Empty Nest Syndrome

MaryXYZ welcome! Very, very welcome.

And dogs4me - good to know you have found some Long may it continue for you.

dogs4me I am so glad you seem a bit happier now, it gives me hope for when my time comes. And Mary - I have a couple of friends who have realised they were gay, their children no longer speak to them either, along with various other family members. Hopefully the next generations will be a lot more understanding and realise that people are just people, but I am disgusted with your last church. It says a lot more about the congregation than it does about you.

In the interval before my son leaves, I suppose I should start to cultivate some new hobbies, and try to remember what the old ones were! I have had a child in the house now for almost 30 years, it's quite hard to remember what I used to like doing, apart from reading. I sing in a choir, I suppose I could join another one as well. Maybe painting. I know I shall get hauled into doing more charity work, I have several very determined friends. Work is like hen's teeth around here, so that is not an option, especially at my age. Swimming - I used to swim. Today seems like a positive day but I suspect I shall have quite a few down days as the day for his departure draws nearer.

Did some retail therapy dogs4me that involved quite a bit of walking between shops [does that count ? ]I love photos. Our cinema is going to have an exhibition of old photo albums soon which I'm looking forward to. I've ranted on about this before on gransnet but I worry about the social history that will be lost when people store everything on computers and send emails instead of letters. Don't know if you watched Countryfile tonight but it was all about Northumberland and the coast around Lindisfarne where I spend a lot of time. Lots of photos of my dog oop there but don't know how to download them onto the pets thread [technophobe!]. I'd love to learn more about digital photography [even though I still use my old camera as well]. Something to do when I retire, I hope.

Helped out at a village craft show today which came about from a sub group from the WI, 'stitches'. Very very enjoyable . I feel I am branching out in such a short time and some of this is thanks to you for the support and just being there to listen to my woes and help with your responses. And...I got a 1st Prize for a photograph of the sky, sea, sands and reflections of the clouds and my doglooking at the sea. 1st and 3rd Prizes for 2 jumpers (for my GS now 1year). I was over the moon and felt that I was valuable again and not useless! Also took on the tombola. I poored out my heart to the knitters last week and they encouraged me to go today and enter my wears and am so glad I did. Have also found a photograhic club inthat runs weekly from May to Sept , in a local church hall close to me. Amazing and hoping to join Thursday or at leaste have a taster. They do other events in the closed period like quizes and bike rides so it may be another opening if I get my bike overhalled and a helmet! Hope my good feelings continue. Still find some periods very lonely and it comes over me so quickly that it is sometimes scarey how the feelings and especially the thoughts change so dramatically
Tegan; have not kept up the walking today but aiming to get out there tomorrow again.Hope you knee improves so you can as well x

Sorry to hear about your children maryxyz - I hope they will come round in time. There are a lot of other GN members who are being kept out of their kids lives for one reason or another.

MaryXYZ how nice that you've found a church of good people, it is reassuring. There's no reason, in my opinion, for you to be anything other than ordinary.

Welcome here too

MaryXYX - It's good to read you now find yourself in a better place to be (church and gender) than previously, and I hope your children will, in time, embrace this with you.

It took me a little while but I found a really welcoming church. I spent about five months going as male before I had the courage to go as female. Almost the first thing that happened was I was asked if I wanted to be one of the women who do food for special occasions. That's how ordinary it seemed to them!

I was added to the rota as a Bible reader, a steward and a tea lady after transition. They all know my "history" but most members just seem to see me as an active and enthusiastic member of the church.

It's a pity most of my children take the line of the previous church and don't speak to me.

dogs4me; glad to hear you've had a good day! Alas, my knee is very sore again at the moment so I may not get the walk in tomorrow but I'll have a go. [what sort of dog do you have, by the way? forgive me if you've already mentioned it elsewhere]MaryXYX. Feel just a tad angry with your church treating you like that. Good for you for rising above it!

JessM: Thank you! I think "shed my Aspergers" is a bit strong, but I'm sure I went from definitely Aspie to borderline Aspie. It does make a bit of a mess of the "Extreme Male Brain" theory of Aspergers though.

dogs4me: I was a member of what I thought was a very good but strict church for 30 odd years. They turned out to be much stronger on the strictness than the goodness and politely gave me time to walk out before they laid hands on me and threw me out. That was right at the beginning of "questioning my identity" and long before I made any decision.

I do symathise but I personally am looking forward to this time in my life.

The way I look at it is I have done my absolute best, not always getting it right and actually getting it wrong more times that I care to mention, but as said I did my best with my children and when they leave it will be a time for me to look forward to doing things that I always put in the un important pile because there was always someone else in the family that warented the time.

So I am really looking forward to that time in my life.

Wishing you the very best Dogs4me. You aren't alone and hopefully will take little steps and feel happier eventually.

I've noticed when I feel down, just a quick chat with someone can really lift my spirits, I just need people, it makes me feel so much better, and I'm sure it's the same for you. Its great that you have a dog to walk, babies and dogs, people often stop and speak then.

Re the photography class, maybe your local library would have some information. Best wishes x

After the storm comes the calm or so it seemed this morning. After a terrible evening and wrestless night I came on here and read your message Tegan and felt a lot "lighter" In fact I mended my Dyson that had been looking at me for days. What a relief that was as was worried I would have to buy a new one especially with all the dog hairs! I hoovered, finished a small jumper I am entering in a craft show tomorrow and then took my dog for a long walk. I met a few dog walkers and had a good natter with one especially, which made me feel human again! I have been in the garden as well, just pottered a bit and planning in my head whatI need to do out there. My new neighbors who havnt moved in yet popped their heads over the fence(which is quite tall) and had a chat as well. Have been busier, creative and spoken to some people today so dont feel so lost at the moment. My little GD sent me a tex With love and hearts ( from her dads phone with his help) I thought when I opened it, they must now how I feel and how I needed that love. I did have a good old howl before I went for my walk ( the tears have just come back when I wrote about the text....just very emotional). The tears earlier came because I was getting sorry for myself as having really thought about what I would like to learn I couldnt find it anywhere online. I would like to enroll for a beginners digital photography class.

Tegan
Yes would love to make that pact to walk daily again and would like to support each other too as it really made a difference this morning Thanks

Oh dogs4me; you've had far too much thrown at you over a short space of time. I agree with Jess; you need counselling of some kind. A trip to the Dr's is needed methinks. We are starting to get some blue sky here at last so I hope you've got some where you are; I'm a bit like you in that I don't seem to go out much these days [fresh air wise, that is]. Shall we make a pact with each other..you do a short walk each day and I'll do the same and we'll support each other/swap notes.

dogs4me if you are feeling like that maybe you need to give in to it. Curl up with a hot water bottle (or the electric blanket on) and sleep.
Have you ever had any counselling since your sister died?
Tomorrow, can you go our for a walk in the fresh air? That is the best self help for the glooms. Particularly if the sun should be peeping out.

Have had my little GS all day and what a joy he is. Visited my dear mum in nursing home tonight and she picked up on my mood, sadness, lostness and even lonliness and I have been trying so hard not to show it. I think I am suffering from SAD and in the sandwich trap as well , the GC's and the parent who is now needing full time care . I really am struggleing with my feelings of almost depression tonight and although have lots to do just want to go to bed and sleep. I know its not a good sign and I am sitting here so tearful...it cant all be ENS, Its a mixture of losses and bereavements. I lost my sister only 2 years ago and its all very raw still infact I am feeling the loss and the grief worse than it was.
Mary XYX; I should join my local church I am sure I would be welcomed and its so close to where I live. I went when my youngest went off to UNi when I was at a low. He didnt stay away for long , gave up and came home.

Well I've had the carpets cleaned. It's a start . The main problem is that they were both very artistic and so I have pictures that they've painted and models they have made all over the place. For some reason I have very few photos of them on display; graduation photos and suchlike. So I suppose it's more a shrine to their creativity of which I'm incredibly proud. And the toys are being played with by the grandchildren, so they serve a purpose. More of a living museum these days, perhaps?

janerowena welcome
Sending your son brochures about the forces. When they are busy making staff cuts. I would be furious if I were you. One of the very few times I lost my temper with my mother what when she was pressuring DS1 to go to university and ordering prospectuses. In the end he went and only lasted a term. Not the role of relatives to play careers guidance. [i still feel a bit angry with my mum emoticon and she has been dead nearly 20 years]
MaryXYZ also welcome and congratulations. Do you mean that you shed your Aspergers when you left behind your male gender?
I think it is hard for those who have focussed on their kids a lot during their middle years. People with an absorbing job may fare a bit better - it is a major distraction after all.
yes boys are lovely but hopeless at keeping in touch (mine are in NZ and Australia)
So my wrench came not when they left home but when the second one emigrated taking the GKds. It does get better with time.
tegan is your house still a shrine to their childhood or have you had a purge?

You might not like the details! I am now enthusiastically active in my church, as Reader, Steward, Singer, Tea lady etc. Also in a number of social groups, including the local Asperger Social group - I always like that oxymoron.

The real kicker and the reason my experience is not likely to be helpful to anyone else here is that before transition I was a severely Asperger man.

It does lead to an interesting life. The church I am now in is quite comfortable with me standing up with the choir in my Sunday best frock and singing bass.

Mary XYX - Well done. I really admire you. I would be really interested to know how you made such a transformation as I would love to be more confident and less shy.

It does seem to affect my friends in a huge variety of different ways. My son is a bit aspi, always very logical, and I suppose I do worry for him even more because even when people like him and want to be friends he doesn't recognise the overtures. It's also what makes him such good company, as we get none of the teenage strops. You have done very well, Mary and I hope he is like you. We just get flashes of social butterfly. I know every mother has fears for their children when they leave home - or most of them - but I have quite a few friends who are really quite pleased when they go so have no sympathy for me at all! One of my sisters even moved house so that her two would have to stay put to keep their jobs!

I was too busy to have ENS when my sons left but when I was made redundant I felt very 'bereft', though I still had other interests that kept me occupied.

I must say I have contact with my 2 daughters most days. Communication is now cheap.
I even had a few phone calls when they were on their honeymoon.
My son's in law are the same with their parents.

Frank

Well done, maryxyx

I didn't have ens when the children left, but when my husband died!