Empty Nest Syndrome

That is very true, but I miss being able to give my daughter a hug. She often needs one at the moment, so I worry, which makes me need one. It does really make me appreciate the few times a year when we are all back together.

My only daughter emigrated to New Zealand when she was 17; she is now 32. I emigrated to New Zealand in May last year. I don't believe that any mother had a closer relationship with her daughter than I had with mine during those intervening years or has a closer relationship now we are just 15 minutes' drive from each other. Distance only interferes with the practical things not the emotional ones.

Oh dear <eek>

I felt like that with MiL. We lived fairly close by, so we weren't treated anything like DBH's family when they visited from afar. We would all be asked to stay for xmas, but they would get the best spare room, the best bedding, and generally be treated like royalty while we were expected to help wait on them hand and foot! MiL seemed to think we would be in as much ecstasy to see them as she was.

Closeness does not have to be geographical, but some other things sadly do as sarah12345 knows.

for you tegan.

I spent Christmas with just the S.O. because my daughter lives just up the road and chose to spend Christmas with family members that they don't see very often. So, at the time of year when most people are with their family I was a complete billynomates. I often feel as if I'm just a nuisance if I phone her [and I'm not one to just 'drop in when passing']. If we lived further away I'm sure they would visit us or invite us to visit them .

Very sad about the dying mother, of course. You don't have to live on the other side of the world for that to happen. It can happen the other way too. My sister lives in Canada, I lived 300+ miles from my father, we were both at his hospital bedside for 3days and nights before his death and holding him when he died.

My German grand parents were lucky to see us once every 2 years when I was a child. My Scottish grandparents lived in the same town, I experienced no close relationship with them.
Isolated examples do not prove anything. Just read the "Cut out of their lives" thread to feel the pain of mothers and grandmothers whose DC/DGC may live quite near but might as well be on the moon for all the contact they are allowed.
My point as I said was that closeness need not be geographical. Children need to spread their wings and going to university is one way of fledglings testing flying the nest before they fly away for good.

I have a friend with family in China, Skype is her salvation. Yes, the travel costs are a problem no matter where you live. We have times when we have to think twice because of petrol costs, as does DD to come up to us. Her OH wanted us to come down to her surprise 30th party last weekend, and we did, but it meant that she won't get her birthday money until next week because being January and us being somewhat broke, and having to pay out for patrol and somewhere to stay, we couldn't afford to give her the money we know she needs to put towards a new laptop.

But yes, we are very close, I feel very lucky when I read some of the stories on here about estranged families. I guard my tongue around the DCs more as a result. And remember how I didn't want to see MiL for about two years because she criticised my housekeeping.

True.

But here are two examples of what I am talking about. Neither directly to do with my family.

Example 1. A son could not get back in time from a long long way away when his mother was dying. He was several hours too late. He could have got back for that if he wasnt so many hours abroad.

Example 2. Many families cannot see their grandchildren anything like as often as if they were in say Spain instead of China.

Is it just me then who does not necessarily feel distance has anything to do with it? You can feel as close to someone -and no, I am not talking about Skype - who is on the other side of the world as you can miss someone not much more than down the road, but does not have time for you.

Closeness, family bonds, empathy are not dependent on geographical location. Granted I would love the DGC to be in the next village or even next street so that our lives were more intertwined and I could be of more practical help, but As long as we are a loving family, that close knittedness can transcend the miles.

I am begining to realise there is a difference between being abroad... and being abroad.
There is the abroad that is quite easy to get to, and may not break the bank in airfares... and the abroad that is the other side of the worldish, takes multiple hours to get to and fro and therefore also eats up precious holiday time for them, and is super expensive.

That's how it works for DD still, and she's just had her 30th! I still tell her she can come back if necessary - but keep my fingers crossed behind my back...

You set them off but remain a sounding board and a safety net, that's how I see it, as well as a place for them to come back to......hopefully not for too long?

A few years ago my son had split up from his[then] girlfriend and he stayed with us for a few days when we were on holiday. I met him at the station and he looked so alone and vulnerable . He was a grown man but he was still my little boy .

That's very true. We dropped DS off in Cambridge today, took all his computer and clothes and food in, then out for a late lunch during which I completely forgot he wouldn't be coming back with us. Then we left the restaurant and instead of walking across Parker's Piece, he followed us back to the carpark, I just thought he was being companionable, but, he forgot he wasn't coming back with us too! I did laugh, we gave him a lift back to his house.

Now, the house is empty, DBH is outside in his study, the fridge and cupboards are bare of anything I can nibble (I send it all back with him)and the diet is upon me again.

No, I don't want to appear vulnerable either. I know exactly what you mean there. I'm worried I might be set adrift on an ice floe or something - as being way past my usefulness!

Well, when he goes you can talk on here about it; it's amazing how good it is to offload things on gransnet. We think, when we give birth to our children, they are seperate from us the minute the umbilical cord is cut but I've found that, over the years it seems to be cut in stages each time they become more independant . And when they're grown up it's like when they're little and they fall over and hurt themselves and we have to be really brave for them and say they're alright really.

Its a strange thing. Its like if you tell someone it makes it more real. I cant put it into words but i know what you mean .My colleagues/friends at work said they noticed a real change in me but no one else close to me, husband, sister, mother realised. Sad really. But then i would hate to appear vulnerable or not capable so its my own fault really.

Sorry to offload - a couple of glasses of wine on a Friday night and i come over all emotional!

I don't tell anyone in my family either. Not even DBH really. He knows I was sad but I never let on last year how really depressed I was. I knew I shouldn't be, I had worked hard for him to be independent and it was illogical. But hormones or whatever kicked in I suppose. I also didn't want DBH to think he wasn't as important to me as DS.

Thank you for your sympathy janerowena. I never tell anyone how i really feel for some reason and all my family think im fine with it. We did visit him a couple of years ago and it really helped seeing him in that lovely country with so many more opportunities than here in the uk. I dont blame him for wanting to live there. I just wish i could afford to visit him sometimes.

When I was a young mum several of our friends worked abroad for long periods of time and did very well for themselves financially; most of them are now back living in this country and are much better off than we would have been [my husband and I did spit up but still wouldn't have been in their position now]. We didn't want to take the children away from their schools and relatives etc. I do tell both of my children to consider moving abroad if ever they get the opportunity as I'd hate them to miss an opportunity to be better off when they're older. Having said that, it would break my heart if they did so, but I think we made a terrible mistake by not going [engineers are appreciated so much more in other countries ].

I dread my DS doing something like that, I do feel for you. From when he was fifteen and said one day that he would never work abroad, because he would hate to leave us, he now says things like 'Maybe I could get some work in Japan'. Of course we want them to do well, to have a good job, to enjoy their lives. But oh the pain.

My inlaws loved it over there, they went for a month just before the earthquake. I think they were tempted to move.

I sympathise and I appreciate everyone's situation is different but I also envy empty nesters whose DC are away at uni or in another part of the country. My ds will shortly leave for New Zealand and I dread him going. He has lived over there before and returned home for a short time but will return to live in NZ permanent ly. All the Skype and email in the world does not really help in my experience. I worry how I will be when he goes again as I found it so difficult the first time. I never say anything to anyone though and will just have to keep smiling and get on with it. What else can I do.

Just a quick vent really. No sympathy required. DS goes back tomorrow, we have just emptied the cupboards of all the stuff he eats and we don't, and I had such a pang. I know I will be fine, unlike last year. The long xmas and summer breaks he has are really unhelpful. We slip right back into our companionable relationship, and then I lose him all over again.

I'll just keep reminding myself that

his aim is dreadful
he eats crap
he is very forgetful
when he has finished eating I wish we had a dog to hoover up the crumbs
he never puts the lid back on the toothpaste
his bedroom is a tip
he raids the fridge so often we don't need a light in the kitchen

Thanks Mishap, I will try hard to be strong but it will take its course I guess.