Empty Nest Syndrome

You are of course quite right, annodomini. I tried to plan in advance, I knew how much I would miss him becuse we do get on so well and I remembered how much I missed his sister - still do really and she left 7 years ago.

I have joined another couple of choirs, joined a book club, been finally persuaded to join the WI, and really thought yesterday as we dropped him off that I was doing really well - but then went and spolit it all when I realised we wouldn't be having brekfast together this morning and had a little weep! DBH is not the most social person in the morning and it suddenly dawned on me that I shall never again have someone to discuss the news with, not until at least 11am, and then at the weekend only. I can't think of many people who would want to join me at 7.30am with their poached egg on toast to discuss syrian or ukranian politics.

Of course I shall get used to it, it's just going to be tough over the next few years as he leaves and returns, leaves and returns until finally leaving for ever.

I suppose it's a bit like when your best closest friend moves away. You know that you can stay with each other, but things will never be quite the same again. In the meantime, it's lovely to have somewhere like this where you can get it out of your system and know that some people understand. Others don't, because they had difficult teens and couldn't wait for them to leave, I have quite a few friends like that.

Anyone who's suffering from ENS, I refer you to my post of almost a year ago (Tue 26-Feb-13 19:08:43). I still hold to what I said then. This is the time for you to be you, maybe discover new things or rediscover things that gave you satisfaction before you got totally bound up in being a mum.

roses; the older I get the sadder I feel about how awful I was to my mum and dad. Can still remember my dad crying the day I left home [men didn't cry in those days].

Oh Rose your post made me cry. I spent a few years on my own with my children, after divorce, and we were a very close little team. By the time my DD left home I was with my DP and he laughed at me because I kept her room just the same in case she came back. ! My DSS has just gone to work in Australia and we hear from him more often than we ever did when he was in Manchester

Just noticed this thread. It's natural to feel at least a bit of ENS when the last one leaves home isn't it?However, we were always so busy that the thought of some peace and quiet seemed great!Of course, you can have too much of that as well.We have one daughter and family live in the same village as us, another daughter close by, and son and family close by as well, so we see them all a lot, which is probably the best of all worlds.Not sure I could live in same house now as them, they are adults and it's all changed as they are in their 30's now.I don't live on my own, but appreciate how quiet that would make it, I would have to join more clubs etc I think if that happened.I would have been more tactful and understanding of my own Mother if I could go back in time, she died in my 20's and I had left home without a care in the world when I was 17.I never even thought that she may miss me!If I thought anything at all that is.Still, if we produce children eager to go on out into the world, then we have done our job well.

I'm sure his peers will rally round, hope so.

Yes some of DH's went to Canada, New Zealand, mine went to America and came back again, as well as different parts of GB, and some came from France or Belgium. Perhaps why my DC have the wanderlust.

Yes, I know they did travel, many of them. I remember wondering if it was to escape the inlaws.

I hope he does, too. He has shopping, painkillers and knee supports, doesn't have to walk too far to lectures and as long as he doesn't go out when it's really icy I hope he will be ok. Luckily he doesn't go out drinking. He goes out, but to be sociable. He will just have to be a recluse for a few weeks.

Or did they? Was surprised to find out how extensively they travelled when researching FH.
Hope he recovers quickly

I suppose the ideal would be to live the way our ancestors used to, all in the same village, although it didn't suit some. DS now deposited safely back at his flat, so am feeling low, but not as low as last time. He forgot to pack his printer up, so it's a good excuse to go back in a couple of weeks and see him for an afternoon when he's free. He's still limping and strapped up from his ski-ing injury, as a mother that is very hard, to see your baby hobbling off when he still isn't properly healed. My first instinct is to write him a sick note.

Only just caught up with this forum so it may have been said before
They are like boomerangs and now they have their own places it is good to have the house to ourselves - am I a bad mother? However they are TOO far away, apart from DS. Would like to see both DDS more often though.

Anyway, it's not empty, it's still full of DD2's stuff

Yes, UK based, in NW Suffolk.

If you are on your own, it is all 'me' time and no 'us' time, and it's the things you miss like the sound of the tv being on, someone in the kitchen preparing food and raiding the fridge. There is a lot of silence when you are on your own and the most important person in your life leaves. Sticking the radio and tv on during the day helps, I used to wonder why older people did it so much, now I know.

A friend of mine has a large house, so when her daughter became pregnant and she and her boyfriend hadn't enough money to rent a larger flat it seemed sensible for them to move in with her, she had missed her daughter so much. Of course, it didn't all run smoothly and 15 months later she was quite relieved when they moved out - but then found she missed them more than they had irked her. Then a year later, the by then SiL was made redundant, so back they came - and discovered that another baby was due, and she loves it. I think it will break her heart if they all move out again, but she says that so far, they all seem very happy with the arrangement this time. I think she is very lucky, but probably an exception!

In the meantime, must get outside and check that my son is packing his computer up rather than using it.

I cried my eyes out when we left my first DS at university but once we got home I liked not picking up dirty washing and towels off the floor and not searching out dirty crockery from the depths of his bedroom. When the last DS left it was a time for me and UH to enjoy life more without the ties. As we got together when the boys were early teens we both appreciated that us time.

Thank you for your nice reply Janerowena! It is much appreciated. My lad is due to probably move out in about three months but it is probably best to get prepared.

Will keep in touch, once again thanks for taking the time today. Are you UK based?

roseofmyheart I was on my own for a while too, so I know what you mean about you and him against the world, as my daughter had just left to go to live with her boyfriend and I was missing her desperately too. I have just had DS back at home for two months, rather than the two weeks I expected, because he tore ligaments ski-ing and is only going back to uni tomorrow, for three months. So I shall miss him all over again.

I have to say, I don't feel quite as bad this time. I now know that life is a litlle easier when he isn't here and that I no longer have to stock the fridge with so much food, for a start, and that the washing load will decrease considerably, that the toothpaste top will stay on and I shall be able to see his bedroom floor. Only small consolations admittedly, but when he returned it was a shock to find how hard I found it to get used to cooking such big meals again. And how I put on weight once he was back.

But I shall miss his smile and his company and no amount of emails, phone calls or facebook messages will ever make up for that. I was reading in bed this morning and he came to talk to me and I found myself just looking at him, to store the memory. I suspect you will be weepy at times, but as someone posted elsewhere, you are the bow, facilitating their flight. They are the arrow, just passing briefly through your life. And you know, it is only brief. We live for four times as long as we have them, on average.

Thank you grannyactivist !!!!! Never expected a reply so soon - and especially at this time of the morning! What a surprise - can't believe you were logged on as well!!! As there has not been much 'activity' on here since approximately last September, I did not expect any comments for a while.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I will take them on board. I have plenty to do - if I did it! It's getting the motivation. I have never been a domestic goddess - and I still have clothes AND toys belonging to my son to sort! Unfortunately I am an extreme hoarder - especially of old paperwork - and find it hard to get rid of or let anything go. Perhaps this will be the opportunity for me to finally change my ways!!!!!

Think the problem stems from growing up in Ireland very poor and where everything had a use and not a scrap of food was ever wasted. I'm glad to say my son will take the food issue with him, whether his lady friend likes it or not! Because when I was bringing him up he learnt from an early age that - like my dear old mother gone before me - food was never wasted in our home.

If you have any ideas on motivation - it would be appreciated

God Bless you. No doubt I'll be logging on again real soon - think you're right - I might become addicted!!!!

Hope you like my message about my son's lovely departed nannie, who's anniversary it is today.

Today, sadly is the 8th anniversary of the sudden death my son's adopted nannie Pauline. She was one of my best friends - and introduced me to his Dad - all those 26 years go!! As my own mother had sadly passed away back in 1983, he did not have a real grandmother. When Pauline held him in her arms in the hospital for the first time, when he was just three days old, she said:- "Every little boy needs a nannie and I'll be his"

From that day forward a bond was formed between the two of them, and he loved her with all of his heart. She was always there for him, every step of the way, through all his developments - regular sleepovers every weekend, holidays, school plays, birthday parties, and Christmas with her and the family was so sad from the time we lost her. She was so proud of him - and sadly was not here when he passed his driving test, first time! How he would have been so proud to have been able to drive her around - just as she had done for him all those years.

And although I am feeling ENS right now, if she were here, she would have been so proud and excited for him buying his first home and bagged himself a bonny lass as well! So maybe, having had a sad old day today, I was 'destined' to register with Gransnet on this her anniversary. Perhaps its her way of helping me cope from wherever she is!

If so, thank you Pauline!!!!! Love you forever from roseofmyheart and your loving grandson!!!!

Sounds like you did a grand job preparing your son for moving on rose and he won't be too far away. Perhaps it might help if you look on this transitional time as an opportunity to review strategies you can use to minimise the ENS. Maybe take up a new hobby, join a book club or take an evening class. If you can find something enjoyable to occupy your time and your mind it will help. I should warn you that posting on here will possibly steal your life from you as you become addicted to Gransnet. Problem solved!

So glad I found this site! I brought up my son on my own. Him and his other half have been talking about buying a property for about a year or so but you know I kind of 'buried my head in the sand' and thought it would go away! But now it is really happening, I could not understand how I was feeling so tearful and depressed. I had heard of, but never really read about ENS until I clicked on to this site this morning. It has been a wonderful help today, and then scrolling down and finding Gransnet.com was the 'icing on the cake'!!!! So many people - all in the same boat! All the feelings I am having are related to ENS - especially the ones related to single parents - which are different to married couples or partners. As my cousin said to me recently it was always him and me against the world! - so true! I have a long way to go and I know when he starts clearing and emptying his bedroom, that is when it will really hit me. He's not going very far away but it is still the end of an era. He has always been a free spirt - like me - and although I have been protective of him, I brought him up to be independent - go on school trips, holidays abroad with family and friends. He has great job, earns good money and has saved long and hard to get on the property ladder. As a dear friend said when I was a bit down last weekend, "your job is done - and you've done a good one"!!! He truly is the roseofmyheart!!!! Any feedback would be welcomed at this moment in time!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks RAF, I need people to keep telling me that. DBH's family is all RAF, as was he for a while before I met him. Or is it your initials?

Yes, my daughter is now 28 and I tell her that to me, she will always be my baby, no matter what age she is and how many children of her own she has. I still miss her terribly and I know she misses me. So although facebook is a wotsit we are both grateful for it. But my son is so excited one day, and a bit anxious the next, I don't remember her ever being like that. She was far more outgoing than him so he wrenches at my heart more.

I did warn him that some teens can't cope, and do drop out for various reasons. In fact, DD did after almost two years because of boyfriend troubles (something else you forget to factor in) and only restarted her law degree two years ago. So she is going to be quite mature by the time she has finished.

Thank god for these threads though. I only joined here and mumsnet because I felt so distraught and empty-nestish. Most of my friends either have awkward teens or too many of them, so are pleased to have a break from them and can't understand how I feel at all!

I expect that was just people trying to slip some sneaky adverts in. Probably nothing to do with the actual subject. It happens.

It was February the first post, I do hope she is feeling better now. Goodness knows what happened at the beginning of this thread, Gransnet very busy with the deletions, not what she needed.

I wonder how the original poster, dogs4me, is getting on now.

That's kind, bit new to Gransnet!

That's a lovely post RAF.

It truly will get better Janerowena. You need to plan little things each day you enjoy, and after a month you will realise that you are coping. When they come back at Christmas, and leave in New Year, you will feel it again, but it won't last as long. It gets easier each time. Any thank goodness for mobile phones! Don't bombard them with texts, but it is an amazing reassurance.

From the minute they are born you want to wrap them up in cotton wool and keep them safe, but there are just no guarantees. If they are happy, healthy late teens who need to move on, you have to congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Youngest told us he thought when he was 18 he didn't need his parents any more. At 19, after a nervous breakdown and dropping out of uni, he confessed he did!

It seems to me to be one of nature's design faults that children can move on without a backward glance (and so indeed we would want them to really) but for the parents, the worry never stops, not until the day you die. The difference from when they are children is that when things go wrong, there is nothing you can do to put it right, you just have to listen and not judge.

Enough philosophy for one night!