve got a husband to do the cleaning

I puzzle and knit and do gardening and sew
I hate to be interrupted before the end of a row

It all helps with reducing stress

Things I enjoy are my iPad and phone
I have plenty of spare time now my children are grown

I puzzle and knit and do gardening and sew

Perhaps it's as well things are different today
Not always for the better I’m sorry to say

Things I enjoy are my iPad and phone

With talk of using telephone boxes
and things illegal now like hunting foxes

Perhaps it's as well things are different today

Many a time were those stories related
Some of them seem really quit dated

With talk of using telephone boxes

Back indoors they crept upstairs
(A cockney would say “up the apples and pears”)

Many a time were those stories related

A lot was drunk and they went home happy
Some were singing while others clappy

Back indoors they crept upstairs

This led to everyone having a story to tell
A few sang songs which went down well

A lot was drunk and they went home happy

And the time he was shipwrecked alone
he kept it amusing, he didn't moan.

This led to everyone having a story to tell

The captain then told a few tales
About olden times when he worked with sails

And the time he was shipwrecked alone

He did magic tricks with a napkin
And one that involved someone’s hat pin

The captain then told a few tales

When he’d had some wine though he found it quite funny
His serious nature turned to sunny

He did magic tricks with a napkin

Quite embarrassing for a man of the cloth
It definitely put him off eating his broth

When he'd had some wine though he found it quite funny

He was very uncomfortable and turned bright pink
And left the room rather than raise a stink

Quite embarrassing for a man of the cloth

When the belly dancer leapt up and started to wobble
You could see the chaplain had to find an excuse to cobble

He was very uncomfortable and turned bright pink

We put our hands together and said our “Grace”
You should have seen the look on the Chaplin's face

When the belly dancer leapt up and started to wobble

Sat at the top table for dinner with the Captain
Alongside me were a belly dancer and a Chaplain

We put our hands together and said our “Grace”